kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Coming to believe

Q -- Do I have any fears about coming to believe? What are they?
A – I don’t have any fears about a punishing God, if that’s what you mean. When I was little I was afraid of not believing in God because then when I died I would go “no where.” But today I’m neither afraid of believing nor of not-believing. I suppose I know that believing means I relinquish whatever illusion I have that I am in control of anything. That seems a little scary. If I don’t control things then who does? Is he/she as capable as me? Silly, I know. Especially as I’ve not done a great job of things on my own.

Q – Do I have any other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe? What are they?
A -- no. Not really. I mean I can’t see god, I mean there’s no undisputable proof that he exists. That makes it difficult for everybody I guess. Ya ya I know… the grass, the trees, the stars… I have, at times had a “god of the natural resources,” I don’t claim to think that everything was created “by accident,” but still -- an all-knowing, all-powerful deity? That’s hard to swallow. Other than that...

Q – What does the phrase “We came to believe…” mean to me?
A – I suppose that to me it means that belief didn’t come all at once, that our spiritual awakenings are of the educational variety as opposed to the flash-of-light variety. My faith will come gradually as I practice spiritual principles.

Q – Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn’t have tangible evidence? What was that experience like?
A – I have believed in love – that was awesome. At some point I believed that my parents knew everything – that felt safe. I’ve also felt that A*** knew everything –that felt safe as well, until I was wrong. I believe that Poppop can see me – that feels good. With all of these things, the more I believed the more they were true. it sounds like a load of crap, but it is true. Whenever I believe I’m sick, I am sick. When I believe I’m well, I am well. My belief is a powerful force.

Q – What experiences have I heard others share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
A – S**** says she doesn’t really know who or what she’s praying to. That she just knows that things seem to go better when she is practicing spiritual principles. I have tried this and it helps me to not be specific about what power greater than myself I am praying to. It feels easier to not define it. though harder at first – how do I address the prayer? “God?” “You?” “anyone?” now it comes easier. I just talk. Others have gone to church or to the bible to come to believe. I haven’t done either of these earnestly.

Q – In what do I believe?
A – I believe that goodness begets goodness. Not always immediately or obviously, but I believe that if one lives by spiritual principles that life is easier to handle. Not that life doesn’t happen, but that life on spiritual terms leads to a healthy perspective of the importance of things. I believe that we have purpose. I believe that there is a plan, perhaps not a big god dude up there pulling strings, but a plan for life. I believe that no one really goes to hell. I believe that we are judged by a combination of our thoughts and our actions. That something greater than humans exists and knows our hearts. I believe we truly are all one.

Q – How has my belief grown since I’ve been in recovery?
A – Only through practice. I’ve been able to let go of some of this illusion of control, sometimes.