kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

if you're my family you may not wanna read this...


ok i warned you though.

last night was probably the worst night i've had since i've been clean. yes worse than the day it hit me that i cheated on my boyfriend with an unprotected iv drug user. and that was a bad fucking day.

last night i hurt myself pretty badly. physically and emotionally. i couldn't stop saying very bad things about my self to myself. the worse it got the madder i got. at my self. and then i called my self worse things. i felt out of control and bat shit crazy. i was certainly acting crazy. had you been here you probably wouldve taken me to the psych ward. if i hadnt had my friend amber i prolly wouldve ended up at the psych ward. i'm pretty sure.

last night was the first time i envisioned the knife cutting my wrists. you know how they ask you when you say that you're suicidal if you've envisioned how you would do it? ya well now i can't say 'no' anymore. this morning i thought maybe i would hang myself from a rope and jump out the window. i thought maybe i'd bash my head against the bricks before the rope snapped my neck.

this afternoon i got my period.

the night before last i didn't get enough sleep.

apparently that coupled with the fact that i hate myself for not staying in love with someone that i should be really happy with can push me over the fucking edge.

my fists are sore and my head has lumps on it. i haven't done that in a very long time. especially without an audience. i used to think i did it for attention. that blows that theory. except, of course, the fact that i'm writing about it now.

i'm fairly certain i didn't do it for blog fodder.

look, shiny...