i think i'm dumb

so i bought kurt cobains journals in hard back for for 5.99 at the discount bookstore and i have been reading it (well okay, i read it last night and one other night) and

i’ve always (ok not always, i am a latecomer to the nirvana fan club, i think i thought they were too trendy at first because they were on mtv and everybody seemed to like them) really identified with kurt.

i know a ton of people feel the same way and even more feel that way about janis or morrison or d. boon or any other of that number of dead at 27 rockstars…

who knows why.

i have this theory that we idolize the dead simply because they can’t fuck up anymore. i mean they can’t be child molesting sellouts old fat and drunk because they’re dead.

also they died pretty. well, at least prettier than they would be if they kept on the way they were going…

(elvis was NOT good looking when he died… he lasted too long but still after he was dead we forgave him for all the bullshit because he was dead)

they ALWAYS say nice things about you at your funeral.

yearbooks and funerals.

so anyway, as i’m reading kurts journals i start seeing some stuff that I’ve written about in my journals and stuff i’ve thought about and stuff i thought were my ideas. i have these journals that i’ve kept on and off and mostly prolific during huge coke or meth binges but really very similar stuff there.

and

i think kurts lyrics are fucking genius.

really.
genius.

he has this way of talking about stuff that you think you know what he’s saying but he could really be saying something totally different but it doesn’t matter cuz you know what it means to you. i think he did it on purpose and i think he has a gift and its not just a story-telling gift like some lyricists but a deeper gift like using words that have three meanings all appropriate in some sense so deep.

deep.

so here’s the rub…

do i think that i think he’s a genius because he thinks what i think?

am i smarter than i give myself credit for?

or is kurdt less of a genius than i give him credit for…

why am i
upset
when i think
that i’m diferent from everybody else
but
angry
when i realize
that i’m the same?