kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

trust issues

so the mirror principle says that anything i'm seeing in others that i find unacceptable is indicative of tendencies in my behavior that i don't like.

so me having trust issues could mean that i'm not trustworthy. to be sure i've not been trustworthy in the past though i like to think i've learned how to keep a secret if someone asks for that favor.

i have found new freedom in honesty, however, and as much as i don't want to go back to the old lifestyle of keeping secrets i do need to respect other people's privacy. i tend to get honest with other people's information and that can be no bueno.

i don't need people figuring out my shit for me but i do need to get shit off my chest. good friends are sounding boards with their own experience. my favorite people don't offer advice unless they are asked.

my biggest trust issue is with the universe, however. and for that there is no mirror. the universe, god, a higher power, faith. faith that i will be okay no matter what. self reliance only gets me so far. i do not know things.

i have fear that i won't have children fear that i'm too old or too crazy to ever have a sound relationship, fear that i am too late to start a family or a career or if i really push it maybe i can have one but not the both. fear that i'll lose something that i have or not get something that i want.

trust issues.

trust that things happen for a reason if i'm not meant to be married with children then i won't be if i'm meant to be rich i will be. this is not to be mistaken for sitting on the couch and hoping that god pays my rent. i see consequences of human behavior. i know that i am not powernone i am just powerless.

breathe. enjoy today. be in the now. so simple. so very difficult.