kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

a power greater than ourselves

Q --Do I have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself?
A – I have had problems with this. I want to believe there is something “underlying the totality of things.” And most days I really do believe that. I think that two people are more powerful than one. I think a group conscience is powerful. But in actual practice I have trouble letting go of the control of things. I have this underlying thought that I am smarter and way more equipped to figure things out and set them straight. Smarter and more equipped than whom, you ask? Everybody. Including that concept of “god” that everyone has. I don’t say I believ that but I act like I do. So is that a problem? The answer to this question is no. I think. Is acceptance admittance? Jeez I am crazy aren’t i?

Q – What are some things that are more powerful than I am?
A – The undertow. Gravity. A calculator. The Sun. A car. A flying bullet. Alcohol. (I can’t will myself not to feel the effects of it – and on that same note) Drugs. Cancer. Fate. DNA.

Q – Can a power greater than myself help me stay clean? How?
A – uh. Well I’ve seen people pray and claim it works to keep them clean. I’ve heard of people being locked up without access to drugs and they stayed clean. I’m not really sure on this one. Really not sure.

Q – Can a power greater than I am help me recover? How?
A – Is this a trick question? It seems a lot like the last one. I think if I live by “spiritual principles” than possibly I will be a better person and stop hating myself so much and wishing I was anything but what I am. If I give myself a break and know that I am practicing in the “right” direction that I won’t feel the need to deconstruct my life for the 18th time. So if these spiritual principles are a power greater than I am – principles like honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility – then yes, I think they can help me recover.

Q – What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life?
A – I’ve stopped drinking and using drugs. I could never do that by myself before. I don’t know what is different but I fucking have stopped this time. I have stopped lying. Ok, I have stopped lying so much. I still lie. But I literally cannot remember a time when I have lied less. That is huge news. I used to try with all my might to stop lying and then run right on through the next lie. Today I am more aware of it and I also do it less. Those things have never happened together before. Usually the more I am aware of it the more I am doing it. I have had the same job for a year. it is now a part time job but I haven’t been fired yet. Because I haven’t been caught stealing. Because I HAVEN’T STOLEN. That is in itself a fucking miracle. I prayed about that and I practiced not stealing and it worked. There is more but it doesn’t sound right on paper.

Q – What are characteristics my Higher Power does NOT have?
A – not judgmental, not spiteful, not jealous, not demanding, does not hold grudges, not condescending, not rude, not belittling, not offended by bad language, does not think my tattoos are anything but decoration, does not hate punk rock, does not think I need to change to get into heaven, does not think sex is bad, does not hate gay people.

Q – What are the characteristics that my Higher Power has?
A – kind, tolerant, patient, giving, soft, warm, comforting, forgiving.