kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

ok here's where it gets real...

as you know, my sister reads my blog. so, soon after she read my post yesterday, i got this email:

So, just out of sheer curiosity..... fill me in. I'm not judging, I just want the scoop.

How exactly is it that you conducted yourself at the restaurant that was so dispicable?

Who did you cheat with?

How are YOU with the whole break up thing???????????????????????????

i can't help but think these are all the questions that anyone might have. and so i have this urge to answer them here, tony pierce style.

let's break 'em down

1. How exactly is it that you conducted yourself at the restaurant that was so dispicable?

well. where to begin?

some of you may know that i am trying to live my life these days by a set of simple spiritual principles. principles like honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to try something knew. i'm trying to have respect for all people. i'm trying to build my self esteem by experiencing, effectually, a change in personality.

i have been a drug-user, an alcoholic, a liar, a thief, a braggart, a cheat, and con-girl for a very long time. those ruts are deep in my psyche. put there through years and years of practice. so i can't help think it will take a whole lot of practice to make new "ruts."

so i had the job at the restaurant. i had it since before i stopped using drugs and before i started to really "try on" this new lifestyle. so i had bad habits there. hey, not as bad as before, but still not good.

(i mean, twice i was fired from jobs for stealing. shit, no, three (at least.) i wrote the hard rock cafe a check for $113 a month for a whole year in order not to go to jail - and that was probably a low estimate)

so, at the latest restaurant, i had seniority. (not hard at a restaurant, i mean just stick around for a few months you'll be the senior employee) i was known for my bad attitude. i was known for hating new people until they were around for two weeks. i was known for trash talking customers until the very moment that i was standing in front of the table at which point i would turn on the act. the act that i liked them and really cared about what kind of dining experience they were having. i was really good at this act. mostly because somewhere, down deep inside, i really did care.

i know it sounds stupid but it's true. i always wanted to be a better person. it just always seemed like too much work. and believe me, IT IS. but i'll get into that more with the second question...

so i was a bitch at work and it worked. i always had high sales, and in turn i got the sections that i wanted. i got cut when i wanted to be cut and i stayed when i wanted to stay. i trained all the new employees because i was a stickler for restaurant rules. i got the barshifts that everyone wanted because i kissed the manager's ass better than anyone else. i gave him dirt on other employees and i kept my sales high.

and then, i started to get this conscience. just like a little nagging in the back of my mind...

... to be continued ...