kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, October 20, 2006

werd on da streetz

is that this lady needs me to bring the funny.

oh it's already been brou'in...

you may or may not know that my grandmother recently fell and broke her hip. she's been feisty her whole life so when she responded to this last episode with sleeping and sighing, we'd taken to worrying about her.

i stopped in to see her last month on the way to my folks' house and she was just not trying very hard to be rehabilitated.

my folks had taken her back to her own place from the rehab place a week ago friday. then on tuesday my mom told me they were taking mommom to the hospital by ambulance because her "oxygen was low." so they found lots of scar tissue in her lungs. (my mommom has never smoked, but my pop smoked like a feind his whole life - insert second hand smoke rant here please signed kali the ex-smoker who lives in a glass house)

so just now when i saw my mom's cell phone number on the caller id here at work i got more than a little scared.

"hi it's mom!" she sounded in good spirits so i breathed a sigh of relief

"howzit goin?"

"oh, not too good. we're just on our way back from seeing mommom and it's like she's just given up." her voice starts to crack on the last two words and i realize how much she was working to hold it together on the greeting. "i was wondering if it was feasible for you to come down this weekend."

she's full on crying now.

and i don't know about you but when i hear my mom cry it breaks my mother fucking heart. (don't tell her that though please it would just make her feel bad about breaking down and that's the last thing she needs.) before i could say yes i hear some grumbling in the background. "your dad is mad at me for crying, but it i think it would just do him and me a lot of good if you could come down."

"yes. i will be there"

more grumbling. "dad says if you have plans..."

"nope no plans, i'll pack my dogs up in the morning and we'll be there."

"yeah, that'd be great. it might give her a little shot of hope to see you."

"great. i can't wait to see you and her. i love you mom."

"sorry for crying"

"mom, please don't say sorry for anything. i love you and i will be there in the morning."

so i lied about the plans. i was supposed to play b-more host to jay-v and melyni this weekend for flugtag. and i was looking forward to hanging out. but obviously i can't.

i don't know if you know, dear blog, how fucking huge this is. i have spent the last 10 years of my life being as far away from my family as i could get. so as not to have them notice just how unaccountable i am. i've missed knee surgeries, hip surgeries, back surgeries. i was not there for the time when my dad was bed ridden and my mom had to make his breakfast and lunch before she left for work. i was not there when she came home and had to change the bed pan. i didn't even call.

i have been on ALL accounts unaccountable for as long as i can remember. i was 10 minutes late to my sister's wedding. i missed the birth of my nephew. i was fucking emotionally unavailable at my poppop's funeral and could only be there for one day as i had to drive back down to the keys to finish the run of some fucking play.

it had gotten to the point where people in my family would just call me after shit happened as they knew there was no chance of me being available during.

in this past year so many amazing things have happened. 2 that really fucking drive some shit home though. one is that i am available. i show up for things, i've been to my folks house more in the past year than in the previous 10 years combined.

the second? well the second probably deserves a post of it's own. so be it.

so when my mommy asks me if i can come home this weekend? dude, you fucking bet.

(thanks god, for getting me out of me)

***UPDATE*** my sister is coming too!! talk about your perfect segue!
***UPDATE #2*** they're inducing my sponser tonight at 630pm!!!