i was crazy when crazy wasn't cool

like barbara mandrell, i'm old skool.

in my highschool yearbook they had
that "in 10 years..." section.

mine said "psychiatrist"
ahaha very funny i wish i'd've killed them all
in one assembly like heathers
just kidding but only sortof.


so everyonce in a while i get this
washover
of a feeling.
people sometimes like to package it as impending doom
but i've felt impending doom too and that doesn't ever feel
as urgent as the feeling i'm talking about.

this one is the feeling that happens all over my head
and in my sinuses
a couple of times i swore i was having an aneurisym
it's like cold air is trapped in my head and dying to get out
and my brain gets foggy and i can't think straight.


one time this happened while an exboyfriend and i were
driving on the back roads in the mountains of virginia
only that time
my legs
started feeling numb too.
like my whole body was being lifted out of the car.
and i kept saying
"something's wrong. i can't describe it but something is definitely wrong"
and he of course thinks i'm crazy
and he's looking at me sideways from the driver's seat
and he says "like what?"

and i think bloodclots like bloodclots say bloodclots
don't be stupid don't say bloodclots he'll know you're crazy
"BLOODCLOTS"

and his face gets all screwed up and he turns back to the road and

BAM!


we nail a fucking deer the deer bumps down the side of the car and flying off the road.
screeeeaaaaach we scream to a halt and stare at each other,
wide eyed.

ya so that feeling?
i have it right now...