kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, November 17, 2006

we all know something is wrong with me, right?

but really, two nights ago i spent like 20 minutes
trying to explain to my friend just HOW HOPELESS
my job situation was.

it's something i've done before.

i can't remember if it's specific to work situations
no, now that i think about it, i think i did it
with my grad school application too.

maybe the common denominator is things that are
beyond my control

yes, that must be it.

i remember trying with the same vigor to convince the boy
that i was never going to get into grad school because
i couldn't get one of my former bosses to write a recommendation letter.

so, this time, i'm on the phone explaining how
the HR lady is just not being as helpful as i would like
and that she's not giving me any hope
and that the only way my application would get to any of the hiring managers
is if this ONE LADY gives it to them and she IS NOT going to do that.

and when he tried to suggest there might be another way to go about it
i saw that he was not understanding the HOPELESSNESS of my situation
so i lied to make it sound more hopeless
saying things like NO THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET A JOB

so he says are you saying this lady has it out for you?

and i don't want to sound like a woman hater so i say
no, i'm just saying she's not being as helpful as she could be.

ugh, i don't know what i'm saying here
i guess i just wanted to kinda look at why it is so important
to me that people KNOW how HOPELESS my situation is.

i mean maybe i just am lazy and when i don't apply to jobs
i don't want people to think it's my fault.


maybe i want low expectations so that if i do get a job
people think it's like some insurmountable task that i've achieved.

either way what a waste of energy and time.
i mean i was so so mad when he said "i think you're blowing this way outta proportion."

note to self: when a statement makes you wanna commit mass suicide, it's probably just the truth.