kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

don't you hate the expression "where the rubber meets the road?"

i do. but that seems to be where i am.

i'm laid off and dammit i had a great attitude about it until this freaking fear started creeping in. you see, i have this pattern. whenever i quit, get fired, or lose a job by various and sundry means, i end up losing everything. my place of residence included. i am reminded by my good friends that i have changed some very deep patterns in the last year, and i can change this one too.

evil kali says it will be too hard to change.
evil kali says i won't get a new job.
evil kali says if i do get a new job it will be too much work.
evil kali says i won't find a job with the same institution who's putting me through grad school
evil kali says i don't have what it takes to make it through grad school anyway
evil kali says that i won't even make it til the next paycheck
evil kali says i'm no good and never was and that this last year was all a front and i could only keep it up for so long and now it's self destruct time
evil kali says give up now

ya, that's what i have to contend with up there in my head. most days i can overcome it with any number of forms of gratitude and self respect. but when i'm tired and not eating well, set off study, meditation, and meeting schedule because my grandmother died, staying up late working on papers and studying for finals, evil kali gets a little louder. i wonder if she'll ever go away...