kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

here's where i'm at

love that saying.
ranks right up there with
"how come?"

anywho. i know i've been talking a lot lately about me being clean for a whole year. and i know it's getting old, but it is what it is. heh. another good one.

so this might be the last time i mention it here cuz people can't relate sometimes or get offended or scared into thinking that i think that everyone should be clean and that's not the way i think at all. i mean crimony. there are some GOOD DRUGS OUT THERE PEOPLE!! use them! just kidding (kinda)

ok i digress.

anyway, i'm "celebrating" tonight at my homegroup. my sister says "what does that mean, you're having a party?" uh. oh ya, i forget that not everyone knows what goes on at 12 step meetings. funny.

my parents will be there tonight. and my aunt. that's pretty rad but also it makes me nervous. i mean there's not much my parents don't know about me now. i mean they know i'm lewd and i cuss a lot. but they don't need details. ya know?

i remember everytime i used to try to tell my mom an old story she'd cover her ears and say "i don't want to hear about it, you're safe now and that's all that matters." heh.

so ya it will be crazy.

mostly i would like to talk about change. how i used to be so threatened by change.

what i love to hear most from people these days is "you've changed so much in the past year." i fucking love that. and that's new.

cuz i used to hate hearing people talk in that proud tone about how i'd changed. like it was an accusation of how shitily i had been living my life prior and PULEASE DON't REMIND ME I KNOW I HAVE BEEN LIVING IT!! no really the fucked up part is that i thought i was doing a good job. i claimed to not want a "9-5." i mean who needs health benfits? suckers. heh.

i've always been comfy with the me against the world scenario. like there was inherent merit in being the underdog. which there really isn't. i mean i applaud the underdog who makes something out of himself. i fully do.

but denying uppermiddle class upbringing does not an underdog make. struggle is not, in and of itself, meritorious.