kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

i haven't

snorted a line
smoked a joint
popped a pill
in a whole year.

i haven't
been fired
moved out of state
been late on rent
in a whole year

i haven't
ruined a family dinner
locked myself in a room for three days
wanted to kill myself
in a whole year

i haven't
woken up somewhere i didn't want to be
stolen from my work
lied about using
gotten a nose bleed
been afraid to look people in the eye
hated myself and wanted to die
in a whole year.

there's prolly some connection.

in the last year i've
faced some of my biggest fears
dealt with life without the help of narcotics
become less of a liar
fought through fear to look at myself
accepted myself as human
asked other people to help
and let them.

i've made some of the best friends i've ever had
both in real life
and on the interweb
i've found true love
and lost it
and lived through it

i've faced death
and lonliness
and consequences of bad behavior.

i'm so blessed to be here and to be

i have some goals for the year ahead.
the most important of which is to
find happiness
in the present.

to be happy where i am
where i will be when [fill in the blank]

i'm being laid off from work.
they are paying for school.
i have some fear that things won't work out the way they should
like i have ever had any control
over the way things should happen
and shit, if i did, i'd fuck it all up.

so i look for a new job
with the same employer
and put the results
in god's hands.

things are good today.
there are things i want that i don't have
but my happiness is not contigent on them