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i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

i forgot to say thank you for all your condolences... thank you. so much. you guys are fucking awesome.

ok i don't feel like doing this anymore.

we went to see my grandmother one last time in her recovering almost better room. we walked in and she tried to wave us off until she saw my sister.

i think she was trying to go. but then she saw my sister had come. and so she brought herself back to say goodbye. i didn't know that then.

her oxygen was very low 65 for you nurse types and so the doctor was called he ordered an ekg we're sitting in her room terrified i text my friend that my gma is dying.

they get her more oxygen the doctor comes. he immediately puts my sister in a time out. i love him. he takes control and says her heart is in atrial fibrilation like when the president puked on the ambassador to japan. he orders her back to ICU.

dad and i watch helplessly as the nurses on this not-so-special-care floor try to get her ready to move with two oxygen tanks and all the tubes. it is painful. they are not at the top of their game.

i text my friend that i'm sorry that i overeacted and that she wasn't going to die just now.

we wait in the ICU family waiting room while they get her set up. it seems like hours we're on the phone all the time bugging the nurse when can we come in. not yet. dad gets angry because he's scared. it's been an hour, ok maybe 45 minutes.

finally the nurse comes out. she is very calm. she apoligizes for keeping us waiting she wanted to stabilize her before we saw her. it is immediately clear that this woman knows what she is doing. my sister calls her an angel.

my parents go in for 10 minutes or so and then send us in. she looks calm. we say good night. my sister kisses her.

i say goodnight and am walking out the door. my grandmother calls my name.

"kiss me" she says.

i go over and kiss her on her forehead. we leave.

we go eat, we are relieved, feel she is in good hands. everyone calls the nurse an angel. we go home and everyone falls fast asleep. until the phone rings at 615am. mom can't get it fast enough, the machine clicks on, it's the doctor, he says she's taken a turn for the worse.

my mom calls the angel who tells us that she was just with her but now she's gone.

my dad weeps audibly in the upstairs bathroom.