kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

wanna hear some shit?

of course you do.

so the other night i had a sex date. yes, i'm having sex and no i'm not talking about it because he's asked me not to write about him on my blog.

if i were going to write about him i would tell you that we are good friends, we are honest with each other and we're fucking. if i were going to write about him i would also tell you that neither of us wants a relationship and that if we did, it wouldn't be with each other. well, let's just say that if i wanted a relationship right now, that i'd be looking elsewhere. if i were able to tell you about him, that is.

cuz he doesn't want kids. and i do. and that's like a pretty major thing. there's other stuff too, that i would tell you if i were going to write about him. but i'm not.

so i go over there to have sex the other night and in the middle of it, well the begining actually, i realize that this is not what i wanted or needed. so i stop.

this is big people. i stopped in the middle of having sex. odd.

i say that the only way i know out of this is for me to leave.

he says i don't have to leave just cuz we're not going to have sex. he's a nice boy.

he says "do you want to be consoled?"

i say, "desperately, but not by you." i think it came across not so harsh in person as it sounds typing it just now.

he doesn't love me. we are not in love. that's fine because we both know that. i have been open and honest with myself this time around. and with the people who are in my life.

honestly i tried NOT to have sex with this guy and it didn't work. so now i just get to be honest and open about my feelings. i get to watch it and be honest and make sure no one is getting hurt, especially not myself. cuz i'm good at that.

so after i leave it dawns on me what happened. i send him a text message.

"i'm sorry. i need to be emotionally loved and not physically. i just got confused. i'm sorry."

WOW. again people i need to say WOW!!! where in the hell did that come from? who the fuck am i alluva sudden dr. phil? how in the fuck did i get so in touch with my feelings????

i'll tell you how. every experience in the last few months has lead me to where i am right now. i chose to take myself out of a painfully wrong situation. that is growth mutherfuckers.

because i've been able to look at some hard truths about myself and discuss them with others and do the tough stuff, i'm able to have this vocabulary. the words to match up with the feelings.

my fucking grandmother died. i need someone to hold me while i sob. to brush back the hair from my face while i get snot all over his shoulder. i need and want that. someone who loves me.

i don't have that right now. and while it sucks deeply, i will live. oh my god how much better is that than what i would have done in this situation two months ago???

two months ago one of two things would've happened...

1. i would lay there having sex feeling miserable and hating myself for it all the while resenting him for not being who i needed him to be. i would leave his house crying and feeling like a hooker.

2. i would instantaneously convince myself that i was in love with him even though i know i'm not. then the next few weeks would be an exercise in getting him to fall in love with me. and when he did eventually profess his love for me. i would be over it and leave.

but neither of those things happened! i took care of myself. because that is what i am in the habit of doing these days!! yay! everything that has happened in the last few weeks has lead me to exactly where i am. making sane choices in the really tough times.

due, in large part, to being loved for exactly who i am. i know that there is someone out there who will let me cry on his shoulder. i know because i have "met" one of him. THE one? who knows. if i had my choice, yes. but that may not be god's plan for me. but i do have faith that if i keep taking care of myself like this, that i will be in a much better place. i will be able to love myself. and therefore able to love someone else.

last night i had peppermint tea. and i knew that i was loved.

it's happening, interweb! i swear it!