kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i can't breathe

when i try on 17 different outfits for work
and hate them all
i should know it's going to be a bad day
and jsut go back to bed

i mean, really... when the fuck do i care WHAT I WEAR TO WORK!?!

i really don't want to tell you that my period is coming soon
because then everyone gets to say
"ooohhhhh. you're hormonal."

and really. this fucking shit doesn't happen every month.
i can't breathe.

i'm afraid to vent too because i don't know what i want and people will be very nice to me and i will be a brat and my sister will worry and i will cry.

here i have an idea! let's vote on what you think is making me want to crawl in a hole and cry.

here are your choices:

1. my period is coming (please remember that i get my period every month and i usually don't want to kill people and also that i hate the hormonal excuse because it feels like a fucking cop out.)

2. i am destitute. i just spent my last $10 on gas and i have no money and no food in the house and i don't get paid for another 10 days in fact i just got paid on FUCKING FRIDAY AND I HAVE NO MONEY WTF PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN DO DRUGS ANYMORE CHRIST HOW DID I USE FOR 20 FUCKING YEARS?!?!?! JESUS GOD I JUST WANT TO FUCKING QUIT!

3. i am unemployed. i don't know if you know but my last day here is dec 29th and i haven't found another job yet and i can't breathe. i will be able to temp i mean i can probably pay the bills on temping (especially if i'm not eating) but my job is paying for school which is the best thing that has happened to me in 10 years at least.

4. speaking of school i have a ten page term paper due on monday. this used to be my biggest problem (i thought) until this morning. now it just seems stupid. crimony, a term paper? 10-12 pages? due in a week? i'd rather do ten term papers than find a new job.

5. the boy came over last night. THE BOY. i text him because he left his warm carhart jacket at the house and it is getting very cold and he will need it soon. so he said he would come by to get it and he did and we stood really close to each other and stared at each other and hugged and kissed really just a little because i stopped him because i just get so confused and then he left and i was a wreck and i didn't know whether i made the right decision i should've jsut let it go on and be held and hang out cuz i really miss him so much and i thought he was mad at me and he might still be but he misses me ("sometimes" he says) and i could feel his boner against my thigh while we hugged and it just made me mad because then i thought he just wanted sex oh christ i don't fucking know this is probably the one since i am weeping right now and writing a FUCKING NOVEL about it.

6. this one i hate almost as much as the hormone one but i have to say it because it is on my mind. christmas. ya i said it. i have no money and i won't be able to get anything but i say that every year and manage to get something for everyone somehow but this year i REALLY MEAN IT I AM BROKE I CAN'T BUY YOU ANYTHING. ok and then there's the part where NO ONE in my life would be upset AT ALL if i couldn't buy anything. not one. i'd get the "that's not what christmas is about" speech but still i hate it and have to buy everyone i know something perfect.

ok ya i think that about covers it...

(i swear i'll tell you about the 46 year old brat one day it's not big now oh ya plus i'm going to see CLUTCH on new year's eve so that's good but FUCK i had to spend money on that instead of food, huh? ungh so irresponsible...)