kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

when someone you don't even know suggests "upping the meds..."

maybe you should listen.

dudes and dudettes i have been under a mountain of fucking blah for the past few days. blahgedy blahness.

saturday i emailed someone (twice) who "hurt my feelings" on the internet. yes, can YOU BELIEVE that? on the internet of all places he hurts my WITTLE FEEWINGS!!! crimony. so he replied back that perhaps i should up my meds. heh.

he's no doctor, but he could be right. (that is, if i were on meds... i should get right on that... seriously.)

because that was just the BEGINnING of the INSANITY...

a panic attack/crying frenzy at work on monday where i had to leave work else sit in my office with the door closed crying all day. somehow taking a mental health half-day seemed more uh professional.

tuesday more of the same only i could stop crying to work. but as soon as i stopped moving "impending doom" set in again and i start on with the "i'm going to be fired, i'll never make it through grad school, if i even get in, i'll never have a successful relationship," and on and on ad infinitum...

and PEOPLE these are the BEST DAYS OF MY FREAKING LIFE to date.


i have a great house with a yard. i have two beautiful doggies that i am able to walk and feed every day. i haven't worried about how i'm going to pay rent for a full year. i've been on time with all of my bills and even paid off some debt. i've been drug free for 9 freaking months people. that's a fucking record over here. i haven't been pill/booze/drug/gas-huffing/mousse-sniffing free for nine months since i was probably 12. i've had the same job for a year and a fucking half. i've had a second job for 8 months. i've lived in the SAME STATE FOR a year and a half. i'm about to finish out the first year-long lease in probably... well... EVER!!! i've quit smoking cigarettes, i go to the gym, i have quality friendships. i have a motorcycle, a car, a full house of furniture that i can afford to air condition. i have HEALTH INSURANCE.

i have $40 in my purse that i keep for emergencies. (did you hear that DAD??? i have emergency money in my WALLET!!!)

and still, i'm freaking nutso. perhaps there is something to this whole "chemical imbalace" theory.

and maybe, despite every last fucking one of my desires... just maybe... i'm just another fucking bipolar chick with a blog.