sluts enjoy it, hookers get paid, where does that leave me?

i fucking did it again.

i slept with someone i didn't even want to.

i do this shit all the time. i mean, i like sex, but i knew this wasn't going to be any good. and it wasn't. i just did it because he wanted to. i knew it wanted to so i just let him.

it must have something to do with self value. or power perhaps.

the thing is... it was like a pity fuck.

which is not only worthless, but demeaning to him.

i made some comments afterward about it not meaning anything. because that's what i do. i made these comments before we fucked too. but i always like to reiterate afterwards so that no one catches feelings. yeah, right.

so he makes some silly comment about me possibly hooking him up with one of my friends. a particular one. and i find myself saying:

"you're crazy if you think she'd even look at you twice."

(because she has self worth)

(and knows better than to sleep with a 25 year old boy who doesn't even have a couch or the decency to clean up when he's invited a woman over to his home)

what am i fucking 15 years old? sleeping with boys because they want to?

and then being mean to them because i made the wrong decision?

i couldn't even sleep there. i just kept beating myself up about it and i couldn't breathe. so i called a taxi and left him there in the middle of the night. classy. just like a hooker. only i'm not smart enough to get paid for it.