kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, September 22, 2006

first things first...

today is tesco's birthday. so please go wish him a happy one. (ya i know, today's post is gary numan but don't hold that against him -- or me!)

dude's an old man though, so try not to scare him. you could give him a stroke.
okay then on with the show.

we're on the second sister question: Who did you cheat with?

hmmm. this question seems like an easy enough question to answer. but in reality it is a many layered dealie. wow. this is gonna be tougher than i thought...

ok let's start with this: i have very low (read:nearly none) self esteem. who the fuck knows why and at this point i just don't care because knowing "why" has never answered the "what do i do about it now" question. but it's true. and i believe (this is just me) that my alcohol and drug use was a way to forget that. among other things.

this, however is a downward spiraling self fulfilling prophesy type thing.

because during drug and alcohol fueled binges i do things that i'm not proud of and that does nothing to help my self esteem in fact lowers it because now i'm a piece of shit that does piece of shit things, you see. and then what else is there to do but drink and drug those feelings away which creates worse beavior and on and on and on...


there are other things that i have done to try and "fix" the self esteem hole, or at least fill it temporarily. one of those things is sex. well, male attention in general and sex specifically. from a very young age i have sought male attention. the whole "if you think i'm worth something than maybe i am worth something" fucked up line of thinking.

please understand that i know this is the easy way out. i mean the truth is that there are ways to build self esteem. stop lying. stop stealing. stop gossiping. start doing esteemable acts. start creating a life that i am proud of. but people. i am fucking lazy and that always seemed like hard work. i never had it in me to study when i could just cheat and get the same grade.

the only problem with this logic is that it is miserably empty. once the male attention is gone, once the sex is over, once the intense lust feelings fade away, i'm left with the same hole in my self esteem. the same gut feeling that i'm nothing and that i'll never be anything. only now it's exacerbated by the fact that i've slept with too many people and flirt with guys infront of a boyfriend that i claim to love...

this does NOT great relationship material make...