kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, September 29, 2006

“In the last 12 months have you had sex with an intravenous drug user, with or without a condom or other form of protection?”

"what's that?"

"uh.. yes. yes i have... i'm not going to be able to donate blood today, am i?"

"you've had sex with an intravenous drug user in the last year?"
"you didn't know?"
"um. no, i know."
"but you didn't know at the time?"
"no, not at the time." -- so see, i did end up lying.

i knew at the time he was an intravenous drug user. i knew the whole time. i just didn't take it into consideration.

"holy fuck, what am i going to tell my boyfriend?"
"girl. you're gonna tell him your iron was too low. ima give you a code that say your iron was too low and you can even show it to him."

at this point i'm in shock still. and i would remain there for another 5 hours or so. my heart is beating furiously and all that is going through my head is that the boy is coming over for dinner and he's going to ask how the blood donating went. and i don't want to lie. i don't want to tell him a lie.

i had been earnestly praying for honesty for the last few weeks. i had been praying for god to take my relationship troubles. i had been doubting whether or not the relationship was working but i was unwilling to leave it. so i had been praying and praying and just trying to be very honest. honest meaning that i wasn't going to lie anymore. i didn't get that honesty also meant telling the truth.

so i call my sponsor. she knows everything. she knows my history and she knows what i am about today. she knows i have been praying and meditating on my relationship. she knows that i am now aware that while i claim to want a long term relationship and marriage that my actions (including sleeping with a 20 year old heroin addict) prove differently.

so i fill her in. and i tell her i know that the boy is going to ask about donating blood and that i don't want to lie. i just keep repeating "i don't want to lie."

we talk about what i'm going to say when he asks. that i could possibly say that i "decided not to give blood today." or just "i didn't give blood today."

mostly she suggests that i just pray. pray my little heart out for honesty and strength and humility. just breathe and pray.

so i head home and walk the dogs. and start to cook dinner. and the boy comes over and we chat lightly about whatever. school. the dogs. the food. then i believe we even have sex. and then we head out for an hour or so. and he brings me back home and drops me off. which is odd in itself because he usually spends the night.

the mind is an amazing thing. i tell you this because i know.

after he drops me off i sit at my kitchen table and breathe. i am at first so thankful that he didn't ask. HE DIDN'T ASK. phew.

and then it starts to sink in just exactly what i've done. and here's when i tell you the worst part of the story.

i have been holding a loaded weapon to my boyfriend's head. and he doesn't even know it.

i slept with that intravenous drug user.

without a condom.