all right then back to the grind...

heh. grind.

ok so i was in the middle of the who did you cheat with question.

ok so now that you know all about how my self-esteem is limitless in it's non-existance. and you know that i crave male attention. so pretty much i've been a cheat my whole life.

well, i was with one guy for 4 years and only cheated on him once.

that was a good long run. and mostly, it was because he never let me out of his sight. literally. he fucking knew. he knew (knows) me like no one else on the planet and loved me anyway. he just knew that if i was away from him for too long that i would cheat. and he was right so we were together for 2+ years before i ever spent the night away from him.

no, not healthy, but effective.

so what does that have to do with my recent relationship? well. i was with the boy for over a year and no cheating. again, partially due to having no time to myself.

you should also know that i lied to the boy about using. twice. the first time was a doozy because i was claiming to be clean for 9 years when we met and i was lying. he stayed through that wreck and then i lied to him again about using pills.

so he had some serious trust issues, understandably.

so then we break up. it's horrible and it hurts. but we feel it's for the best. he has trust issues and hates that i'm so flirtatious with men and i'm feeling "suffocated."

then i gave a dude a blowjob. (yes very high class)

then i slept with my ex-boyfriend. the 4 year one.

then i had a brief sexual encounter with the blow job guy.

then me and the boy got back together. we missed each other we love each other we can do this.

then shit hit the fan. i was hanging out with a 20 year old kid. a very newly clean 20 year old kid. the boy said it was inappropriate. i lost my cool we fought big blowout. i went to my folks for the weekend. when i came back i said i wanted to work things out he said take a few more days and be sure i said ok.

and then i slept with the 20 year old.

and then the boy and i got back together one last time. you still with me?