kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

full circle

so when i started this narrative i was attempting to answer three questions.

How exactly is it that you conducted yourself at the restaurant that was so dispicable?
Who did you cheat with?
How are YOU with the whole break up thing???????????????????????????

now that i've covered the first two in some detail. it's time i go about answering that third and final question.

hmmmmm. well, if you've read this you know how i WAS feeling about the whole break up thing. bad. really bad. the thing is, though, that it's not new behavior. i mean christ, i've been doing this since i was 14. looking to men for self worth and then sleeping with them and then being over it and dumping them. truly.

something is obviously wrong with the way i process this type of information. as has been suggested, i suffer from extremely low self esteem. that is not an excuse but a statement of fact.

who the hell knows how i got this way. my daddy gave me plenty of attention when i was younger. he worked a ton and maybe my perception of it was askew? who the fuck knows, but the bottom line is that i was trying to fuck myself worthy. and we all now know where that got me.

and when i'm not getting what i want or need from a relationship, instead of fixing it or giving it attention or god for fucking bid being honest about it, i go sleep with someone else.

so in answer to the boy's text message. yes. yes the cheating coincided with the mental breakdowns. but the mental breakdowns happened BEFORE the cheating. i'm so twisted that i thought sleeping with other people would fix me.

see? just like a drug.

and just like a drug, it's never worked. never long enough. never. not once. and yet i keep going back to it. insanity. in the truest sense.

for all of you who do not know, i tested negative to HIV and any other STD. so i text him saying "my blood tests came back negative."

that's the last communication we've had. and i suppose that makes it easier, no fuck that, i KNOW it makes things easier. because i know that we weren't meant to be together. not now. we were meant to go our seperate ways.

does that make it easier? oh hells no. i cried like i lost my best friend. for days. i haven't cried in a few days now, thank you. things are on an upswing. school is going well.

but i cannot forget what happened here. or else i will never learn from it. it takes effort to change. this i know.