kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

multi point perspective

ok so if you're keeping track (and even if you're not) it's thursday morning. last night i went to try and give blood and then spent time with my boyfriend, and then the world came crashing down around me.

oddly enough, it's thursday as i write this as well. only right now it's three weeks later. but don't let that confuse you, let's just get back to the story.

the blood test was painless. well not really because i'm bruised. as i've stated before i have shitty veins. but somehow the fact that it hurts is oddly comforting. in this moment i almost understand cutters. i feel like i deserve the pain. and like it might take some of the emotional pain away.

i sit at my desk and wonder what to do. how to go on. whether any of the work i've done on myself is having any real effect.

i still have not prayed. i purposefully have not prayed. all i could do last night was think that i wasn't worth it that i should just fuck everything. the job, the school, the program. so very full of fear. and just hurting so badly. i'm so ashamed.

telling the boy that i knowingly put his life in danger will be the hardest thing i've ever done. and i'm not doing it for me. i could give a shit about me. i'm doing it so that he has all the information and can get tested. i do not want to hear what he's going to say to me.

i keep going back to the beating on myself. i put someone's life in danger. this is not a consequence of life, this is a consequence of me fucking up. fucking up so badly. and just like i've fucked up a million times. the same shit over and over. sex w/o a condom. the easiest preventable thing ever. and i just cannot do it. i've never been able to. can't look beyond the immediate. and then to go back with the boy. i just don't know.

i've been here before. my ex used to always wonder how i didn't value myself anymore than that. that was bad enough. but now it's gone beyond self loathing. it's like i'm carrying a loaded weapon and pointing it right at the boy.

feels like the same negligent behavior. and my biggest fear (right now) is that i won't overcome it. that i'll never not be the worthless slut who sleeps with people because she has no self esteem, no self worth and can't even ask them to wear a rubber. holy hell. i'm so so so afraid of talking to him. he may say all the stuff i'm saying and worse and understandably so. he'll be right. we weren't planning on seeing each other again until sunday...

and then i go to my email and i get one from the automated service saying my blog has comments. so i go to read them and i see one from my sister.

"I am soooo proud of you! First, you're back at school, next you're back at the gym, AND you're packing your lunch!! ..."

she left it at 7:15 this morning. which was while i was driving to get HIV tested. i guess i've got more people to think about than just me here.

and i guess it's time to start praying...