mindfuck

now that my best friend is in a locked ward i can sleep. it's no fucking wonder they use to lock drunks up in insane asylums. dt's look a whole lot like psychosis. it is no fucking fun when your friend asks you if you can hear those voices...

anywho, back to the story.
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i was sitting at my kitchen table realizing exactly what i'd done. and i literally start to freak out. i call little miss s. like i say. she knows everything. not in the she-has-all-the-answers way but in the she-has-all-the-facts way. she knows i've cheated. she knows who it was with. i've been honest with her all along, thank god.

and so begins operation meltdown. here's where i go:

what the fuck am i thinking? i held a loaded weapon to the boy's head. have i no decency? to not only cheat but to not use a condom and then come back and have sex with him? why would i cheat? i know why. because i'm the same fucking hooker that i've been since i was 14 fucking years old. doing the same shit.

only now i'm parading around like i've fucking changed. like because i've stopped drinking and doing drugs that i'm some fucking saint. that because i've gotten honest about my behaviors that somehow i've changed.

i ain't fucking changed shit. i'm still a fucking piece of shit slut that cheats on loving boyfriends for what? for fucking what? i've not changed a bit. all this talk about god being able to restore me to sanity. all this prayer, all this self searching, and where has it fucking gotten me? no where. i'm a sham. i'm the same piece of shit i always was.

i hang up on her.

i sit and think and blubber and cry and hate myself. i quit the quitting drugs. i think about suicide. i think about going to get drunk, about finding some pills about doing ANY FUCKING THING that will get me away from these feelings.

then i think about the boy. i have to tell him. i have to tell him to get tested. i have to get tested to let him know whether i'm dirty or not. what about the boy. the fucking boy. the boy who claimed i wanted to cheat that i was unfaithful and was right. the boy who loved me even when i told him i was lying to him about my using. the boy who stuck with me through some major shit. how can i do right by him now?

i call miss s back. i tell her i need to do right by the boy. i ask for her help in deciding how i do that. i want to call him right now and tell him. i have to tell him.

she talks me out of calling him right away. i calm down enough to think. only because i need to help the boy now. fuck me. i'm a piece of shit. fuck what is good for me. i just want to do right by him.

we decide i need to get tested first thing in the morning. first fucking thing. i remember that my work has an anonymous testing thing. and they open at 8 or 830 or something... so that's what i decide to do.

then the 20 year old texts me.

"hey lady. what's going on?"