kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, October 06, 2006

let's do this.

the next 2.5 days were the most intense in my recent memory.

i spent most of that time in prayer or consultation with someone else who was trying to practice spiritual principles in his/her life.

i have two sponsors. one moved to NY and i talk to her on a weekly basis at least. and one here in baltimore, who is actively taking me through the steps.

i spend most of these two and a half days either in prayer or on the phone with one of them. other times i was talking with other people in the program including one friend who i will always have a bond with because of this trial by fire.

"fuck i fucked up."

"ya. you fucked up, but it's not the end of the world,"

"yes it is."

"it's the end of the world? damn... seriously dude, i hate to say this but you'll go through worse in recovery."

"fuck. it's fucking hard. i just want to fucking cut and run."

"ya it's hard. fucking life is hard, dude. recovery is hard."

"then why the fuck do we do it?"

"i dunno, you tell me. why do we do it?"


"because it's harder the other way."

well. yes.

so i journal about what i'm going to say to the boy. we've had fights in the past but i don't want this to be like them. i don't want to defend my bad behavior. i want to tell him what i did and then shut up and be ready to take what he needs/deserves to say to me. so i pray for courage. humility. for the ability to shut the fuck up. for strength.

during these days it also occurs to me that i have a choice as well. i mean here i am thinking he's going to say screw you, you're a fucking slut like i always thought you were. but what if he doesn't? what if eventually he wants to try and work it out? what do i want? do i want to stay in this relationship?

so it comes to me that i just don't know. and that it's ok to not know. that in my limited experience that my favorite decisions are ones i've made with a calm rational mind. and that takes time.

so sunday morning i go to an early meeting and then call the boy. ask him to come over. tell him i need to talk with him about something.

"are you pregnant?" he asks over the phone.

"no. no, it's not that." something sick inside of me wishes that were it.

eventually he comes over. i greet him and we hug for the last time ever.