how much truth to tell

because i want to keep a little to myself... i mean it's my life so it's only fair. suffice it to say that i couldn't be more excited and scared at the same time.

and man, let me tell you something, people... you can change. no shit you can change. you can change that behavior that's been eating you up.

i did.

but the first thing i had to do was to stop fucking beating myself up for doing it.

i mean if beating myself up for doing it made me stop doing it then well i wouldn't be sitting there beating myself up for doing it, right?

so, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR DOING IT, silly.
give yourself a break.

breathe. breathing is highly underrated.

now for a sad story. and then i'll end with something good, i swear.

last night a scene from the NBS movie of the week was recreated on my doorstep... i was walking my dogs and i turned the last corner to make the approach to my rowhouse and there in the streetlight i saw a figure. dressed in skull cap, black leather jacket with studs, shorts, and hi-tops. holding a bag of bananas. pounding on my door. "i know you're in there! i see your car!"

it's him.

"hey shithead what're you yelling for?"
"oh hey! there you are. i brought you some bananas."

he's not there. i mean, he's there. he's. just. vacant. we sit on my doorstep and talk for a few minutes. i don't invite him in. it's obviously very painful for him to have a conversation with me. he can't look into my eyes. the witty bright young man i know is not there. the charming personality is trapped in a veil of synthetic opioid. his voice is shakey. he can't sit still. he tries to pick up my dog and she bites him. god she used to love that guy. my guess is that she doesn't even recognize him.

i don't even recognize him.

i sit there making small talk trying to figure out why he'd put himself through all this pain. not the drugs. the drugs i understand. what i don't understand is why he keeps making contact when it's clear he's so uncomfortable doing so.

we hug, he heads on his way. says he'll be at the meeting tomorrow. i say we'd love to have him. there. quit killing yourself, kid. thanks for the bananas.

...


ok and i promised i would tell you something good... uhm let's see, which one should i tell??? i'll be very stingy and tell you this one:

that fucking guy is in town (ok near town) and i'm leaving work to go get sushi with him!! how exciting!

ok i'll give you another...

i had a very promising job interview this morning!

not enough?

ah well, tough shit... you'll just have to be patient...