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i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Monday, March 30, 2009

i spent a half an hour in the nursery this morning before work

i sat on my grandmothers art deco chair and cried.
sobbed, rather.

i am still two days away from my due date and i am OVER it. i have tried my heart out not to be over it, but i just am.

please please please don't get me wrong. it has all been so easy for me. the whole nine months have been really manageable. even with the early weeks' nausea, the upper back pain, the swelling (oye the swelling), the hip aches, the peeing, the sore thighs, achy knees, hurting pelvis... none of that has been unmanageable. seriously, those symptoms came one at a time and were just, really, nothing.

still this morning i was cursing all the people who told me that i was "definitely going early." those people meant no harm, and i'm sure they believed it. but here we are two days before the due date and i still have my mucus plug. i still haven't "dropped" they tell me (whatever that means) and the last doctors visit put me at 1cm dilated, IF that...

so this morning on the way to work i tried my dernedest to give it back to g-d. i had been doing such a good job of turning it over, not worrying, just showing up. but this morning i fell into the self pity. so i tried to hand it back off to Him.

asked him to take it back, that i was trying to control something that was beyond my control. but i noticed that piece of me in the background that was hoping that my giving it back to god would mean that it would happen today. ya know? that piece that says "as soon as you give it back over, it happens." but sometimes that's not the case. i know better than to set conditions on the turning it over. so i took a mental step back and tried again. to hand it over unconditionally.

part of me knows that this is a sign of things to come. that from here on out, this child makes the decisions. the center of my universe has begun to shift.

still, the lady at shoppers food warehouse who said to me yesterday "oh honey that baby ain't coming on wednesday..." should consider herself lucky to still have all her teeth.