if you know me

or have been hanging out here for any length of time, then you'll know about my tendency to jump in to relationships. and i don't mean like start fucking someone and then immediately make them the only person that i'm dating because even THAT is an improvement...

i'm talking about moving them in with me on the third date. which i do. i have done many times.

fuck at least i learned to move THEM in with ME. the best lesson i had learned thus far is that i keep the FUCKING HOUSE, ya know? that was a pretty big one to learn.

and lately i've been understanding exactly why i developed that black widow-esque survival skill. it's because dating FUCKING SUCKS.

i am too insecure for this shit. i just don't fucking believe that anyone really likes me unless they move in and start sharing the bills.

(at which point they become like a roommate and get on my nerves because they're messy or lazy or blonde or just uh.. present. but that's a whole 'nother post)

so ya this dude could send flowers, do a jig, write a fucking song about how much he likes me and it still WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH. i shit you not. i literally go from zero to oh-shit-protect-yourself-he's-leaving in point two seconds.

and WTF? who knew i was a jealous person??? what is up with character defects coming out of the woodwork. self centered fear is a fucking bitch dude. where did it come from? i swear to you that my parents held me plenty as a child. they told me i was smart and could do anything that i wanted to.

so uh. why in the world am i so insecure?

have i bragged about my sex life lately?

please, universe, don't ever let me take this for granted. it is amazing what getting laid regular will do for someone. much less getting laid well.

sex is free and fun. good thing cuz i'm be are oh kay eee.

i must be growing, people. because not too long ago my former bf told me it bothered him that i hung out with members of the opposite sex... i was like, "so what, get over it." basically.

this time i asked E if it bothered him that i was being tutored by my ex. he said ya it made him a little uncomfortable. so i said i could find stats help somewhere else. no ultimatums just an adult conversation. i mean, on the forreally? if he was being "tutored" by his ex i would be nuts over it.

cripes now i hafta find someone to help me with stats. and i'm lazy and proud so that makes it hard to ask for help.

ya stats class is hard. nothing is intuitive for me. every understanding is hard fought and hard won. i got an 85 on the first quiz and 100 on the second. and that was WITH the boy's help. mid term's on wednesday. fucking 10 week classes are killers.

48jfjkh9

0-lunatic in 60 seconds or less.

all it takes is one "ignore"
i can do whatever i want because i know my intentions and i know that i'm crazy for you. you, however, don't let me into your brain. i do not know that you are crazy for me. i want what i want when i want it. not before and definitely not after.

i get embarrassed by my own repeated calls. i used to be able to hide it better than psycho girlfriend stalker status. making our plans without you is complicateder than one might think. i still get mad when you don't show up, so what if you didn't know you were supposed to don't BE A DICK you're supposed to KNOW. what? where is my mind?

trust issues

so the mirror principle says that anything i'm seeing in others that i find unacceptable is indicative of tendencies in my behavior that i don't like.

so me having trust issues could mean that i'm not trustworthy. to be sure i've not been trustworthy in the past though i like to think i've learned how to keep a secret if someone asks for that favor.

i have found new freedom in honesty, however, and as much as i don't want to go back to the old lifestyle of keeping secrets i do need to respect other people's privacy. i tend to get honest with other people's information and that can be no bueno.

i don't need people figuring out my shit for me but i do need to get shit off my chest. good friends are sounding boards with their own experience. my favorite people don't offer advice unless they are asked.

my biggest trust issue is with the universe, however. and for that there is no mirror. the universe, god, a higher power, faith. faith that i will be okay no matter what. self reliance only gets me so far. i do not know things.

i have fear that i won't have children fear that i'm too old or too crazy to ever have a sound relationship, fear that i am too late to start a family or a career or if i really push it maybe i can have one but not the both. fear that i'll lose something that i have or not get something that i want.

trust issues.

trust that things happen for a reason if i'm not meant to be married with children then i won't be if i'm meant to be rich i will be. this is not to be mistaken for sitting on the couch and hoping that god pays my rent. i see consequences of human behavior. i know that i am not powernone i am just powerless.

breathe. enjoy today. be in the now. so simple. so very difficult.

i think i'm on the other side

at least i'm less hopeless this morning.

i had no idea i would be rocked like that. i guess thinking you might die does that to a person. trauma. traumatic. those words shouldn't be used lightly. i wonder sometimes if i'm being dramatic. draumatic. heh. but the truth is that i feel what i feel. i have never felt so alone. and you should know by now, blog, that i feel alone, a lot.

i want to be mad to blame someone and i s'pose i could but i don't think that's how i wanna get where i'm going. yes flashes of anger. coming out sideways. why doesn't he fall into me? i want to fall into him. shit i already have. but it's always been easy for me. sometimes it seems fake because of that. but it's not. i don't do anything halfway. head first in to battle. love is a battlefield. ms. pat benatar. hot.

ok i think i'm done. i think i'm dumb.

if you can't be with the one you love...

fuck the one you're with. dodo do do do do dodo.


uhm.

my insides feel like i did a million sit ups
literally
but i'm guessing there'll be no such reward
as tight abs

my head is thoroughly fucked.
not hurt but oh yes hurt.

do you ever feel like maybe you're doing something wrong?


this life thing ain't supposed to be so hard, is it? oh i guess i could not get in the pit not get in the car not throw myself headlong into everything i do but what would be the point? the best i get is high from the rush that feeling that i'm alive and great stories to tell our grandkids. the worst i get is a black eye bruised ribs and a broken heart.

is this payback time?

my mother my sister my father say slow down but none of them are one of us. you know who you are.


the love of my life once said to me: "you like to feel like you're falling off the edge of the world"
i said "i do?"

he said, "you must. you do it to yourself all the time."

i can't see outside the car
it's not dark anymore but i can't see past the windshield
i can barely see his bag explode
it is silent except for the bang when we hit
the first wall
and then the bang and screech as we slide down the other

it's exactly like they say
slow motion
silent
until the car comes to a stop and i hear him asking
are you okay
are you okay
are you okay

i can't breathe right
i can't talk
this moment won't end.

steve martin on how to make a million dollars and not pay taxes...

"OK, first you get a million dollars. Second, don't pay taxes."