i was crazy when crazy wasn't cool

like barbara mandrell, i'm old skool.

in my highschool yearbook they had
that "in 10 years..." section.

mine said "psychiatrist"
ahaha very funny i wish i'd've killed them all
in one assembly like heathers
just kidding but only sortof.


so everyonce in a while i get this
washover
of a feeling.
people sometimes like to package it as impending doom
but i've felt impending doom too and that doesn't ever feel
as urgent as the feeling i'm talking about.

this one is the feeling that happens all over my head
and in my sinuses
a couple of times i swore i was having an aneurisym
it's like cold air is trapped in my head and dying to get out
and my brain gets foggy and i can't think straight.


one time this happened while an exboyfriend and i were
driving on the back roads in the mountains of virginia
only that time
my legs
started feeling numb too.
like my whole body was being lifted out of the car.
and i kept saying
"something's wrong. i can't describe it but something is definitely wrong"
and he of course thinks i'm crazy
and he's looking at me sideways from the driver's seat
and he says "like what?"

and i think bloodclots like bloodclots say bloodclots
don't be stupid don't say bloodclots he'll know you're crazy
"BLOODCLOTS"

and his face gets all screwed up and he turns back to the road and

BAM!


we nail a fucking deer the deer bumps down the side of the car and flying off the road.
screeeeaaaaach we scream to a halt and stare at each other,
wide eyed.

ya so that feeling?
i have it right now...

on-the-for-really-though

vote for raymi
or she will stop blogging

and raymi is not a woman of empty promises
i voted already
and will vote again
if i get to a different computer today.

but c'mon really
just go there and click the thingy by her name
all three times
cuz i can't live without
raymi's titty pics.

(ok i lie i read it for the articles)

holy monday i'd say it were manic if that weren't the QUEEREST SONG EVER! heh.

go here and read this instead

mommom is dead and she left furniture

i can have it if i want it
i DO want the bed and a roll top desk.
at the very least.
in fact that's all i want.

so there's some debate on how i will get them back to baltimore
mom says they can leave the furniture in the storage unit for a while
at $60 a month.
at which point my dad says

"but you have to watch out
as you approach the edge
of diminishing returns."

that's my dad.
on a sentimental journey
no wonder he's not over her death yet...

tryptophandimonium

i think that title should have cover art.
i might've spelled it wrong. (the part that is a word, anyway)
but i'm too lazy to look it up.
aw crap but too anal not to.
hang a sec.
nope, that's it.

so hi.
today i'm going to help my dad
put together the furniture for his new house.
the house is very big.
i have pictures but no cord so i'll post them monday i guess
aw crap but too anal not to

mom has an hp all in one dealie that i'm currently transfering pictures from
wonder why i'm not anal about spelling?
such is the virgo curse.
only anal about very specific shit.
shit. get it?
ok i'm reaching while i transfer images.

so here are a couple of photos of the house
talk about your scope creep

(with a healthy dose of feature creep)
if there had been 40 hour work weeks
and a shorter time frame
i'd call it extreme contracting.

ungh. i need a job

happy lethargy everyone!

got to FTTW and read mah poam!

must. update. before. thanksgiving.

ok. so here we are then.

here's some fun stuff first!
an actual transcription of a text message
conversation between my sister and myself.

(you should know that this woman
had been asking me about my job search
with the tenacity of a pit bull.
seriously a fucking pit bull.
she's fucking full on all the time
perhaps you will understand the neccessity
for shock value here)

sister: What Did The Butt Dr Say?
me: I tore my anus with a hard movement!
sister: That Is Just Pleasant So What Do you Do
me: Massage the inside of my anus with a soapy finger once a day!

believe it or not that DID shut her up for a click.

then i made the mistake of complaining to my mom about the sister grilling i took about the job search.
not daunted by much and opening with "since i can't ask you about your job search..."
my sister showed up on messenger yesterday to grill me about my date.
not exactly the desired effect, thanks mom.

this is a general idea of how the interchange went since MSN doesn't automatically save chats. understand this could be skewed from my perspective to make me look innocent and her look like the PIT BULL THAT SHE IS!!! heh. but i believe it to be an almost accurate reproduction.


sister: So... Tell me about the date
me: oh. ya that. it was nice. a ravens game then dinner.

sister: Oh yes I heard you went to the game
me: yes his name is r------ and he is very nice

sister: Where did you meet him?
me: where else?

sister: Oh right. What does he do for a living?
me: he's third in command at a successful contracting company

sister: Oh he has a JOB!
me: yes he has a job.

sister: Very good how old is he?
me: it was very first date but very nice and i would like there to be a second date

sister: How old?
me: i am planning on taking it very slowly

sister: HOW OLD???
me: 46

sister: I thought so
me: why?

sister: Because R------ is a name from another generation. People don't name their children R------ anymore. I knew he'd have to be older. Did you sleep with him?
me: no just a brief, end of date first kiss.

sister: Are you lying?
me: no not lying just a kiss it was nice we are taking it slow.

sister: Well, maybe you HAVE learned something after all.
me: yes i hope so

sister: Will there be a second date?
me: i hope so

sister: Did he call yet?
me: yes he did

sister: When?
me: the day after

sister: When are you going out again?
me: he asked me out for friday

sister: Great where are you going?
me: i had to say no i'll be at mom and dad's

sister: Oh darn, well, he'll call again hopefully.

uhm. ya. is there anything that she missed?

ok blog quickie i've got lots of work to do today and a few things to tell you..

tony pierce linked me so he's back in
that was not my intention.
i do love him still.
and always
i just so vehemently disagree with him
on those two topics
but didn't want to be that bitch commentor
on his blog.
ya know?

and also i can use any excuse to talk about
how much i hate mrs. hole and the dead to me gang.

my real life friend MURL!
started a blog and she's sick so
bring her stuff and write her amish people paper will you?
ok then just say hullo.
she's so very radical.
great blog name btw, murl!

oh my god there's more
i met my twin recently
a real soul brother

and way more

but i need to wrap my head around it
before i tell you
AND
and had an awesome date yesterday
yikes.
ok later skaters.

we all know something is wrong with me, right?

but really, two nights ago i spent like 20 minutes
trying to explain to my friend just HOW HOPELESS
my job situation was.

it's something i've done before.

i can't remember if it's specific to work situations
no, now that i think about it, i think i did it
with my grad school application too.

maybe the common denominator is things that are
beyond my control

yes, that must be it.

i remember trying with the same vigor to convince the boy
that i was never going to get into grad school because
i couldn't get one of my former bosses to write a recommendation letter.



so, this time, i'm on the phone explaining how
the HR lady is just not being as helpful as i would like
and that she's not giving me any hope
and that the only way my application would get to any of the hiring managers
is if this ONE LADY gives it to them and she IS NOT going to do that.

and when he tried to suggest there might be another way to go about it
i saw that he was not understanding the HOPELESSNESS of my situation
so i lied to make it sound more hopeless
saying things like NO THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET A JOB

so he says are you saying this lady has it out for you?

and i don't want to sound like a woman hater so i say
no, i'm just saying she's not being as helpful as she could be.



ugh, i don't know what i'm saying here
i guess i just wanted to kinda look at why it is so important
to me that people KNOW how HOPELESS my situation is.

i mean maybe i just am lazy and when i don't apply to jobs
i don't want people to think it's my fault.

OR

maybe i want low expectations so that if i do get a job
people think it's like some insurmountable task that i've achieved.

either way what a waste of energy and time.
i mean i was so so mad when he said "i think you're blowing this way outta proportion."

note to self: when a statement makes you wanna commit mass suicide, it's probably just the truth.

so i'm at the ass doctor...

and they ask for my $40 copay.

"40 dollars?" i ask, "but my copay is 20 percent."

"yes, ma'am, that's forty dollars."

correct me if my math is wrong but i think
that guy just got paid $200 to stick
his finger up my asshole for 20 seconds.

i'm pursuing the wrong degree.

k two more things

uno -

someone from my ethics class googled the phrase "Reflecting on your seminar preparation in a critical synthesis and interpretation of the film" and found this blog. 10 bucks says they knew immediately who i am. the good news is that they're from arlington virginia so they probably attend the DC sessions. still, though, dumb move, ms. pornia.



deux -

tony pierce has long been my blogfather because he wrote a piece entitled "how to blog" which inspired me [among many others] to blog. i have long been forgiving of his blatant liberalism and bush hatred.

but now he's gone too far. i must disown him.

it's sad news but true. i will keep his link but we will no longer speak of him here in suxland. why, you ask? well he's only recently endorsed the two biggest evils on the face of the planet. courtney love and the new limp dick chili fuckers... sorry mr pierce. you're owt.

seriously is this guy fucking following me around?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The Delaware Gap National Recreation Area in Pennsylvania has an outhouse that cost $333,000 to build. It's a two-hole beauty with a roof constructed from slate mined in Vermont, porch railings built out of Indiana limestone, and an indestructible cobblestone foundation. This is your symbol of power for the coming week, Virgo. May it inspire you to devote elegant, sumptuous attention to one of your most basic needs.

(i saw this minutes after i made an emergency appointment with the colo-rectal surgeon that did my ass surgery)

my first grade in grad school is a fucking A!

fucking a.
yay for me.
that's the class with the term paper and final due the same day.
that's my first techie class.
the one turtle said that i'd "do fine."
whadya know, he was right.

last night was the first official night
of my next tech class, systems analysis.
seems like all the dudes and one other girl
are already project managers or business analysts.
teach says, "you all have seen a gantt chart before, right?"
all heads nod except for little ol' miss ME.

so, i guess i should buy the book.
i was holding off because it's $140.
dude in class says, "borders online gives you a $15 coupon."
oh ya, good.
cuz one hundred and FUCKING TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS SEEMS MUCH MORE REASONABLE...
heh.

so, ya, i have some notes to type up now
so that i can feel adequate.

fahken ell

hi.

good weekend all in all.
i miss my true love.
i might just miss love.
and seeing as i know who i really love,
well then i miss him too.
whatever queen of vague.

anywho. i told that guy i wasn't interested.
he was ok with it.
did end up telling me "his truth" though.
that he has plenty of choices but thinks of me.
what it would be like to hold my hand
kiss my cheek.

he made me glad that i told him. and then
reminded me of whose hand i'd love to hold
and whose cheek i'd like to kiss.

i get all confused.
sometimes i think i love the guy i'm fucking.
then i think maybe i just want to love someone so much
that i'm twisting my emotions.
so it'd be really smart if i stopped fucking him.
heh. like THAT's gonna happen.

i do love him. you know like i love you.
just not like i love HIM.

aw shit i better stop.
seriously.
why i have to go and fuck my mind up with all of this shit
when i should be finding a job
is beyond me.

i have an interview today. i don't want to work there
but apparently people without jobs don't turn down interviews.
my boss told me today that the institution for which i am
currently working
(last day is dec 29th btw)
does NOT like to pay unemployment.
which made me think...

"hmmmm. unemployment..."

(no neither of the two guys in that "picture" is the one that i'm fucking. just so we're clear)

week end wrap up

(i like how i treat myself like the daily news. heh.)

• did you know that "light style" bread just means it's sliced thinner? how infuriating!


• equally infuriating and perhaps even more so (!) is the fact that "american hardcore" isn't playing anywhere in maryland. it is, however, playing in philly this weekend. i smell road trip.


• i have a neighbor that tells me i'm beautiful nearly every morning. how cool is that?


• someone needs to write a book about when is too soon to tell a guy that you're not interested. seems like i'm always either too early and therefore offend them or too late and therefore hurt them. seriously, oprah? norah ephron? help a sister out.


• thanks for all your support in keeping evil kali at a dull roar. (sick kali? scared kali? whadya think, alix?)


• is this creepy? or is it just me? (mark says it's old but still.. creep central.)


• 3-5 pages
  Reflecting on your seminar preparation in a critical synthesis and interpretation of the film and readings for this seminar session, respond to the following questions:
  What is your code of corporate citizenship?
  What companies model good corporate citizenship?


• ok i was just fucking with you there. unless you really wanna do my homework for me, in which case, don't forget APA formatting!

did you ever have one of those friends...

that loved to minimize problems?
more specifically YOUR problems.

they tend to be the people
that are always wanting an ear
in which
to bitch
about their own problems.

i mean even if the world is NOT ENDING
if i believe that it is
even for just for a flash of
self pity.

you're not supposed to say
"oh, you'll be fine."

cuz it makes me wanna rip your head off.
mmkay?

don't you hate the expression "where the rubber meets the road?"

i do. but that seems to be where i am.

i'm laid off and dammit i had a great attitude about it until this freaking fear started creeping in. you see, i have this pattern. whenever i quit, get fired, or lose a job by various and sundry means, i end up losing everything. my place of residence included. i am reminded by my good friends that i have changed some very deep patterns in the last year, and i can change this one too.


evil kali says it will be too hard to change.
evil kali says i won't get a new job.
evil kali says if i do get a new job it will be too much work.
evil kali says i won't find a job with the same institution who's putting me through grad school
evil kali says i don't have what it takes to make it through grad school anyway
evil kali says that i won't even make it til the next paycheck
evil kali says i'm no good and never was and that this last year was all a front and i could only keep it up for so long and now it's self destruct time
evil kali says give up now

ya, that's what i have to contend with up there in my head. most days i can overcome it with any number of forms of gratitude and self respect. but when i'm tired and not eating well, set off study, meditation, and meeting schedule because my grandmother died, staying up late working on papers and studying for finals, evil kali gets a little louder. i wonder if she'll ever go away...

um, ya...

so i email the prof for the class i missed last night
and she says it's a good thing i spaced on the class
because she ended up with food poisoning
and had to cancel.

theoretically, it couldn't have worked out any better than it did.

if i'd've remembered about my class i would've had to stop working
on my term paper
only to go and find out that class was cancelled

also i would've had to scrounge to find someone
to take care of my dogs
two nights in a row.

see? sometimes when i think i know what is best for me...
i just don't.
how this shit happens for me i have no idea.

ok i'm just gonna say this here and now

oh my fucking god i am so stressed out i'm surprised that i'm still conscious right now. i had a paper due in my all day class on saturday and i have a final exam tonight along with a 10-12 page research paper that i just finish that had to be in APA style who the fuck knew that and god damn does it suck talk about adding a whole extra hour of work trying to figure out how the fuck to cite sources and present your references and they're specific down to how to do a title page and where to put your pages numbers and a running title of 50 characters or less in the header what the fucking fuck?

and christ then last night while i'm at work at 630 my new sponsee calls to see where i'm at as i was supposed to meet her at 600 like usual only i'm in my office doing my paper pulling my hair out because i have no internet at home.

so i get here today to finish up the paper and holy shit i better check to see when my other class starts because it's a half semester class and wouldn't you FUCKING KNOW that it started LAST NIGHT and there are only 6 sessions and now i missed one and i have just emailed the prof begging forgiveness we'll see what she says i think i might be starting to decompress i didn't go to a meeting last night and i won't be able to go tonight because i have class jesus god thank god my good friend is walking my dogs for me.

so if you're my friend and i haven't called you please god give me a break no one complain abut how i haven't been in touch or i think i'll fucking cry. k?

yes i feel guilty for having gone to the ravens game when i had a paper due but gosh it was fun and they won so pbbbt.

bad news for liberals

i voted this morning : )
more later.

here's where i'm at

love that saying.
ranks right up there with
"how come?"

anywho. i know i've been talking a lot lately about me being clean for a whole year. and i know it's getting old, but it is what it is. heh. another good one.

so this might be the last time i mention it here cuz people can't relate sometimes or get offended or scared into thinking that i think that everyone should be clean and that's not the way i think at all. i mean crimony. there are some GOOD DRUGS OUT THERE PEOPLE!! use them! just kidding (kinda)

ok i digress.

anyway, i'm "celebrating" tonight at my homegroup. my sister says "what does that mean, you're having a party?" uh. oh ya, i forget that not everyone knows what goes on at 12 step meetings. funny.

my parents will be there tonight. and my aunt. that's pretty rad but also it makes me nervous. i mean there's not much my parents don't know about me now. i mean they know i'm lewd and i cuss a lot. but they don't need details. ya know?

i remember everytime i used to try to tell my mom an old story she'd cover her ears and say "i don't want to hear about it, you're safe now and that's all that matters." heh.

so ya it will be crazy.

mostly i would like to talk about change. how i used to be so threatened by change.

what i love to hear most from people these days is "you've changed so much in the past year." i fucking love that. and that's new.

cuz i used to hate hearing people talk in that proud tone about how i'd changed. like it was an accusation of how shitily i had been living my life prior and PULEASE DON't REMIND ME I KNOW I HAVE BEEN LIVING IT!! no really the fucked up part is that i thought i was doing a good job. i claimed to not want a "9-5." i mean who needs health benfits? suckers. heh.

i've always been comfy with the me against the world scenario. like there was inherent merit in being the underdog. which there really isn't. i mean i applaud the underdog who makes something out of himself. i fully do.

but denying uppermiddle class upbringing does not an underdog make. struggle is not, in and of itself, meritorious.

shit's gettin' good over at FTTW

part 4 makes you wanna read part 5 RIGHT NOW!

(too bad. next week. except for a small fee. heh)

getting caught up here are some pictures, words tomorrow i love you all!