kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, April 28, 2006

elevator etiquiette (thanks binsk)

i hate when people use the elevator to go up ONE FLOOR

like we're all going to 8 from the L
and then we stop at 3 for no apparent reason
dude gets on and presses 4
i mean PLEASE

you can't use the stairs for ONE FLOOR???
you make us stop TWICE?!?!?

yesterday we're going up from L
and stop at 3 to let some people off

dude gets on at 3
presses L

chooses not to see that
the 8 button is pressed

(not to mention the fact that
his little down carrot didn't
deselect when we arrived at his floor
OR that the up carrot was lit
on our elevator door)

so our elevator goes up
instead of down - duh
and he gets pissed.

"haha" i think
"you are unobservant
and stupid."

then today in the parking garage i get
on the elevator with this lady
to go down to street level

and the elevator starts to go up.

guess who's unobservant and stupid now?

black ladies love cool drew...

i need my account number..
for comcast..
is there a bill around somewhere?

me: ok i don't exactly know where it would be

drew: with the rebates maybe...

me: it'll prolly be in the "to be filed"

found it..

me: oh good

drew: huh...i think i was credited money or something..
this is weird..
it says billed from 5/6 - 6/6 $77.90

me: ya they bill in advance prolly
but 77.90?

drew: ya..weird
that's even more than the regular price should be..

me: did we have a balance from not paying or somehting

drew: our balance from last billing period is cr 1.22
so we were over..

me: hmmm
will you call again baby? they like you

drew: ok..
so I should only owe them $20 for april, and $20 for may

me: i'll buy that

drew: ok...that's what i'll tell em..

me: ok

...8 minutes...

drew: they are being a little difficult so far...

me: totally surprising

drew: k.
we got it through july..
my balance is now $3.68 or something..
i dunno how that happened..
but that's better than $40

me: hahahaha
see? thay like you

drew: ya
black lady

me: heh

Thursday, April 27, 2006

this is video of my friend matt and his daughter and his dog.

yay SEAMUS!!!


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

if you can't beat 'em... join 'em

the boy started his own blog

this shit is creepy and addictive

where myspacers go when they die

[via linkbitch]

headline of the day

Missing student found dead in landfill
Police: No foul play suspected

i love living in the city part 34532

so last night i was in the back yard with the boy admiring that the grass seed that we toiled over two weeks ago was FINALly seeding!!

yay. grass.

so anyway we were out there gazing and amazing at the sprouts and the boydog was with us and i've been trying (mostly unsuccesfully) to keep him out of the flower beds.

(as an aside, my boydog is gay. no, really, he is. he loves his argyle sweaters and can't pass flowers on a walk without stopping to smell and admire them. he runs over and drags his whole body against the flowers or bush or whatever. ya. he's gay. but i'm fine with it.)

so we're in our backyard, which backs up to an alley with a school on the other side of it. it's where the hoodrats hang out. so that they can keep us up all night while they talk about what exactly was THE SHIT that day.

either that or they're there so that my dogs can bark insesantly at them making me look like that little dog lady with little mean yippy dogs.

anywho... boydog goes into the flower bed and the only way i can get either of my dogs, gay or not, to listen to me is if i yell in a very mean and low voice and sound like i will rip their heads off if they do anything like that again. ya, it's a pattern i created and now i hate it because everyone probably thinks i hate my dogs by the way i talk to them. but JEEZ can we just get to the story here?

so boydog is in the flowers and i yell through locked jaw (cuz that's how i sound the meanest)

"g'outta there"

and ok the boy dog looks scared, but too scared to come closer to me which is what has to happen if he's actually going to g'outta there...

and i hear a rustling behind the dumpster in the ally.

i look over and there's this chubby dude in a football jersey zipping up his pants as he emerges from behind the dumpster looking very guilty.

then, hot on his trail comes a chick... wiping her mouth off.

so drew and i look at each other, realize what just happened and burst into uncontrollable laughter.

while boydog pees on my favorite flower (not pictured below.)

the end.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

i have

got to see

this movie

me: ok wonky is officially my NEW FAVORITE WORD!!!

him: why?

me: because i needed one
and "to die for" is already taken

him: no doubt

me: so long "no doubt"
hellooooo wonky

me: honey..i liked pretending it was 1997

me: well that's rad and all... but it's all good. a girl has to change sometimes

him: ok

sweaty is


these days

Monday, April 24, 2006

“You memorized ALL the lines in the script?!?!”

“Even the girl parts.”

“What’re you, fucking ‘Rain Man’?! Why’d you memorize the whole goddamn script?!”

“I don’t wanna piss off that Rickman dude.”

thanks, leah.
you should read the whole story.

i am a little weepy this morning

does that ever happen to you?

i drove to work this morning and got here and relaized that i forgot my keys to the office. so i drove back home and thought and thought on the way about where they could be i mean i actually cleaned my house this weekend and i didn't see them.

but i drove back anyway and drew was coming out of the house so he went backin with me and helped me look and we couldn't find them anywhere.

so i drove back to work but had lost my parking space and so i had to pay for parking. and when i got here it turns out my keys were locked in my office.

so i settle in to read my email because i don't log in on the weekend between my other job and my one day off a week on which i try not to surf.

and my grandmother fell on her face this weekend and broke her glasses into her face and mom says it looks like she's been in a fight. all is does is make me think that one day she's gonna die and i havent spent nearly enough time with her.

and then my ex who i love dearly (no, not like that) google talks me telling me that he is so very unhappy and i know it's just one of his depressions and he always gets out of them but still it makes me sad. he says he hates his life and if there was anything i could do to help him i would but there's nothing.

and yesterday was sunday my ONE day with my boyfriend whom i love very much (yes, like that.) and today is monday and mondays always suck because i don't see him all day -- as if to rub it in that sundays are so awesome and entirely too short.

so i am a little sad today. and i swear i just had my period so it's not that...

Friday, April 21, 2006

maybe i should do a weekly feature where i interview people with JOBS

no way BORING

but ask them incredibly stupid questions like ali g
ok ill start with you


what colour keyboard are you typing on


what is your favorite letter on this keyboard

if i was forced to choose i'd say the j b/c it has that little braile thingy on there to tell me where to put my finger
or the f
same reason

hmm well i would choose f cos fuck begins with f

ya but i'm right handed

are you partially blind and require the braile


this interview SUCKS

ya can i pee?


see i told you jobs were boring

lets talk about me more
ok u interview ME!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

inflated sense of self, anyone?

Concluding Remarks
In sum, we present this article as an exploration into why people
tend to hold overly optimistic and miscalibrated views about
themselves. We propose that those with limited knowledge in a
domain suffer a dual burden: Not only do they reach mistaken
conclusions and make regrettable errors, but their incompetence
robs them of the ability to realize it. Although we feel we have
done a competent job in making a strong case for this analysis,
studying it empirically, and drawing out relevant implications, our
thesis leaves us with one haunting worry that we cannot vanquish.
That worry is that this article may contain faulty logic, methodological
errors, or poor communication. Let us assure our readers
that to the extent this article is imperfect, it is not a sin we have
committed knowingly.

questions about your mom

just kidding it's about the bathroom...

it is wrong that when i see a fat girl fixing her hair in the bathroom mirror, what i'm thinking is "um, ya... i wouldn't worry about the hair..."?

is it wrong to use the handicapped stall when no one else is in there?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

it can't hurt to be richer than god

"Two members of the Duke University men's lacrosse team have been arrested on rape charges...

The two second-year students, Collin Finnerty, 19, and Reade Seligmann, 20, were charged on Tuesday with first-degree rape, first-degree sex offence and first-degree kidnapping. Each of the charges carries a possible sentence of 12 to 30 years in North Carolina." [source]

"The school's men's lacrosse season has been cancelled and the head coach has resigned...

The woman, a mother of two children and a student at a nearby university, said she was hired to perform at an off-campus party held last month by members of the Duke lacrosse team.

She told police she was held, hit, kicked and choked while she was sexually assaulted for about 30 minutes.

The students have denied the charges...

DNA tests failed to link any of the lacrosse players to any attack; but their defence [sic] was weakened when police recovered an email message alleged to have been sent by Duke lacrosse player Ryan McFadyen after the party.

Mr McFadyen allegedly said he wanted to invite strippers to his room the next night and kill them and skin them. " [source]

"Finnerty has run afoul of the law before, having been arrested in November in Washington, D.C., and charged with assaulting a man in Georgetown after making a slur about his sexual orientation. The charge was dismissed after Finnerty entered a diversion program that required him to complete 25 hours of community service." [source]

i don't really know what to think about all this and i doubt that we'll ever get the truth out of anybody...

how many times have i heard someone say "we'll find out when it goes to trial"... and when has THAT ever happened? when do we EVER get to know what really happened?

Scott and Lacy?
that beretta guy and his wife?
the fucking kennedy assassination for god's sake?

we NEVER "get to the bottom of things"
and it sucks.

so much is wrong with this particular situation.
dude this chick was a stripper. she was supposedly drunk before she got there. she's fucked before she begins.

these fucking lax players are assholes. i know because i went to school with them. i fucking hated them. when those kids at columbine went nutso and everybody said "i can't believe it can you?" i was like fuck yeah i can believe it. i fucking hated high school. those boys made my fucking life hell. there were days i fantasized about gathering them all in a heathers-style pep-rally and blowing them all to fucking pieces.

and they were much worse in groups. and here they are, almost the whole fucking team is at a party, wasted. and they call two measley strippers...

could she have been raped by oversexed drunk jocks? yes.
could she have been wasted and seen a chance to fuck over some rich white boys? yes.
could it have just "gotten out of control"? yes

any number of things could have happened here and i hate them all. i hate girls that cry rape when it doesn't happen and i hate rich fucking priveledged lacrosse players who can hire slick lawyers to get out of anything that they may have done worng.

i hate that i see pictures of the black community gathering around the frat house to protest. i hate that i don't know whether these two guys did it or not. i hate that she's a stripper and therefore the lines are so fucking blurred beyond belief.

i hate this. i hate this whole thing. there is no black and white. it is all so very grey.

for outlaw

ouch my ass hurts

15 to 1? isn't a little early in the season for that?

our ONLY hope... i wonder if he can pitch?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

pitt blog

at this point i'm blogging soley for
because he is bored in some
town that blows tumbleweed
up in northern north america

i laugh because i remember
using the interweb
through public libraries
and it does stink

that picture was made by dr kevorkian
or however you spell it
he seemed to be a pretty creepy dude
besides all that helpingpeopledie stuff

here's another

that one's called "very still life"
get it? hahahahahha

and now for something completely diferent
here's a castle in mexico city

also, this guy is crazy

Monday, April 17, 2006

werner fucking herzog is a nut job

you have got to see this movie if you haven't already... the boy stole it off the interweb for me because he knows i love documentaries...

but i'm fucking telling you, this movie is ridiculously entertaining. werner herzog the award winning director of nosferatu makes a complete jackass out of himself with this thing. and i think the "critics" (whoeverthefucktheyare) liked it.

but I SWEAR TO YOU about 20 minutes into it i decided that it was a mockumentary and believed that right up until the helicopter pilot starts yodeling along to a song on the radio.

after the movie i made the boy look it up online to prove to me that it was real. and apparently it is.

also, apparently, every fucking person that this dead grizzly dude came into contact with was a complete and utter nut bar.

also everywhere they are calling this dude an activist and for the life of me i can't figure out what he was active about. dude liked bears though...

we garden

the fucking first man on the fucking moon

fucking phunny

Thursday, April 13, 2006


no, silly not the OG boy band...
and not the tripe soup.
(though i had no idea the it's been "long touted as a hangover cure")

i'm using the word colloquially, like mixture or whatever.

damn, did i lose you?

anywho... here's a couple of things that i'm not able to tie together neatly with cat gut.

my playlist yesterday is made up almost solely of songs i have been downloading from my favorite site ever.

tesco runs a tight ship over there. i understand he used to have one helluva blog too, but hey, this shit gets old sometimes and between pleasing his mega hot (and smart) wife and running his own business (oh ya and he's got two kids -- BOYS at that) he's got enuf shite to do besides keep us entertained.

so anyway today he's honored me with another post. a classic if i do say so myself. thank god for mp3 blogs because the whole album ain't worth a shit but this song is priceless.

thanks, tesco.

(whatever music i didn't steal from him i got from7 inch punk -also on sidebar- or krucoff or i stole from coop.)

on a completely UNRELATED note...

money quote - 'In my imagination, she's 14 and earns pocket money by working in her school library.'... 'She's very important to me,' [Malcolm] continues. 'I feel affection for her which goes beyond sexual desire.'"

-- i can't decide whether or not to get mad about this -- he's talking about a glorified blow up doll... um... ya.

lastly, here's a story that popbitch sent me that i have to post because i hate that little limp dick faggot fred durst..

"Fred Durst has been involved in many strange episodes but none quite like this story that's going around LA. Fred met John Travolta recently and the two men got quite chummy. One night, we hear, Travolta called Durst to say he was coming round. When he arrived, Travolta said "Johnny wants mouthwash. Johnny loves mouthwash." Durst gave him the mouthwash. Next thing he knew, Travolta leaned in for a kiss. Seeing Durst's surprise, Travolta took a step back, saying that he got the wrong end of the stick and left. Durst stood there, horrified. Not because of any kiss. But because Travolta wasn't wearing his wig."

bwahh ahahahahahahahj

... at ease...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

meme, muthafucka, meme

whatever –

krucoff’s doing it.

mr t’s doing it (ok not mr. t, but still)

all in good fun to promote king dork day three

set yer noise maker to shuffle and musically answer these questions in order:

how does the world see you?
the american in me – the avengers ("it’s the american in me that makes me watch tv")

will I have a happy life?

oceansize – janes (“no talking man all action”)

what do my friends really think of me?
a shogun named marcus – clutch (“yes I’m a new world samuri and a redneck nonetheless… check it out I’m like a buzzbomb”)

do people secretly lust after me?
rhinocerous – smashing pumpkins (“she knows”)

how can I make myself happy?
we are the road crew – motorhead (“i'm driving like a maniac, driving way to hell and back, another room a case to pack, We Are The Road Crew”)

what should I do with my life?
give it up – poison idea

will I ever have children?
castration – poison idea (I shit you not)

what is some good advice for me?
coconut rock – the skatalites (an instrumental – hmm)

how will I be remembered?
vanity fare – government issue (“illusion shattered”)

what is my signature dancing song?
I’m stranded – the saints (“stranded on my own stranded far from home”)

what do I think my current theme song is?
ghosts of princes in towers – rich kids (“you either got it honey or you ain’t”)

what does everyone else think my current theme song is?

joy ride – government issue (“here come those tears of joy slowly running down my face kept feelings bottled in too long now they're out and that's a start talk to me talk to me don't run away don't run away”)

what song will play at my funeral?
raggare is a bunch of motherfuckers – rude kids (perfect because I hate those streets of fire motherfuckers)

what kind of women do I like?
take warning – op ivy (“stand by your friends, wrong or right” – out of context but true for me and my girlz)

what is my day going to be like?
I am the walrus – gray matter (“Expert textpert choking smokers, don't you think the joker laughs at you? See how they smile like pigs in a sty, see how they snide, i'm crying.” oh great)

iBuzz, do you?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


banksy strikes again... you gotta love this guy

I would like to get my gun back

“At least it shows they would catch someone if they were up to something,” he said. “It wasn’t the best experience in my life, but I would like to get my gun back.”

Monday, April 10, 2006

i have to mail out 300 four-page letters today

threefuckinghundred signature stampings
threefuckinghundred trifolded papercuts
threefuckinghundred labels on envelopes
threefuckinghundred postage meter stamps

have i told you that my job is paying for grad school?

pretty creepy sis

fun with fat boy, half nakid friend, and duct tape

Friday, April 07, 2006

me and lee ving

yesterday morning i go out to my car to find this guy peeing on the telephone pole across the (very narrow) street from my front door.

remember the shopping cart and rocks?

ya not that close, but close.