kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Monday, February 27, 2006

if there's anything bad about having a job where you get paid well to not do much at all, it's this...

when you finally do get a little busy at work
it feels like an interuption.

RIP don knotts
is it weird that i named one of my puppies mr furly?

Friday, February 24, 2006

"The FBI and the Special Branch have investigated me and I've been interviewed and taped and so forth. They were trying to determine if I was a threat to the government, and similarly in England. But it didn't take them very long to realise that I'm not…"

ya mostly because you're a big fat pussy
who wears black on the outside because that's
how you feel on the inside...

oh yeah and now you're old too...

what harm could you do now?
mostly you're just an irritation.
mostly you always were.

ok kid at the bar
wearing the leather jacket
with the misfits skull
painted on the back
and the misfits shirt
and the misfits hat
i'm only gonna say this once...

you know nothing about the misfits
michael graves sucks cocks in hell
(i blame jerry)
rancid sucks and op ivy was only fun for a minute
henry was the death of black flag don't you get it?
greg ginn is THE FUCKING MAN
who's greg ginn you say?
you're a fucking idiot
you make me sick with your punk defiance of
absolutely nothing.
in my day buttflaps were worn because
your pants got dirty from
patches actually COVERED HOLES!!!

oh my god why am i wasting my breath and energy living in a land of memories of the safari club in dc and my first show swiz/american standard i barely even knew hardcore and still i hate the new punks am i old like my parents?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

a power greater than ourselves

Q --Do I have problems accepting that there is a power or powers greater than myself?
A – I have had problems with this. I want to believe there is something “underlying the totality of things.” And most days I really do believe that. I think that two people are more powerful than one. I think a group conscience is powerful. But in actual practice I have trouble letting go of the control of things. I have this underlying thought that I am smarter and way more equipped to figure things out and set them straight. Smarter and more equipped than whom, you ask? Everybody. Including that concept of “god” that everyone has. I don’t say I believ that but I act like I do. So is that a problem? The answer to this question is no. I think. Is acceptance admittance? Jeez I am crazy aren’t i?

Q – What are some things that are more powerful than I am?
A – The undertow. Gravity. A calculator. The Sun. A car. A flying bullet. Alcohol. (I can’t will myself not to feel the effects of it – and on that same note) Drugs. Cancer. Fate. DNA.

Q – Can a power greater than myself help me stay clean? How?
A – uh. Well I’ve seen people pray and claim it works to keep them clean. I’ve heard of people being locked up without access to drugs and they stayed clean. I’m not really sure on this one. Really not sure.

Q – Can a power greater than I am help me recover? How?
A – Is this a trick question? It seems a lot like the last one. I think if I live by “spiritual principles” than possibly I will be a better person and stop hating myself so much and wishing I was anything but what I am. If I give myself a break and know that I am practicing in the “right” direction that I won’t feel the need to deconstruct my life for the 18th time. So if these spiritual principles are a power greater than I am – principles like honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility – then yes, I think they can help me recover.

Q – What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life?
A – I’ve stopped drinking and using drugs. I could never do that by myself before. I don’t know what is different but I fucking have stopped this time. I have stopped lying. Ok, I have stopped lying so much. I still lie. But I literally cannot remember a time when I have lied less. That is huge news. I used to try with all my might to stop lying and then run right on through the next lie. Today I am more aware of it and I also do it less. Those things have never happened together before. Usually the more I am aware of it the more I am doing it. I have had the same job for a year. it is now a part time job but I haven’t been fired yet. Because I haven’t been caught stealing. Because I HAVEN’T STOLEN. That is in itself a fucking miracle. I prayed about that and I practiced not stealing and it worked. There is more but it doesn’t sound right on paper.

Q – What are characteristics my Higher Power does NOT have?
A – not judgmental, not spiteful, not jealous, not demanding, does not hold grudges, not condescending, not rude, not belittling, not offended by bad language, does not think my tattoos are anything but decoration, does not hate punk rock, does not think I need to change to get into heaven, does not think sex is bad, does not hate gay people.

Q – What are the characteristics that my Higher Power has?
A – kind, tolerant, patient, giving, soft, warm, comforting, forgiving.

butthole: did you get our towels?
Panthro: no
butthole: why not
Panthro: cause they aren't there
Panthro: or they can't find em
Panthro: i'm gonna email kohls
butthole: ok. they stole them
butthole: do they know if they were ever there?
butthole: maybe i should call the po and raise some cain
Panthro: yes..
butthole: ok i will
Panthro: she said all I can do is wait
butthole: no
Panthro: honey?
butthole: yea
butthole: i think its at rolad park
butthole: hang on
butthole: but the tracking # in the USPS system
butthole: says this
butthole: Your item was accepted at 9:29 am on February 16, 2006 in BALTIMORE, MD 21210
butthole: 21210
butthole: that's roland park
Panthro: oh..
Panthro: well why wouldn't she tell me that..
butthole: she has no idea
butthole: i told her that
butthole: calling roland park
Panthro: k..
butthole: (they may not be there yet)
Panthro: they're supposed to be there at 8
butthole: ya says 9 on the recording
butthole: getting another #
butthole: this is fun
Panthro: yea
butthole: my god these people are (*#&$*^&#(*
butthole: how do they drive to work everyday being so stupid? odds are they'd have to get killed in a car accident or something
butthole: i can't believe it
Panthro: yeah
butthole: oh my god i will kill someone this is not good for my serenity
butthole: i am going absolutely fing crazy
Panthro: what is happening?
butthole: they're idiots
butthole: so i suggest to the h-den p.o. that maybe it's at the r.p. p.o. which makes them happy to drop the ball in my lap
Panthro: right..
butthole: they give me the # (the wrong #) so i call the general po #
Panthro: oh honey..
butthole: the guy there says it would be at the h-den po
butthole: i say fine but its not
butthole: he says it should be
butthole: i say its not
butthole: ....
butthole: finally i say can you just give me the correct # to the rp po
butthole: he says ok gives me a numbe
butthole: wrong number
butthole: i look up the # on the internet
butthole: and call them
Panthro: yea
butthole: the lady there asks me my address (after i tell her the whole effing story)
butthole: so i tell her
Panthro: k
butthole: she says .... you can probably guess...
Panthro: its in hampden
butthole: " oh that should be at the hampen po
butthole: exactly
butthole: so i say "BUT IT"S NOT!!!"""
Panthro: heh
butthole: i say the tracking # says 21210
butthole: she says "that's here"
Panthro: that's why you called there
Panthro: so..
butthole: i yell
butthole: she asks if i want to talk to a supervisor
butthole: i say yes please
butthole: she says hes at the hampden PO
butthole: gives me a number
butthole: i call him
butthole: he takes the tracking #
butthole: puts me on hold
butthole: then the first lady i ever talked to
butthole: get on the phone to sask me for a tracking #
Panthro: oh geez
butthole: like the first conversation i had 20 mintues ago
butthole: exactly the same converssation
Panthro: right..
butthole: "did we leave you a notice?"
butthole: me- "no"butthole: "them it hasn't been delivered yet"
butthole: 0
Panthro: so what happened?
butthole: "wel boss it says 21211, but this is 21210, *hick*
butthole: "the only thing i can do is give you the number to claims"
Panthro: ?
butthole: ok so i just told her that the tracking # says delieverd to 21210
butthole: she says (in a voice that makes you think she figured something out)
butthole: "oh maybe it's at the roland park office"
butthole: my god honey can they be this stupid?
Panthro: yeah
butthole: she just took my number and claims that she will call me back i just had to get off the phone
butthole: before i went postal
butthole: heh
butthole: she says "we looked thru all the packages here and its not here (at h-den)"
butthole: brilliant
butthole: 25-30 minutes to "figure out" everything i told them in the first 25 - 30 seconds that i talked to them
Panthro: yeah..so did they look for it at the rp po?
butthole: i hope she is calling them to ask them to look right now
butthole: one can only hope though
Panthro: geez honey..
Panthro: thank you
butthole: why me i haven't done a thing
butthole: why do they do that to a person?
butthole: its enough to make me feel crazy
Panthro: honey...
butthole: yes baby
Panthro: hi
butthole: hi
butthole: i think i got a pimple over it
butthole: above my lip
butthole: did you see it this porning
butthole: morning?
Panthro: uh oh...that's not a pimple..
butthole: no under my nose
Panthro: oh..no I didn't notice
butthole: i think it is a pimple tho i imagine i'll have a herpe any minute now too

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

inspired by richard delicous,
i bought my hunny
a buck knife
for valentine's day...

he has cut himself
2 times already.

and now i'm thinking
of outlawing
knives in my house...
(if i could only figure out
a way to cut things
without one)

just kidding libshits
i didn't flip sides
because my boyfriend
doesn't know how to properly
play with knives!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

my valentines day present

so for v-day drew took me to DC to see a show on a rare friday night off.
we planned to go eat some ethiopian food and then see
Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.
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me- "do you want to drive or me?"
him- "i'll drive your car."

fine my car gets better gas mileage and maybe the volvo shouldn't be driven to DC when it doesn't have to be.
except i'm all weird about him driving my car.

like i can do it SO MUCH BETTER than him -- we'll be in traffic friday night in DC, needing quick response and quick decision and parallel parking and all that.

but do i say "no let me drive"? NO i just get all mopey and let him drive while i pick on his driving the whole way. yea, really nice move brat.
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**** an aside on driving -- why is it that you can drive like a freaking maniac and i won't say shit about it until i'm in love with you. then all of a sudden your driving is fair game??? most of my HUGE fights with boyfriends have been over money or driving****
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anywho we get to DC after bickering back and forth the whole time because i have picked on his driving to sufficently eat away at his self worth enough for him to lash out about anything on which i have an opinion.

we drive around for miles and hours looking for a spot. we find a small one.

him- "can i fit there?"
me- "i can" (me of the superior driving abilities)

so he gets out while i try to park. five or six times. i feel him watching me and judging me and thinking that i'm a bad driver/parker just like every girl he's ever met and i'm no different or cooler or tougher just the same as a stupid blonde in a cabriolet who can't fucking parallel park...

eventually he steps toward the car which i take as an active sign of aggression... then.... THEN... he proceeds to make the twirly finger sign for "turn your wheels this way"...
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which is enough to send me into a toddler-sized temper tantrum in which i pound my fist on the dash then punch the windshield and give him the finger saying "fuck you, i know what i'm fucking doing"...

happy valentines day.

Monday, February 20, 2006

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Coming to believe

Q -- Do I have any fears about coming to believe? What are they?
A – I don’t have any fears about a punishing God, if that’s what you mean. When I was little I was afraid of not believing in God because then when I died I would go “no where.” But today I’m neither afraid of believing nor of not-believing. I suppose I know that believing means I relinquish whatever illusion I have that I am in control of anything. That seems a little scary. If I don’t control things then who does? Is he/she as capable as me? Silly, I know. Especially as I’ve not done a great job of things on my own.

Q – Do I have any other barriers that make it difficult for me to believe? What are they?
A -- no. Not really. I mean I can’t see god, I mean there’s no undisputable proof that he exists. That makes it difficult for everybody I guess. Ya ya I know… the grass, the trees, the stars… I have, at times had a “god of the natural resources,” I don’t claim to think that everything was created “by accident,” but still -- an all-knowing, all-powerful deity? That’s hard to swallow. Other than that...

Q – What does the phrase “We came to believe…” mean to me?
A – I suppose that to me it means that belief didn’t come all at once, that our spiritual awakenings are of the educational variety as opposed to the flash-of-light variety. My faith will come gradually as I practice spiritual principles.

Q – Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn’t have tangible evidence? What was that experience like?
A – I have believed in love – that was awesome. At some point I believed that my parents knew everything – that felt safe. I’ve also felt that A*** knew everything –that felt safe as well, until I was wrong. I believe that Poppop can see me – that feels good. With all of these things, the more I believed the more they were true. it sounds like a load of crap, but it is true. Whenever I believe I’m sick, I am sick. When I believe I’m well, I am well. My belief is a powerful force.

Q – What experiences have I heard others share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
A – S**** says she doesn’t really know who or what she’s praying to. That she just knows that things seem to go better when she is practicing spiritual principles. I have tried this and it helps me to not be specific about what power greater than myself I am praying to. It feels easier to not define it. though harder at first – how do I address the prayer? “God?” “You?” “anyone?” now it comes easier. I just talk. Others have gone to church or to the bible to come to believe. I haven’t done either of these earnestly.

Q – In what do I believe?
A – I believe that goodness begets goodness. Not always immediately or obviously, but I believe that if one lives by spiritual principles that life is easier to handle. Not that life doesn’t happen, but that life on spiritual terms leads to a healthy perspective of the importance of things. I believe that we have purpose. I believe that there is a plan, perhaps not a big god dude up there pulling strings, but a plan for life. I believe that no one really goes to hell. I believe that we are judged by a combination of our thoughts and our actions. That something greater than humans exists and knows our hearts. I believe we truly are all one.

Q – How has my belief grown since I’ve been in recovery?
A – Only through practice. I’ve been able to let go of some of this illusion of control, sometimes.

Friday, February 17, 2006

popbitch sent me this

i am now officially obsessed with lost.

i love it very much and hate it at the same time. i have resorted to allowing drew and i to watch ONE PER night on the weeknights because i am very grouchy for work in the morning if i get caught up and watch twoorthreeorfourorfiveor...

and the PUPPIES!!!
while they are certainly very cute they are very noisyandalwayshungry and they make me crazy and drew just puts in his beloved ear plugs and snoozes away while i am afraid that if i put the ear plugs in that one will be dying and crying his/her little heart out but i will have my ears plugged and won't hear and wake up to dead puppy and beverysad

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"the job of the man is not only to woo the woman but to keep her wooed. therefore it is your responsibility to keep her focused on calling out your name.

you can do this by fucking her better than her ex, and dirtier, and more sexy. destinys child has that song say my name. when you bring it sneer and demand that she says yr name. smile so she knows youre not psycho but repeat the instruction. flip her over and say mario never did this to you did he baby. and if she moans and says no you say no who. and withhold until she says no michael he never fucked me like this.

then buy a trucker hat and have your name airbrushed on it."

truly inspired answer by a true lover of women.

raymi thinks we deserved 911

that's not a very canadian thing to say

so apparently you can throw your partner down on the ice, and still get a silver medal.
the annoucers said that the chinese teams train so hard that they leave their family at age 13 and only see them for one week a year or some shit like that.

you'd think they'd be better.

also, the russians that won the gold medal sucked. he was like an NBA center... like mark eaton out there on the ice. remember mark eaton? the lumberjack utah jazz center that would just scare the other players into handing him the ball?

well, he is more graceful than this russian skater.

Monday, February 13, 2006


ok so drew downloaded the first season of LOST
and we stayed in all weekend and watch 12 or 13 episodes
and it has been awesome
a little too much drama for drew
and sometimes it moves a little slow
(shit it's network tv and they gottapaythebills)
but i kept thinking that the doctor guy
looks so familiar and it was freakingmeout
then duh i looked him up on imdb
and found out that hes the party of five older bro
i guess everybody knew this but me

daniel johnston

fights the devil

Sunday, February 12, 2006

my dog doesn't know the difference between my slipper and his toy

yay snow!
a foot and a half
it had to be on the only day
that i'm off from both jobs?
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Friday, February 10, 2006

today i'm listening to
the white stripes
suicidal tendencies
janes addiction

i'm working on being honest even if it makes me a dork
i like jack black and jack white
i like boys better than girls (probably because they're easier to manipulate)
i might've hated los angeles because it reminded me of the worst parts of me
i believe i'm in the right relationship contrary to my stupid horrorscope
i miss "good old days" that barely even existed
the faint smell of dog poo follows me everywhere now that i have puppies living in my bathroom
i will always be ST

i haven't shaved my legs in weeks

because it's too cold in our bathroom and i get goosebumps that make for razorburn.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

damnit ROB... why the fuck do you have to do this to me?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Happy Valentine Daze, Virgo! To begin our meditation on romance, let's consider psychologist Carl Jung's words: "People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul." Do you fit that description? Have you ever employed tortured logic to explain to yourself why you're not following your heart's promptings? In the past year, did you take a detour that has led you further and further away from your true home? Are you engaging in evasive measures in order to keep yourself from seeing the open secret about love that's right in front of you? I'm just asking, Virgo, not accusing. Only you know the correct answers.

Panthro says: hi

Panthro says: I miss you

butthole says: i miss you too honey and
i won't get to see you here i'll email you somehting

Panthro says: honey..

butthole says: yes baby

Panthro says: you are very cute..

butthole says: heh

Panthro says: you know what's funny?

butthole says: whats that

Panthro says: it's a good picture of you..

butthole says: stop its not

Panthro says: yes it is....you are very very cute

butthole says: no

butthole says: my face is fat

butthole says: yukky fat

Panthro says: no..

butthole says: yes

Panthro says: i will send it to some people and see what they think...

butthole says: NOOOOO

Panthro says: hehe

Panthro says: jk

Panthro says: honey I have to go soon..

butthole says: why

butthole says: no dont go

butthole says: HONEY

butthole says: where are you

butthole says: HONEY?!?!?

Panthro says: hi

butthole says: fuck class, fuck school,
fuck me and we'll get married and have babies...

butthole says: just kidding gosh

Panthro says: k

Panthro says: i will fuck you

Panthro says: tonight

butthole says: ok

Panthro says: what are you doing after work?

butthole says: taking the puppies outside for the first time

butthole says: you'll miss it

Panthro says: honnnneeeeyy..

butthole says: hahahahah

butthole says: mmwaahhahaha

butthole says: you want me to wait?

Panthro says: whatever..do what you want..

butthole says: aww don't pout

butthole says: we can do it tomorrow

butthole says: you are very cute when you are a poutmonster

Panthro says: heehee

Panthro says: back to the fucking..

Panthro says: i will poke you hard

butthole says: you will?

butthole says: harder?

Panthro says: yes harder

butthole says: you will smack my ass

Panthro says: yes..until it is bright red

butthole says: you will choke me

Panthro says: till you pass out

butthole says: you will fuck my face?

Panthro says: then i will put it in your ass

butthole says: NOOOOOO

butthole says: you can't do that

Panthro says: yes

butthole says: you need astroglide

Panthro says: i will get some

butthole says: http://www.astroglide.com/

Panthro says: yeah...

Panthro says: someone just sat next to me

butthole says: ooops

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

damn... i WISH

just 'cuz yer grouchy doesn't mean i can't gesticulate

the other day i run into a friend
that i haven't seen in 10 years
(jeez i'm old enough to have adult friends
that i haven't seen in 10 years)
and we agree to get together sometime to catch up.
he calls over the weekend and we agree to grab dinner
on "monday night."
he's a waiter and gets a discount at one of
his sister restaurants
so we decide to go there.
it is a nice restaurant.
one that drew and i have been meaning to go to but
can't ever afford.
so i tell drew i'm going to dinner with this friend.
and he's not very happy about it.
and then i tell him where
and he's less happy.
oh well.
so i go last night and its nice to catch up
and i love my friend we had some good times together
and it was nice to talk about them
(no we never hooked up which is highly unusual considering the
slut that i was, and i'm sure he always wondered why because
i hooked up with everyone else on the planet)
so whatever, nice 2 hour dinner for which he pays (i tried
i swear i really tried to give him some money he wouldn't
have it)
we say goodbye keep in touch we live in the same city
we should hang out yada yada yada...
i go home and drew asks
how my date was.

Friday, February 03, 2006


dude, what the fuck...
when am i gonna realize that taking shortcuts
doesn't work?
when the fuck in my natural born adult fucking life
am i not going to be "tired"??
is anyone fucking happy?
i should be grateful, but i'm fucking not.
how can being late for work put me in tears?
when am i going to stop beating myself up
for not being perfect?
why does some fucking beagle-loving spca freak
piss me off so god damn much?
when am i going to stop needing to work two fucking jobs?
when is my past going to not rule my fucking life?
am i ever going to feel fulfilled?
will i ever just NOT have days like this?
yeah, boofuckinhoo i'm tired because i went to the fucking stones concert
two nights ago
and i was up late last night cleaning my fucking house
and taking care of two dogs and four puppies
boofuckinhoo for me to have two awesome fucking dogs
and four cuteaspie puppies...
boofuckinghoo i had to get up early this morning and feed the puppies
and make lunch for me and my boyfriend.
boofuckinghoo that i have a boyfriend who's in college trying to better himself...
boofuckinghoo that my boyfriend also works so he needs lunch to eat
between school and work.
yeah my life is so fucking rough.
a fucking cush job at a great university
that's going to pay for my master's degree
(if i would ever get off my ass and write the goddamned essay)
and a second job at a restaurant where they pay me
to take food orders...
boofucking hoo my life is so rough.
i've done everything i can to screw this life up...
alcoholic, drug addict, thief, con-artist, whiner-baby,
and i'm not in jail.
yeah, my life is pretty rough.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

ok i'm just gonna say this once

if winnie dies because i made her have puppies
then i will be very upset.
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she's not stopped bleeding yet.
the vet said it would be okay
she might bleed for six weeks
or more
he said to just watch to make sure she's eating...

this morning she was not psyched
about eating.

this is a dog who's always psyched
about eating.

dude, if she's sick 'cuz my selfish ass
wanted puppies....

i saw the rolling stones play paint it black last night

... and i almost cried.
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i mean it, i teared up. i didn't think it was that big of a deal until it happened.
i can't believe they still rock the fucking hizouse at eighty-eight years old and shit.
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i saw keith richards
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and i don't care if he is a hundred and two and can't sing worth a shit
(even though they let him sing happy)
i would still fuck him.

he could just lay there.

i wouldn't care.
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i don't care that the rolling stones aren't

(that is what they're saying, isn't it...
it's hard to tell
and with
ostensibly missing from the blogosphere,
i don't know how to interpret the msm.)

who cares... the stones rocked the bells
here in baltimore
and if they suck at the superbowl
they sure didn't suck in my
chocolate city.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

how cool is this?

great big thanks to SQUABBLER

oh ya and BUZZNET duh

i really wanna hate
Jack White
but i can't