kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

miss amanda jones (not her real name)

i can't solve all of amanda's problems. shit i can't even comprehend most of them.

i'd like to just take her through the steps, like the rest of my sponsees, but i'm not sure that's possible given her state of mind.

i'm not a doctor. i'm not a banker. i'm not a relationship counselor. i'm just a drunk. a recovered drunk who has taken other drunks through the steps the way that i was taken through the steps by another drunk.

she needs a doctor. she needs relationship counseling. she has outside issues. and she needs to treat them with outside help.

my sponsor told me that if i treat my alcoholism that 99% of the rest of my problems would die from lack of attention. she didn't lie. it happened for me.

but i can't even begin to help her treat her alcoholism. i can't keep her attention for more than 30 seconds. she refuses to follow directions. but she wants to recover. she wants it so badly.

last night ended like all of our meetings. she was mad at me. she told me i was too hard on her. at some point she suggested i help her find another sponsor. i told her that if she wasn't willing to follow my suggestions, that she did need to find another sponsor. one whose suggestions she was willing to take. but that it was not my responsibility to find her another sponsor.

"you hate me"

"i don't hate you, sweetie."

"yes you do. you and christina hate me."

and she walks off with her wife-beating husband. he's sick too. an alcoholic with outside issues. he lives on the streets, she's in a glamorous "rehab" downtown, two blocks from skid row. the real skid row.

and then, this morning, the same thing that always happens.

she calls to check in. (the only direction that she's followed with any regularity.) she tells me she loves me.

she says she's scared because a detective is coming to talk with her today. probably about the charges she filed against her husband. who beats her. who she loves. who she was with last night, like all nights.

"if that's the way he's got to learn his lesson, that's what i'll do," she says without meaning a word of it.

i tell her to be honest. and that i'll say a prayer for her. she tells me she loves me.

every night when we part she's mad at me. mad at me for treating her like a child. she's 41 years old. she's taken care of herself for that long. who am i to tell her what to do.

every morning she calls to tell me she loves me. that she knows i'm trying to help. that she asked me for help. and that she's willing to follow directions.

Friday, November 26, 2004

is it you?

once upon a time
(because that's how all sagas go)
baltimore met a boy she named kansas

on thanksgiving eve
at an impromptu dinner party for three

(yes... 3)
hosted by the holy oak

they ate pasta with shrimp
and tomatoes and basil
and talked about hollywood

they talked about philly
and weddings and great halls
and new york, the city and state

baltimore tried too hard to impress
(as she is want to do)
using wrong words in right contexts
and laughing a bit too loud

but kansas was witty and smart and gracious
and so was the holy oak

kansas talked about sitting in a concrete cell
and tapping on a computer all day
(or was that someone else...)

kansas was a liberal
from a conservative family
so the three didn't talk about politics

they talked about texas
and one of his ex's
and her sister who lived up north
(in canada)

they discussed delirious eddie
and punch drunk adam
and disagreed on many things

but kansas was witty and smart and gracious
and so was the holy oak

the oak made the dinner
baltimore washed up
and kansas drank kirin and sam

they watched ice cube
in a movie about crack
that was disguised in a purple haze

then saw billy idol
in a movie that wasn't as great
as the role he played
in the doors

they smoked cigarettes
and talked about the weather
and stayed up 'til

and when he was leaving
he hugged the tree
and also the city that reads

he left with the trash
and her attention
and ruined her thanksgiving day

because baltimore the city
was busy the next day
with the state of kansas on her mind

how the story will end
only four people know
(ok, maybe just two or three)
baltimore, kali, kansas the junkie
and perhaps the holy oak

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

somewhere in the middle lies the truth

so this hmong-american went hunting one day in wisconsin.

and ends up shooting eight people, killing six.

and now, i guess, we're trying to figure out who's fault it is.


some call it a crazy man on a spree, some call it racism, and unsurprisingly, some think it's the gun's fault.

-- "Chai Vang, 36, told Sawyer County sheriff's investigators he didn't know he was on private property."

(really? but he's been living here for 24 years and speaks fluent english)

-- "[Vang] said one of the victims, Joey Crotteau, tried to run away, but Vang chased him, got within 20 feet and shot him in the back."

-- "Authorities have said there was only
one gun among the eight hunters."

(eight people hunting with one gun?... hmmm)

-- "Vang's description of events differs sharply from the one authorities provided the day before, based on survivors' testimony, which described the rampage as an unprovoked attack."

-- "At another point, he
reloaded his semi-automatic, SKS assault rifle... and turned his reversible jacket inside out, so that the camoflauge side faced outwards instead of the high-visibility blaze-orange layer."

-- "'There is no way they would have shot at him' or teased him with racial epithets,
she said."

-- "'They treat you bad,'
said Ying Vang, executive director of a Hmong community center. He said whites hurl racial insults at Hmong American hunters. 'You don't hear that on the streets of St. Paul, but in hunting areas it's different.'"

so was it provoked?

who the fuck cares? the guy killed 6 people. with an assault rifle.

his bail was set at $2.5 million.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Ravens 30 Cowboys 10

so before the ravens trounced the cowgirls, my weekend was taken over by the NBA.

so much coverage, you'd think there wasn't a war going on.

and every stinking small town reporter in the fucking country took the sucker punch. the easiest line of offense to take. it got so i got sick of hearing it. i knew it was coming every time.

"and these are the athletes our kids look up to"
"our children make heros out of these guys"
"you have to wonder what our kids are learning from this"

for shit's sake people, can't we think of something original to say? since the beginning of small town tv news desks, they've been saying this shit. they love it. can't wait like something for this to happen so they can pull out their cliches.

(ed reed rocks the hizouse)

so then i'm on the metro this fine monday morn and two teenagers get on.

one is carrying the sports section of sunday's paper. they're both speaking animatedly and throwing air punches. i can't hear their whole conversation, but i know what they're talking about. they love it. pushing each other and smiling, throwing punches, and yelling.

when they're done talking about the NBA they move on to their other favorite topic...

the NCAA fight.

... hey, at least they're reading the paper, right?

Saturday, November 20, 2004

moment of clarity

so last night southie called as i was walking to get something to eat.

"i'm going to get something to eat and then watch a DVD or something, wanna go?"

he was two blocks away so it seemed like the right thing to do.

we went to his house, grabbed a pork roast and a movie (y tu mama tambien -- fucking brilliant by the way) and were off to my apartment.

my roommate wasn't home... his was.

so he started the pork and then sat on the couch and we watched the movie.

i finished the meal and brought it out and all that.

i don't really mind doing nice stuff for people -- i just like to act like i hate it so they don't expect too much.

so we eat, watch a great movie and he falls asleep.

and i hate him for it.

and i now know that i just want sex.

that's all i wanted and i didn't get it.

i mean the conversation's nice. being with someone is okay.

but i just really wanted the sex.

maybe it was the movie.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Young Buck's mother, Audrey Horn, said Thursday in Nashville that she had not heard from her son but "was sure David is going to turn himself in."

Thursday, November 18, 2004

voulez vous?

against tony pierce's better judgment, i tuned into leno last night.

i rarely watch it, but let's just say i have a weakness for foul mouthed irish boys.

though honestly i think the attraction is fueled by the thought that he's so slutty that if i ran across him there actually might be a possibility that we'd fuck.

at least i can dream.

he did not disappoint. was bleeped at least 20 times. then was at his sexiest while interacting with the 6 year old dinosaur expert. possibly because he's a new daddy hisself.

but that fucking jay leno. apparently he prepped for the interview by reading one article. and it just happened to be the same one i read. all of buttface's questions were questions that the GQ author had asked. so lame.

but on the other channel, dave was dripping all over rene zellweger...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

what would wendy-o do?

so i've been thinking about heading back east...

i was checking craig's list for ride shares.

see, my problem is that i have plane tickets from here to canada and back to meet my fam at the sister's house. so i was thinking that i have to stay at least until then.

(ok, really the tickets are to albany, ny, but that's a whole other sad ass story about me still being in love with my ex.)

also i was thinking i might get a christmas bonus. is that ridiculous? to stay in helLA to get $150 extra... or nothing at all. then i'd be mad, because i stayed for the bonus. plus it's not very nice to grab an xmas bonus then quit.

but the other thing is that i've got this great roommate. i mean she's literally one of the only things i like about kalipornia at this point. she's nice, but not intrusive. cool, but not scenestery. gorgeous, but not stuck up.

it's no surprise that she's from the east. it is a surprise, however, that this place hasn't swallowed up all that coolness yet.

anywho, i don't want to fuck her over. i just moved in a couple of months ago.

but this cat on craig's list is driving his empty, covered, flat-bed truck east on december 5th. and he's looking for someone to rideshare.

dec. 5th? jeez i could be back in baltimore sooner than i thought.

but the plane tickets.
and the roommate.
and the bonus.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

the motorcycle diaries

i fixed it.

and it only took 5 fucking minutes once i got the stupid part.

a new coil

(just one side of the double coil ignition system -- the one that fires cylinders 2 and 3)

for $25 from johnson and wood.

all i needed was a phillips head screwdriver.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

i want to ride my bicycle

jeez what a coupla days.

the motorbike was misfiring and popping all week and then yesterday it wouldn't start.

so i changed the plugs and still nada.

i took a gander at it, and the high tension wire to spark plug #2 was split and arcing all over the fucking place.

so i went back to the bike shop and bought a new wire, thinking i could just splice it into the coil.

got home after the store closed and it was dark.

this morning got up bright and early to begin the begining and fuck if i can't save the coil. no dice. can't splice shit.

so now i have to wait until monday or possibly tuesday to find a new coil.

must find ride to work at 7:30 monday a.m.

yeah, right.

Friday, November 12, 2004

a jock by any other name...

so my new favorite show is battle for ozzfest.

i think it’s really just a way for me to get away with watching a reality show without looking too much like a girl.

i’m a sucker for the reality show, for reals. always have been, and it hasn’t stopped yet.

when i was dating chris he would never let me watch them.

"mind numbing crap. "

(ok, let me amend that. i could watch whatever i wanted, but i’d have to hear his mouth the whole time and it was easier just to watch the history channel.)

who knows why i like them so much.

so this one’s about ozzfest. well, bands that want to be on the ozzfest tour.

something like 8 bands (or 9, or whatever, who really cares, can’t get attached to them all because someone’s got to go any episode now) are competing to be on the tour next year.

from each band got picked one representative to go compete. (read: live on a tourbus and do crappy roadie shit)

so here’s the thing. i like ahmad. he’s horrible, he talks too much and he’s prone to random acts of stupidity and bipolar fits of emotion. he’s the perfect punk rocker.

but they’re gonna vote him off any minute now. they tried to last night.

why they didn’t kick that fucker kelly off is a mystery. he’s a fucking jock. (but his eyes look cuhrazy cool.) chelsea’s about to hook up so she wouldn’t vote him off.

my favorite so far, however, is marc. he hasn’t said much yet, but I bet he’s great on the guitar.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

i'm in lurve

ann coulter fires back.

thank jesusland.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

jobs for the unwashed libshits

i've got an idea.

something for the unemployed liberals to do with their time.

re-count all the votes by hand.

why not? i'm not scurred. i think they'll come up with the same president. god knows they're all honest people.

the flaw is in thinking that we're hiding the "truth." the truth is that we don't have the time to be "demanding a full investigation." we have a country to run.

but you guys can do it... go ahead. no pay, though. but you're not really doing much else are you? it would only interfere with your blogging time.

moxie has posted a guidebook to visiting jesusland.

she's my hero

oh yeah... check this crap out. i guess they don't figure in the large african-american population as a result of these states being former slave owners. have we brainwashed them too? are there now black crackers?

jesusland help us.

Monday, November 08, 2004

i want this

this is funny

stick this in your media player

the gods must be smoking hash

what an unbelievably good weekend.

i swear it's a conspiracy now that i have a blog called kalipornia sux... they've conspired to give me less to hate.

friday night i stayed at home and rested. only to be woken from a nap by my incredibly sweet roommate offering fresh sushi. she and her boyfriend took a sushi class and somehow always manage to overshoot the mark of hunger. so i reap the rewards. yummy hand-rolled sushi.

saturday i went to the neurosis show at the troubadour. though they are old and much less angry, they still rock.

then i went to a party. at a house. and the people there were very engaging. liberals all, but fun to talk to and argue with.

and for once in my god-damned social life in kali, i don't remember one person name-dropping a celebrity. amazing. real people talking about real life at a real house party.

i didn't get home until 3:30 a.m.

when i woke up the next morning, my coolest roommate and her friend were hungover from their saturday night adventures which, apparently, involved an ad hoc limo-ride home.

so we cooked eggs and turkey cardboard (read: bacon) and sat on the floor and ate it while watching dirty dancing. ("i carried a watermelon?") damn, that's about as girly as i get.

then my flesh blanket, southie, calls to ask to hang out.

during the day?

i wasn't sure if it seemed like a good idea or not, but i went with it anyway.

some more sushi, a political conversation that involved shouting, (much to the chagrin of the employees of this fine establishment, yet enjoyed deeply by yours truly,) and one leather coat later we're back at his house having incredible, angry sex. hurts so good.

then he takes me home where i sleep alone (yay!) in my bed (okay, except for the cat.)

i couldn't have asked for it any better.

excepting, of course, that today is monday.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

is 'stupidest' a word?

so there's this guy in my "office" who uses the word "late" as a signoff for his telephone conversations.


as if the whole two syllable word is just too hard to say. (the two syllable word that's really short for an excruciatingly long three-word sentence.)

i don't know why it bothers me so much.

he says it to his girlfriend.

during the course of the day yesterday i vowed to never date a guy that says "late" when he's done talking on the phone. especially to me.

then i got home yesterday and was listening to my new phone messages. i came across a week-old message from my current flesh blanket whom we'll call "southie."

"hey this is [southie], just calling to see what you're up to... late"

late? he actually said late. fuck.

now let me start rationalizing by saying:

1. we're not really dating per se. just fucking.
2. the sex is fucking awesome.
3. the reason we're fucking is not because of his intelligence.
4. did i say the sex was awesome?

so, i suppose i take the vow back. or perhaps i'll just amend the vow by saying i'll never seriously date anyone who ends phone conversations with the word late.

ok? ok.

Friday, November 05, 2004

he's still at it Posted by Hello

i know it's late but it's been bugging me to hell...

"In America it is vital that every vote count, and that every vote be counted.
But the outcome should be decided by voters, not a protracted legal process.
I would not give up this fight if there was a chance we would prevail.
But it is now clear that even when all the provisional ballots are counted - which they will be - there won't be enough outstanding votes for us to be able to win Ohio, and therefore we cannot win this election."

-- excerpted from kerry's concession speech

i'm so glad that this man is not our president. this doesn't even make sense.

this is what i get from it:

"if i had a snowball's chance in hell of winning i'd lawyer up faster than you can say 'NYPD blue,' but since i've already lost, i denounce that type of behavior as categorically wrong..."

for chrissakes... have a fucking opinion.

it's like dating. i'd much rather go out with someone with a god-damned opinion. even if it's not mine. (believe it or not.) just have a fucking opinion. be proud. stand up for something.

(besides... i hate those "where do you wanna go?" "i dunno where do you wanna go?" conversations.)

Thursday, November 04, 2004

3 more reasons why i love liberals

1. because they hate our president, but worship junkies who beat their wives.

2. because they cheated their asses off and still didn't win.

3. because they claim everybody should have a voice, but won't listen if they don't agree.

thanks, you guys, for helping my president win with largest popular vote in history.

better hurry and get behind obama... he sure is a "well-spoken" black man.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

and i thought i was stupid

and, in fairness, i still may be.

liberals are really pissed off.

they're talking about moving to another country... i'll buy it when i see it. perhaps they can move to france with johnny depp to bad mouth us from there. (but please keep the movie dollars rolling in from that "stupid puppy.")

but the latest greatest is the bandwagon for obama. also i hear more talk of a hillary clinton presidential bid. now i'm scurred. i could threaten to move if that happened, but i wouldn't.

apparently, i'd keep spending "$50 to fill up [my] Explorer." (when i get one, i'll let you know.)

but no, they won't move. they'll just bad mouth the president for four more years.

thank god the majority of the american public didn't fall for the celebrity endorsement nonsense. why should we consult high school dropouts on foriegn policy?

my liberal roomie got so depressed last night that i almost felt sorry for her. she's from massachusetts.

hey, the red sox won the world series... you can't expect 2 miracles in less than a month.

USofuckingA Posted by Hello

what's round on the outside and hi in the middle?

kerry concedes .

wow, i was scurred for a second. not.

i still hate california.

now, will the liberals please shut up?

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

vote or vomit

voting is sexy.

i was standing in line this morning at 7:05 and people were there.

it was awesome. everybody looked serious. we had a job to do. the boys just looked hot. hair tousled, eyes puffy.

this morning, i even forgave the abercrombie and fitch t-shirts and second-glanced boys i never would've had they not been in line to vote.

i didn't know my neighborhood had a Buddhist temple. wow. the things you learn when you vote. i need a fucking guided tour of my neighborhood. apparently there's a monastary up there too. who woulda thunk it.

god knows i hate friends. hate the show with a passion. hated it when it was on, hate it now that it's in syndication.

(the brits do it so much better.)

but last night i understood, in a brief moment of clarity, why you people watch it.

it happened while i was watching the west wing marathon on bravo. brilliant. flipping around during the commercials i see the spot for the jon stewart "live election coverage."

i decide that i'd much rather watch that than any real coverage...

and BOOM, it hits me.

i'm an escapist. just like you.

and left without any other tv shows, or a book, or a paper, or even a tabloid magazine... given the choice between the noise in my head and the tv show of the lowest common denominator...

even i might watch friends.

(though thinking about it makes me physically ill. )

Monday, November 01, 2004

birth of a blog

I, kalipornia Posted by Hello

well, that was relatively painless. except for naming it, which sux because it feels like it matters, but it really doesn't.

i figure the way i can be most prolific is to share the reasons why i hate living in los angeles.

that should be fodder enough.

this morning i almost got killed driving to work. no biggie. it happens everyday. especially now that i ride the freeway to work. some dickhead changed lanes without looking. like i say, happens everyday in helLA. swerved into my lane and forced a quick lane change out of me. wouldn't be such a big deal if i didn't ride a motorcycle.

"motorcycles are dangerous."

not really... not if you shitheads weren't on the road trying to f-ing kill me.

the kicker is that i could smell his fucking cologne. drakar. (i'm embarrassed i know.) it was stifling. fucking gross.

my favorite blog + a close second