kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, December 28, 2007

humbled county

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The desert-dwelling creosote bush can survive for centuries on little water. In the Mohave Desert there is a ring of creosote, named "King Clone," whose age has been carbon-dated at 11,700 years. The hardiness of this low-maintenance wonder reminds me of you, Virgo. You sometimes entertain the fantasy that the less you need, the stronger you'll be. The downside of this attitude is that you may unwittingly make it hard for people to give you their gifts. The upside is that you've learned many secrets about how to nurture and take care of yourself. But in 2008, I foresee you making a shift away from the creosote bush metaphor. You're more likely to resemble a tomato bush that gets watered regularly.

so. uhm. i'm in this place. where i've acted badly (badly? weird word, "bad." maybe not so accurate. how about poorly.. ya i guess that's better.) but don't want to be held accountable for it. like rather than own up to my embarrasing temper tantrum i'd just rather run.

and running has always brought me such great gifts. gifts like starting over, poverty, drug use, loss of jobs, homelessness, degradation, pitiful and incomprehensible demorilization. /sarcasm.

so i get to sit for a minute. say, "MAN i fucked up." realize that man i'm gonna fuck up again. just because i don't look like i'm in recovery doesn't mean i'm not. i am being FORCE FED humility by my own hand. hello eighth step. thought i might get away without experiencing pain.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

my head is attacking me

you're not smart you're stupid so no need to have a huge ego about it plus now you've acted like a fucking mental case in front of someone whom you're supposed to be helping, helping, heh what a concept helping do what? act like a crazy person? that's the only kind of help you're fit to give how to be a crazy person 101. how to mentally spiral downward in .03 seconds or less and now you've acted like a complete fuck up you might as well go use. being accountable for your bad behavior is so fucking unbearable to you why don't you just go fuck everything up. and you say you want to have children? awesome. go ahead pass on the crazy gene, good thinking. how would you even be fit to take care of a child, no wonder god made you barren you're fucking crazy and you would raise a crazy child who's scared to death of it's crazy mother. why don't you just fucking kill yourself you are useless.