kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

PR 101

okay, so tesco asks if i'm not detracting from raymi's book sales by shuffling one copy around the country.

(i know what you're thinking. that's a bold question coming from someone who runs an mp3 site, right??? ... ya i thought that too ;)

anyway, here's at least some of the theory.

1. who's to say that the people who are receiving the book to review would've bought the book themselves?

2. exponential marketing. the number of people who hear about the book as a result of the "tour" grows exponentially with each review.

3. i alone, have talked about the book more than i would've had i just read it and then written a review.

4. if anyone of the book tour groupies carries the book anywhere outside of the house chances are that people are going to ask about it. they asked me.

ok so i'm bored of the numbered points, but i did want tesco to know that i had put at least some thought into it. christ, why did microsoft give away it's technology for the first some odd years? what software are you running on your computer?

that is all.

Friday, July 28, 2006

... and we're off

Thursday, July 27, 2006

kiss ass book review

ok maybe not so kiss ass
but still,

a book review.

so i finally fucking coughed up the
money for raymi's book.
having read several 'reviews' on other blogs
and finding myself addicted
to raymitheminx.com(or blogspot.com, whatever)

and i really liked it.
i mean, really.
i liked it because i always did want to know
more about her drug dealer ex-boyfriend
and her nuthouse stays
and her online prostitution days.

and i liked it because i like her writing style.
it's super-coloquial but doesn't ever get
hard to read like some of those hip gangster wannabe dudes.
it rolls right along. i was with her the whole time.

the book is admitedly too short. and there's obviously stuff that raymi's sick of writing about or doesn't think is interesting that shoulda/woulda been included. often we are not our own best critic/editor. someone should have said to her "play freebird."

you know, like tell the story that you're sick of telling because not everybody's heard it before and even if they have they love it everytime. it must be like everybody wanting the who to play baba o'riley. because it's a good FUCKING song. do you think pete can count how many times he's played it?

man it nails down depression and alcoholism too. fucking nails it. be careful reading this if you're not willing to be honest with yourself about the various inflictions from which you suffer. because sooner than later you'll be nodding your head and on the verge of tears. minutes later you'll be trying to convince yourself that you only related because she writes so damn well. ya ok buddy.

ok so now here's the deal. (i haven't asked raymi's permission for this by the way, but she rarely reads my blog, so at least i have that going for me)

and by that i mean that raymi's book will be doing a tour around (at least) this great continent of ours. i'm going to send it to the first person that asked to read it on the (small) contingent that he reads it and does a review on his site. and then following his honest review (no pandering here, please) he post this message on his site. that he will send the book to the first person who asks, so long as they agree to review it and then pass it on in a similar manner.

is this making sense?

so turtle asked first. he gets the book first as long as he agrees to the terms. if for some unforeseen reason turtle cannot fulfill his obligations as mr raymibook tour then the first runner up, cullen will take over the gig.

(also i think that if turtle reads it first then it only makes sense that michele should read it to, because, well, that's how it works best with them.)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

true talent inspires

reading a good book makes you wanna write, doesn't it?

the same way that a great fucking album makes you want to start a band.

good pictures make you want to buy a camera

or a great film, makes you wanna make a movie.

does that happen to you? it does me.

i got raymi's book in the mail today. i'm on chapter seven. "it's a quick read" she told me. what she didn't say was that it was a quick read because you can't put it down. i'm going to a meeting now. and after the meeting the boy is coming over and i bet i won't get much reading done. but tomorrow at work i'll finish that fucker. you can bet on that.

update my FUCKING doctor doesn't seem to think that a FUCKING PERMA-stache is worthy

of a fucking call to a dermatologist to get me in sooner. i officially hate him and all of his ilk.

how is this NOT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE BUT ME!????!?!?!?

he says he's only seen two cases of it in his WHOLE life and they were both during pregnancy and therefore he doesn't know how to treat it and suggest that i just "wait it out" until fucking september and just "stay out of the sun" until then.

someone tell me to calm the fuck down and that it's not life threatening or anything just a freaking UGLY PILL FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL BORN LIFE!!!

for ghostie

pics for your new line


sisters! listen up!
within 5 minutes of me posting
about my perma-stache horror,
my former roommate and miss world contestant
hit me up on googletalk
to tell me what was the dealie-yo.

k*: so i was reading your blog

me: help
k*: and i totally have what you have
it is called melasma
and it is hormone induced

me: NO!
k*: yes-
it is a mofo
and i HATE it

me: it's because i'm on the fucking pill, isn't it?
k*: it does look like a permanent moustache
i got it from the patch

me: that fucking asshole
k*: and it DOES NOT GO AWAY
me: the ring
k*: it will go away slightly
but as soon as you go in the sun-

me: oh man. i swear i hate it
k*: it freaking comes back
me: oh no
k*: you have to get hydroquinone
me: the damn pill!
k*: prescription strength
me: i knew i hated it for a reason
k*: however, it won't go away with the pill
you have to call a dermatologist
my gyno said it won't go away on b.c.
but i got off the patch
and i STILL have it
and dare i spend 2 minutes in the sun,
i look like f'n hitler

me: me too! !! total dyke
k*: and i feel like i have to tell people it is NOT a moustache
me: it's totally not
k*: it is just like a giant brown stain
which almost sounds worse ;)
dude- it sucks
i think i am going to call my dermatologist today

me: right. no honey it's not a 'stache it's a brown stain
k*: i was in the sun all weekend and it is terrible

so i call my gyn's office
tell the chick that i need the doc to call me
it's an emergency -- i've got MELASMA on my UPPER LIP from THE PILL
the receptionist seems to understand the urgency
asks if she can have the doctor on call give me a call back
because my doctor won't be in until TOMORROW!

the doctor on call gives me a shout.
i unload...

me: dr *&*&$^& put me on nuvaring and i went on vacation right after and i got sun and now i have melasma on my UPPER LIP. what do i do?

her: well the melasma wasn't neccessarily caused by the nuvaring.

me: you're kidding me. you think it's just coincidence that a mustache appeared the week i started on the oral contraception?

her: could be

me: that's ridiculous. my roomate diagnosed me in 2 minutes and you're a DOCTOR and you're telling me you're NOT SURE????

her: well as a GYN i have to be concerned about contraception. what will you use for birth control?


she got a pretty good laugh out of that one. then she told me not to say that. that she's been a GYN for years and i wouldn't believe who came in pregnant. it was like a bonding moment where i decided that i wouldn't kill her.

she told me to see a dermatologist.

only the dermatologist's office didn't think perma-stache was grounds for an emeregency appointment (fuckers -- i CAN NOT have this!!)
the first available appointment is september 15...

yes, i just left a message for my real GYN to call me....

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

holy fucking girl post

alright, pitt has me all fucking revved up.

fuck that guy. (not literally, we'll leave that to outlaw, dude she's got to be one tough bitch to rein that fucker in...)

***disclaimer for everyone without a sense of humo(u)r -- i love pitt. i really do. the fact that he gets me all irked is proof that i like him. then he lets me rant and goes off on me again. he never says he's sorry and for that i love him. i loe the outlaw more because, well, see above comment***

so now i'm doing a stricly girls post because i'm having a minor (read:if i don't settle this i'll slit my fucking wrists) crisis.

first of all when i bleed during
sometimes i get clumpy blod clots
like the size of red dimes with imbelicle cords

(ok i really am not posting about that i just
wanted to scare off any boys that were listening in still)

so here's the real shite
i get my upper lip (read:moustache)
waxed like twice a month
but something strange happened this last time.
it died my skin or something.
or the chemicals made my skin extra susceptable to the sun
or something.
now i have a fucking perma-stache.
seriously it is SO NOT COOL.
like i'm not dyke enough as it is.
it's not hair it's a skin pigment.

what the fuck am i going to do about it?
i WILL NOT be moustache girl no way no how i swear i'll kill myself
before i go through life with a 'stache.
so what do i do?

wait it out?
raymi says use makeup but i don't wear makeup so just makeup on the lip would be totally noticable.
they have skin lightening stuff but i'm afraid i will start a neverending cycle of dying my skin... help me!!!????


Monday, July 24, 2006

Hey Luke Wilson

so apparently universal stole the idea for their
new lame film you, me and dupree
from a steely dan song called "cousin dupree"

and now steely dan has totally
called them out
via a letter to owen wilson's brother, luke
they've posted on the their website.

doods i have not/will not see the film
(everyone who knows me knows at least this
i am a film snob.)
but i would bet a million dollars that

this letter

is funnier than the whole stink-bombed film.

some excerpts:
"It's your little brother Owen C. that's the problem. We realize what a drag it is for you to have people coming to you about his lameness all the time and we're really sorry to be doing the same thing... But it so happens that your brother has gotten himself mixed up with some pretty bad Hollywood shlockmeisters and that he may be doing, like, permanent damage to his good creds and whatever reputation for coolness he may still have - let's face it, 'Bottle Rocket' was a ways back already."

"Nevertheless, they, like took our character , this real dog sleeping on the couch and all and put him in the middle of some hokey 'Down and Out in Beverly Hills' ripoff story and then, when it came time to change the character's name or whatever so people wouldn't know what a rip off the whole thing was, THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO THINK UP A NEW FUCKING NAME FOR THE GUY"

so they ask him to get his bro to go down to a show and apologize
"He just tells the audience an the band and the crew that he made a bad mistake and that he's sorry - is that so fucking hard? What the hell, you're his big brother. If you lean on him a little bit, I'm sure he'll do the right thing. You don't owe him anything, after the way he and Gwynnie Paltrow double-timed you in 'The Royal Tenenbaums'. [sic]

P.S. Tell Owen to bring his bongos if he wants to sit in--
P.P.S. We're now seeing that according to Wikipedia, Owen is older than you are. But you seem a lot more mature somehow... don't you?"


(h/t: daibh)

i'm conflicted

ok so at this point i think everybody here
is pretty clear on how i feel about
the dickless chili fuckers, right?

well, so my boy says to me yesterday
"hey that new band that you like is playing
soon at pimlico."
pimlico race track?
a new band that i like?
i haven't liked a new band since clutch.


hey, i do kinda like them.
what're they doing playing at pimlico race track?

"it's a festival or something, i don't know i heard it on the

huh. i'll have to check it out.

"ya you probably won't wanna go, though... the chili peppers are playing"

ha! he knows me well. i go on a 5 minute rant about how the chili's arent getting a red cent out of me not even 1% of one penny those fuckers i hate them now.

so then this morning he calls

to tell me that i might want to rethink.
that he heard the THE WHO is headlining.
the mutherfucking who, dudes...

here are the details on the show.

so the question to you, my dear readers...

how much would you pay?
(yaya i know two questions, whatever...)

Friday, July 21, 2006

is halloween here yet? i love halloween.

it's the only time when my coworkers can dress up like me and run around being bitter and sarcastic and yell at the kitchen and say mean things to everyone except be really nice to the tables they're waiting on and when people in their section ask what they are dressed up as they can point over to me waiting on my poor, unsuspecting table and say


and then everybody including my table can laugh and laugh and laugh and point at the glasses and laugh and slap the table and hold their sides

and the whole spanish-speaking kitchen can come out to the front of the house and laugh and laugh and point at said coworker dressed and "acting" like me and laugh.

and no one gets their ass kicked.

cuz this is halloween.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

ms. binsk posted a letter to the universe and she inspired me to do the same

i am writing this letter to the universe because i copy everything binsky binsk does as it is the most sincere form of flattery. plus, honestly, i'm interested in finding out exactly what i want as i have no idea what i'm about to write.

also, i'm going to put a little spin on it because i hear that whatever i put out into the universe is truth. (bear with me i'm getting deep for a moment)

meaning that if i make a list of things i want then i will forever remain in that constant state of wanting. but if i thank the universe for things i already have. then i will have them. (yes, it's a trick. let's see if it works.)

dear universe -

i thank you for my health because i think that's what i'm supposed to say.

i thank you for the fact that i don't lose hours and days and weeks to excessive drinking and drug use anymore. nor ever will again. (just for good measure)

i thank you for my healthy relationship with the boy in which each of us feels that we receive more than we give.

i thank you for the modest but classy wedding where no family member feels shafted out of their vision of how it should happen and a band/music that the boy and i don't fight over and end up both hating.

i thank you for healthy self esteem and concurrent humility.

i thank you for the house i will buy in two years or less (oh wait, by my own theory that would make me always be buying a house in two years or less -- like the "free beer tomorrow" trick -- see how crafty the universe is?? )

i thank you for the brick three story house that i own in the city with a fenced-in yard and hardwood floors and a porch in a good neighborhood and anything but forced-air heat solar heating.

i thank you for my MBA/MSIT from hopkin's that i complete in four years or less.

i thank you for my 3.8 GPA.

i thank you for my successful fulfilling, half-a-million dollar (or and more) a year netting, digital video production business and for my husband's successful world-renowned engineering firm.

i thank you for my three children, two boys and then a girl who are not addicts/alcoholics/cutters/overeaters/anorexics/pop music lovers.

i thank you for all my dogs.

i thank you for my loving family.

and finally,

i thank you for my many friends who don't hold it against me that i'm the worst ever keeper in toucher and love me anyway especially now that i call at least once a month and send birthday cards on time.

i thank you for all these things and everything i've forgotten to mention.

i love you, universe.

-- kali

read binsk's letter. and please, feel free to addthank you for adding your own in the comments.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

can i fucking tell you how right on this guy is ALL THE TIME!!!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Some scientists believe our brains are in a continual state of war. Writing in LiveScience.com, Bjorn Carey reports that our grey matter is a battleground where competing thoughts and impulses struggle for supremacy, brawling and jousting for our undivided attention. I have reason to believe that this ruckus will be far more pronounced than usual for you in the coming weeks, Virgo. All of your pairs of opposites will intensify their conflict, with each side clamoring and maneuvering to be declared winner. What I recommend may surprise you. I think you should just sit back with amused tolerance and let them fight it out. There really is no pressing need for you to be anything other than a radiant bundle of fascinating contradictions.

i think that's the nicest thing i've ever been called... a radiant bundle of fascinating contradictions....

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

regarding my tattoo

so i neglected to get a good shot of my tattoo
before it went into the ugly phase of healing
ie molting, peeling, and general ashiness.

but here's the story.
i found this artist.

very cool stuff.

so i wanted to add something of his to my space arm.
i emailed him to see if he minded and he said
of course not
he's a very cool guy.

so then i looked around virginia beach for a tattoo artist.
i tried this one place and this one guy
but both the place and the guy were dicks.

so i looked again.
and i found this guy.
i called him and told him the deal.
he said email me and we'll make it happen.
he's a very cool guy.

i visited him once.
i showed him his canvas.
he said come back tomorrow i'll have something figured out.
the next day he's like what about this dude?

i said coolio.
he said see you tomorrow.
here's a photo of placement.

you'll just have to wait for detail.
and context.

oh yeah
and i've officially decided
that i'll not ever get my armpits

oh and because michele asked for lenore details...
here's color lenore

black and white lenore
(a real artist did this one obvs)

and here's a picture of me
in my panties
at my work desk.

i'm a tease

Monday, July 17, 2006

oh alright i'm back


hi innerweb.

i'm back. back from vacation in virginia beach. family reunion style.

dueling parenting styles in house #1 versus who can wake up earlier in house #2...

much discussion about my tattoos. "positive language week." (i don't care what anyone says i'm cursing in front of my kids if i ever have them fuck that...) lots of sitting on the beach. some frisbee with the nephews. my 14 year old nephew is a jerk this year. my 18 year old cousin may have a crush on me. everyone thinks i'm weird. i wish christian meant non-judgemental. from the looks of it i'll be 100 pounds over weight in about ten years. i don't like swimming in cold water. i don't like playing group card games. my family is SUPER sarcastic and holier than thou (myself included.) i'm still mad at my dead grandfather (the priest) for not liking my mom's choice of husband. the only other person at the reunion with more than one tattoo was my unlce the priest. he has two. one of a cross and the other of a heart with a hand in it making the "i love you" gesture...

there was a running rift over who thought they bought more/consumed less beer. i thanked god more than once that i didn't have to be in it. i watched the movie rent and it just made me wish i'd seen the play instead. seven under 20 (except me) went to see pirates of the carribean 2. it was long and the running joke was only funny once. though i thought the west indies chick pirate was hot even with the black shit running from her mouth.

i got a new tattoo. it fucking rocks the bells and i'll post a picture with all the fun details as soon as i remember where my camera cord is.

i got back together with the boy. (no he's not moving back in)

i made $300 at work on saturday night which is more than $100 less than i paid for my new tattoo. (totally worth every penny)

i didn't read anyone's blog regularly while i was gone. from what i gather, i don't think outlaw's married yet. tesco loves the fucking cure (he wears black on the outside 'cuz that's the way he feels on the inside.) michele and turtle are still disgustingly in love. free's going to kill some mutherfuckers. raymi's stopped drinking and then started again (shock. awe.) krucoff hung with some of my homies from back in the day. bunny got put in the slammer. daibh's been prolific as usual. mark's going to slayer. marith's blogging again. cullen's celebrating metal life week. chrisuede keeps posting killer shit. sweaty is in lala land. uh... ok i've run out of speed and this is just boring without pictures.

we'll catch up tomorrow.


i'm mean i'm mean
i mean i'm mean

Friday, July 07, 2006

oh ya duh go nominate late 80's punk albums at faster than the world

i'm disappearing

for the next week or so i'll be in va beach
hanging out with my extended family for the first time
in like 15 years or some shit.
and can i just say... yikes.

i mean i'm all excited for my dad getting drunk and browbeating my yuppie aunt with musings such as:
"kill all the towelheads and take their women!!!... what? you portland yuppies love women's rights, doncha? i mean single mothers unite, right?"
...oh yeah it should be fun.

then my cousin can once again acuse my uncle who's-a-priest of molesting her as a child, forcing her onto disablilty for the rest of her natural born life.
...good times.

and my other aunt can explain why she sent the whole family homemade calendars with a cheesecake photo of her barechested son in soccer gear at the top of each month.
... righteous.

and then everybody can get wasted and laugh at what a fuck up i was growing up, and how i've thrown away at least four different careers, and geez is that ANOTHER tattoo? what are you doing now? and they let you have those tattoos? your mom says you're going to school again?? your parents were so proud when you went off to Cornell... what will you do with your education??? business school? what happened to your big dreams of becoming an actress? i thought you didn't want to be in business or you would've taken over for your father like he wanted... what ever happened with that anyway? i thought you came home to help him out? what are you the MOST WORTHLESS FAMILY MEMBER EVER??? AT LEAST MAELEE'S ON DISABILITY!!!???$& %#@*&!*&^#@&^&(*215@#*(

oh whoops i got a little carried away there... i'm sure it won't happen exactly like that.

ok so while i'm gone i'll only look at two sites sorry dudes ima bitch like that

raymi and fttw.

can't promise i'll even be on the interweb, but if so that's where i won't be shutting up in the comments... you know how i roll.

in the meantime can someone find a copy of life of agony - river runs red and take out all the boring whiny crap, make it into mp3's and share them? ok thanks. yay michele

Thursday, July 06, 2006

why i love raymi



***** and then go buy her book!!!!!!!11 *****
(see what i did there, raymi?)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

christ, you mean it's not over?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): July 4, 1776 is generally regarded as the day the 13 American colonies issued the Declaration of Independence, thereby asserting their right to be free of Britain's rule. But the fact is that only two members of the Continental Congress signed the document on that day. Most of the other 54 men waited until August 2. In a similar way, Virgo, a process you thought was fully climaxed this week will not reach its full ripening until early August. I suggest you reserve making your final conclusions until then.

ok so it seems i'm not the only on a little down lately... actually i think i'm on the upswing again so i'm going to tell/show you how i did it.

1. i watched this

(and shutup before you say you've seen it, it's been passed around the internet 5 times by now yada yada yada blah blah blah. just watch it.. listen to it all the way through. watch the little kid in the balcony jam his fucking brains out... listen to the bridge... hear 'em bring it back the other way. listen. appreciate. love.)

**update** fuck buzznet

2. i listened to "sound system" by op ivy. seriously, one time my friend turtle michele (oops) wrote this about the song:
This makes me fucking happy. It’s about creating something, turning words into song, making those words come to life, taking a thought you have in your head, making something of it, and it’s not yours anymore because you’ve put it out there and gave it to everyone. And it’s about being fucking happy, not giving in to the shit around you and just living in the moment. Well, that’s what I get out of it anyhow. box in my hand music by my side. skanking to the rhythm of the music by my side. Yea, dude.
and she's right. fuck how i feel about lint now, back then this was the shiznit -- as all the kids are saying these days.. (oh they're not? oh ok)

well listen to it anyway, i swear you can't help but smile.

3. when all else fails listen to debaser on repeat. it may not cheer you up, but it gives you something to do while you hate the world.

4. ok so you won't be cheered up? then at least GO VOTE for your favorite early 80's punk rock song over at faster than the world. then vote again and again and again. angry voting rocks.

hot doggie porn

dude watch it, she's feisty...

persistence pays...

c'mon you know you want more...

i don't really do "news" so much, but...

-- ken lay dies

-- north korea are a bunch of fuckers.

-- even the serbs understand

-- "When Mexico sneezes, it sprays migrants across North America. Any sign of improving health is good news for everyone."

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

bitch, i'm so butch i'd threaten your boyfriend's manhood, so no worries...

Monday, July 03, 2006

i was feeling a little shitty

if you couldn't tell
so i went and joined the gym

then i spent a shit ton
of money on clothes

and now i feel so much better that
i prolly won't have to
even go to the gym

dude, as a fourth of july present
you owe it to yourselves
to go over to mr. albright's blog
and watch the video of jon stewart
he's got posted there.

seriously, go watch it.
it's pretty damn patriotic.
i'd post it here, but i think
that's bad blog etiquette
and i have enough bad karma as it is.

it's video of jon stewart's first
show back on the air after
the september 11th attacks
and it's about the only thing
i've heard jon stewart say
with which i've agreed.

so there.
happy fucking 4th.


THIS lafd campaign is EXACTLY the reason why i HATED living in LA.

they have a fucking million dollar campaign running to BEG those fuckers to pull over to the right when an ambulance/firetruck shows up in their rear view mirror.

jesus god, what fucking country to they live in???

only in LA do people NOT instinctively pull over when they see flashing lights behind them. my theory? only one of three possible explainations:

1 -- the people in the car are TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT TO PULL OVER.

2 -- they don't speak ENGLISH or any semblance thereof and couldn't read the FUCKING DRIVER's HANDBOOK where it specifically tells you what to do when OHMYGOD there are flashing lights and sirens behind you.

3 -- they are too fucking STOOPID to know what's going on.

file under thank the good lord i don't live there anymore. thank god, by the way, as i was having a rare, maybeimisscalifornia moment.