kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

the no-sit blog

yay i'm home
and i'm mostly in bed
thanks for all the good thoughts
that i'm sure
brought me safely through.

to my friend tater:
the colonoscopy was a cinch!
be not afraid.

and the surgery was amazingly
easy as well.
and it looks like i'm not
going to have to take
narcotics after all.

(good thing i obsessivly worried)

more blog when i can sit!
thanks again.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

i'm not sure i timed this well

so i began the cleansing
today at 2:00pm
at work
and i believe it's quite possible
even probable
that i could shit myself
on my way home from work...

am i being dramatic?

last night
i plucked my eyebrows
i don't trust
the mortician
to do it properly...

liquid diet

ok so tommorow's the big day
the boy just sent me an IM
about a cheap digital camera memory card

i had been talking about getting a bigger one

he said i had to check to
see if it was compatable
with my camera

i told him it wasn't a priority
"ok" he says

then i apologized for being "short"
with him

he said
and signed off.

seems we're all a bit stressed around here....

Monday, March 27, 2006

"The apartment was decorated with streamers and balloons. I was playing around, attaching some of the helium balloons to people who didn’t know it. Bob kept getting annoyed, brushing his balloon away, he didn’t know it was tied to him. After the dinner two cakes were brought out and somehow the whole table collapsed and both cakes went on the floor."

i'm fucking addicted to this shit.

the new varla mag
has nashville pussy
the bellrays
and roger miret

how do they know what i like?

today is post like raymi day

so friday i worked both jobs
like usual and made $60 at
the restaurant even tho i stayed
til midnite
and was all
like wtf? why do i work here is it
worth my time? blah blah
then saturday i went
to a meeting
and was talking to this
chick afterwards and
i blabbed about my surgery
even though she wasn't
asking anything about
me and then i burst into
tears bwah hah hah styles

and i think it freaked her
out so she told me to
call my sponsor and
i did and i sobbed out
loud on the phone about
how scared i was and then
had to hang up and
get ready for work again
and then drew was mad
at me about the motorcycle
story because he thinks i lied
to him about it
and i was all like
i'm scared about my surgery
wah wah boo hoo and
he was all like but what about
the motorcycle and
i said i don't care about
the damn motorcycle story i
didn't lie to you
and i cried some more
and then i went
to work and made $441.00

Friday, March 24, 2006

so this is love

this site rocks
in a way that most
only ever dream of...

and this post
(in the words of raymi)
breaks my mother fucking heart.

my ass used to be all over this

in keeping with the ass motif...

i have some sad thing to do.

i must sell my ass's favorite toy.

perhaps i should post a picture

to clear things up a bit.

this was my birthday present in 2000.
it was a very good year


for me and the exoldman.

forget that i lost everything
not long after

forget that i lost myself
not long after

these days were the best days.
we lived in laurel canyon
high above hollywood boulevard
in a house below
melanie griffith's sister.
we had three motorcycles
and no car.
the exoldman kept totaling the cars
so we decided to stick to motorbikes.

a fast one for me (see above)

a super fast one for him

and a grocery getter

when i went back years later
to try to recapture
some of that time.
i left this, my fast bike
on the east coast.

i bought the grocery getter
back from the guy we sold it to
(actually we traded it for a bass amp
.. a killer bass amp
that was "stolen" later)

i bought the damn thing back
and rode it around LA
in the wind and the rain

but it wasn't the same.

it will never be the same.

so now i'm putting it up for sale

it is time.

things will never be the same.

*** update *** my currentoldman would like you to know that by "birthday present" i mean that it was my birthday present to me seeing as how i was making the money that bought the present.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

oh no somebody stole fafinette's sketchbook.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

one more week

at least i got my period yesterday
so i won't have to deal with that on the
operating table.

so when the doctor said
"this happens a lot in you people."
i meant to ask "what people?"
drug addicts?
coffee drinkers?

i mean he has so much information on me
which could it be?

and while i'm at it
i'll say that as an
i worry for two extra reasons:

1. what if the drugs don't work on me because i've built up some super tolerance as a result of being a garbage head all those years?

2. i'm going to try to not take narcotics afterwards but if i have lots of pain i'll have to and then what if i find myself taking them recreationally instead of for the pain how will i know when i cross the line and jeez i don't want to lose everything again i've been doing so well here lately.

ok there i said it out loud.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

we watched hustle and flow the other night

and i fucking loved it!
it was a little embarrasing at times
(you know embarrassing like when you were
watching that old tv show 'puttin' on the hits'
or the mtv lip synch shows or whatever and you feel
like you wanna cover your eyes 'cuz you're
embarrassed for the contestants but
no you have to watchit embarrassing)
but i really liked the film.
way more than crap crash.

so i found this on the internet today
You know it's hard out here for a manager of prostitutes
(You don't know how it is)
When he's trying to get money for the rent
(You don't know how it is)
For the expensive Cadillac cars he drives and money spent for gas
(You don't know how it is)

ok i'm lying... drew found it for me
because we had a discussion about crunk.

here's another pretty good one.

bama is one of the girl puppies...

Hey Kali-

Sorry I didn't get back to you. My parents came to town and we did all the touristy things....with Bama of course. My mom thinks she is her grandchild! We took her to Canton, Fells, the Inner Harbor, lacrosse games, pet stores...needless to say she crawled into her own crate last night and passed out while we were all sitting aroung eating dinner! She is behaving great and I promise to set up a play date soon...big puppy training class tonight. Hope all is well with you and the dogs. I can't thank you enough for this wonderful blessing you've addded to my life..seriously! -- Karen

damn that spell check...

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%

Punctuation: 60%

Vocabulary: 60%

Spelling: 20%

Monday, March 20, 2006


this is NOt funny...

is it?

nine more

is it weird that i haven't told my closest friends about this surgery but that i'll blab it all over the blogosphere?

i just don't want to be all like
"look at me i'm having ass surgery"

...oh, wait, ya that IS what i'm doing here...
well, maybe i'm getting it out of my system.
i'll be laid up for a couple of days,
do you think i can get away with it?

when pigs...

Friday, March 17, 2006

twelve days of assposts

i'm scurred. can i say that?
i've never had surgery before.

so here's the deal:
i have a colonoscopy scheduled at 11:00
i have to be there at 10:00
after flushing myself out
the day before
and eating and drinking nothing no not even water after midnight
for this wonderful proceedure
i am told i will be in "twilight"
following that proceedure
i will stumble to the main lobby of the
find a set of elevators
get to the fourth floor
drinking or eating NOTHING on the way
sign in at the desk and have
the real surgery done
at 2:30
under general anesthesia

yay i can't wait what fun i'm so excited!!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

ok ya one more why not?

i stole this from daibh's
parasite (which i didn't get until just
this minute hahahahahahahah get it?
para"site"? like website? heh)

THIS is my new favorite toy.

also i really dig this watch...

okay TWO a day

praisehailsatan: dude. your ass is broken

brokebuttmountain: i know dude

praisehailsatan: wtf

brokebuttmountain: trust me

brokebuttmountain: i know

praisehailsatan: maybe you shouild quit with the sticking basketballs pu there.

praisehailsatan: up

brokebuttmountain: maybe i should stick basketballs up you ass

brokebuttmountain: your

praisehailsatan: maybe I should be so lucky

brokebuttmountain: heh

brokebuttmountain: it is well known that i do not move my bowels enough

brokebuttmountain: widely known

brokebuttmountain: all over the country

praisehailsatan: actually I had no idea. but now I know.

brokebuttmountain: oh well ya

brokebuttmountain: so now i have complications

brokebuttmountain: asshole surgery

praisehailsatan: jeez

brokebuttmountain: ya i can't wait

praisehailsatan: well it will fix things. right

praisehailsatan: with any luck

brokebuttmountain: doc say i won't lose much muscle so i should still have control

brokebuttmountain: very fucking comforting

praisehailsatan: SOME control

brokebuttmountain: i am 857,374,000,487,340 years old

praisehailsatan: we'll you're doing pretty good for being that old

brokebuttmountain: no he thinks i'll be fine apparently it is very routine

brokebuttmountain: for an 857,374,000,487,340 year old woman

praisehailsatan: heh

praisehailsatan: well its good that you;re taking care of your ass.

praisehailsatan: something you want want to lose

brokebuttmountain: true dat

praisehailsatan: you'll be sorry when its gone, sort of thing

brokebuttmountain: ya you never notice how much you use it kind of thing

ass posting

so the story is that
the recovery time
is "anywhere from one to two weeks"

my surgery is on a wednesday
and i want to be back at work on monday.
5 days.
that seems fair enough.

needless to say i'm scared shitless
(no pun intended)

if you haven't guessed
i'm having surgery on my

(i promise to limit the ass posts
to one a day.)

Lombardo's back but the closest they come is New Jersey.

thanks to flanagan aka "the lurker."

its official, i'm 86 kazillion years old...

i just caught myself not only watching
the 'she's the man' trailer
but i was also laughing.

i will not link i will not link
i will not link i will not link

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

WTF am i like 82 years old or something?

alright so not only am i having a colonoscopy
on march the 29th
but i went to the other doctor
on monday
and he says i need another surgery.
the other doctor said i would need
two proceedures. that's no big surprize.

so the second doctor tells me about
the second "proceedure"
which will be done under general anesthesia.

he says "i'll be there the day of the colonoscopy
why don't we try to schedule both in one day?"

get it over with in one day.

then he leaves the office to go to the hospital
and i go out to schedule the "proceedure" with ruth.

so i tell her what he says about the scheduling
and she says
"do you think that's smart both in one day?
you can't eat or drink anything for either
so that would be a whole day without even water..."

i kindly (maybe not so) tell her that i'm not the doctor and i've never even ever had surgery and the only reason i suggested it is because the fucking doctor told me to try and schedule them both on the same day.

my god is this boring you?

see i have to do this "prep kit" thingy the day before the colonoscopy. it effectively flushes me out. lots of fluid no eating some clear liquid but nothing after midnight.

so ruth tentatively schedules it for another day and says she'll call me the next day after she talks to the doctor to see if i should do both in one day. of course she doesn't call the next day she calls the following morning which was this morning.

she says that yes, the doctor thinks it would be okay for me to do both proceedures in one day. (which, if you're keeping score, is what i told her TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO.)


we hang up and then i think of a couple questions i forgot to ask so i call back and get a machine and leave a message saying please call me ruth i forgot i have a couple of questions like when and where is my pre-op and how soon can i go back to work and how come i have to ask these questions it seems like something i should know having sat with the doctor for 30 minutes and ruth for another 30 after waiting for an hour in the lobby?????

does she call me back? nope. so i call her back but she's home she got sick and the lady asks what i need and i ask when is my pre-op and she says "oh don't worry ruth will call you when she has that set up" oh ok, ruth's on it i feel so much better.

oh ya, by the way, i say... the colonoscopy guy said i could go back to work the next day after the colonoscopy, how about after this "proceedure"? can i go back to work the next day?

then she laughed
and called me "sweetie"

these are not good signs...

my office is close to the harbor

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

wouldn't you say?

Monday, March 13, 2006


do you have an opinion?

i swear that i dont have a gun

if i seem negative today its only because i'm tired

save francis

thanks, spencer

still a cunty cunt fucking whore bag bitch cum guzzling gutter slut

in case you were wondering

how kali has fucked her life up thus far

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

Friday, March 10, 2006

how hot are these?

thanks to etienne for the find.

i will no longer waste anymore time listening to the

"you can understand why they hate us because we live to excess"
i hate america argument

how do you know where i'm at if you haven't been where i've been understand where i'm coming from?

thanks to daibh for reminding me of the genius that is
nicholas gurewitch

Thursday, March 09, 2006

yes i'm THAT girl who posts cute little doggy sayings on her blog... fuck you.

dogs are better than kids because:

---- they don't ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

so all the puppies are gone now.

my house is quiet
and it smells good
i got a full night of sleep
last nite.

it sucks.

even drew said he misses them.

i think i'm dumb

so i bought kurt cobains journals in hard back for for 5.99 at the discount bookstore and i have been reading it (well okay, i read it last night and one other night) and

i’ve always (ok not always, i am a latecomer to the nirvana fan club, i think i thought they were too trendy at first because they were on mtv and everybody seemed to like them) really identified with kurt.

i know a ton of people feel the same way and even more feel that way about janis or morrison or d. boon or any other of that number of dead at 27 rockstars…

who knows why.

i have this theory that we idolize the dead simply because they can’t fuck up anymore. i mean they can’t be child molesting sellouts old fat and drunk because they’re dead.

also they died pretty. well, at least prettier than they would be if they kept on the way they were going…

(elvis was NOT good looking when he died… he lasted too long but still after he was dead we forgave him for all the bullshit because he was dead)

they ALWAYS say nice things about you at your funeral.

yearbooks and funerals.

so anyway, as i’m reading kurts journals i start seeing some stuff that I’ve written about in my journals and stuff i’ve thought about and stuff i thought were my ideas. i have these journals that i’ve kept on and off and mostly prolific during huge coke or meth binges but really very similar stuff there.


i think kurts lyrics are fucking genius.


he has this way of talking about stuff that you think you know what he’s saying but he could really be saying something totally different but it doesn’t matter cuz you know what it means to you. i think he did it on purpose and i think he has a gift and its not just a story-telling gift like some lyricists but a deeper gift like using words that have three meanings all appropriate in some sense so deep.


so here’s the rub…

do i think that i think he’s a genius because he thinks what i think?

am i smarter than i give myself credit for?

or is kurdt less of a genius than i give him credit for…

why am i
when i think
that i’m diferent from everybody else
when i realize
that i’m the same?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

"What you didn't see: Terrence Howard of Crash and Hustle & Flow, rounding the corner to prepare for his presentation and, yes, crashing into Freeman, who's waiting in the wings. The two men stop, shake hands for several seconds, then briefly linger eye-to-eye before moving on. Neither says a word."

what is yahoo trying to say?

thanks, sweetney.

today i have really bad stomach pains

i know it sounds sissy
but fuck they hurt so bad...

i understand why kurt
used heroine

oh ya -- that and this...

you know who's fucking hot?

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com


Monday, March 06, 2006

funny japanese... it's a mile from the real beach.

Friday, March 03, 2006

me says
: what is the program called?

him says: saturday morning math tutoring program

me says: get there at 9:30 9:45
jeanette greggs

Him says: thank you honey...sorry to do that to you..

me says: no biggie
5th floor office

Him says: ok..
jeanette greggs
5th floor
got it..

me says: ya he says there’s a teachers office on the 5th floor
everybody should be milling around there
class starts at 10:00
ok that's it
that guy was nice

Him says: oh geez..

me says: yup honey it's saturday school
i guess they'll put you
with kids who're having math troubles
they will fall in love with you

Him says: they will beat me up..
they will bring guns and knives..

me says: honey its the school for the arts
they're pussies
art kids
you know -- musical theatre?

Him says: heh..yeah..and gangsta rap

me says: hahahahhahaha

Him says: that's where tupac went honey

me says: i ain't mad acha

Him says: you think I'm joking?

me says: i think you'll be okay honey, you did fine in jail

Photo Hosted at Buzznet.com

fuck van halen this is the real eddie

STOP... breakfasttime.....

MC Hammer has a blog

Thursday, March 02, 2006

a colonoscopy? but i'm only 33 years old...

...pictures forthcoming...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

amazing phucking fotos from mexico city

instant better body image

check this out

click on portfolio
then before/after

(street cred to aptbroadcast)