kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

hey i'm a guest contributor over at FTTW

when turtle suggested the name scream like a banshee he nailed the fucker. let's just say that i have always been known for my, uh, vocal acrobatics in bed. if you've lived with me, you know this. and if you've slept with me, you've certainly not forgotten.

...read it fuckers

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

holy shit i never review movies

fuck ok maybe one time i told you a movie was good or whatever but this time i'm fucking telling you that i LOVED this movie!!

on the reccomendation of one very sweaty hermit i went last night to see
little miss sunshine and holy fuck it is such a fun movie!

fuck me i hate high expectations so i would be mad at me if i were you but i swear i had some expectations myself (i mean, fuck, look at that cast!) but it did not disappoint.

i laughed out loud for SO lONG holy shit did i laugh thank god i was not with someone who embarrasses easily because i have a really annoying loud laugh even in the movies like i cover my mouth and scream-laugh and hit things and move around and oh my god this movie so fucking cute.

and of course i cried. whatever.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

chicken and steak and crabs oh my

i had a great birthday weekend by the way.
thanks for all your wishes!

especially turtle and michele who did quite the little
ode to aging.

we ate crabs on my birthday which was awesome
and steak and potatoes the night before
and during the day before the steak and potatoes
we got fried chicken from tammy and johnny's

we couldn't help but eat the fries
and hush puppies in the car on the way

to my mom and dad's new house
that they are building ovar thar on the show-er

it's coming along very nicely, yes?
but we were there to enjoy the beach so we walked on down

and made ourselves comfy on the beach
and ate our bucket o'chicken

while the dogs played on the beach

well, AND begged for chicken

dern they're cute

Monday, August 28, 2006

whutz she doin ovar thar?

sheez taykun pitchurs.



wize shee doin thayut?

ah dun no.

muzt naht be frum round hayer.

Friday, August 25, 2006

pretty generally i am no huge hank fan

i mean let's just not get into the whole
real black flag conversation, ok?

and i dunno, rollins band just never did it for me.
i will, however, tell you that he falls very far
ahead of any of the limp dick chili fuckers.

just so you know where i stand.

his spoken word shit rocks, tho. and he totally called
9-11 years before it happened.
he said they would attack us on our turf.

in fact, the morning of 9-11 i awoke to
the yelling of my then-boyfriend

"henry was right! henry fucking called it you mutherfuckers!"

and one time in LA i went to get tickets to his spoken word show
at this place called LUNA or some shit.
i got in there and the tickets were too fucking expensive and it
looked like a tea room so i fucking left
muttering about how i used to see him in

so i'm riding home and he's on the radio doing an interview
i pull over at a pay phone.
i'd just gotten to LA and i was still in the stage where i swore i was
buying a cell phone (ahahahahaha)

anywho i call in and get through to to "producer"
who says "where are you calling from?" i say "a pay phone on la cienega"
she says "oh my god that's perfect" and she patches me right through

i proceed to give hank two racks of shit for playing at a tea house for too much money call him a sell out.

hey, it was kinda funny.

i fully digressed though cuz the real reason for this post is a radio show he did for the misfits "record" 12 hits from hell.

(it's a long sordid tail but fucking totally worth reading about)

tecso posted the WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM dude! and it fucking rocks.

then i see a link in the comments from chrisuede.

to this radio show.

dude it's the best shit ever. rollins plays the old tracks back to back with the new tracks and it FUCKING ROCKS THE FUCKING BELLS. seriously.

rollins barely talks. he says he'd rather just play the songs...

and he fucking delivers, dude.

my birthday is on sunday. and this is just about the best birthday present i've ever gotten. i shit you not.

michele and turtle are fucking each other's brains out

so they let the minions post over at
even me.

and YES I MEANT HEROIN!!! wtf is herion?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

i love you tube

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

are you there interweb? it's me, kali.

ok so i have this situation. and i need some advice.

there are these women in my life and i don't want or need them there.

i have some really great relationships in my life. people who care about me and i care about them. we enjoy each other's company and respect each other's privacy.

these are not those kind of women.

the relationships i enjoy are ones in which there is very little gossip. some admitted judgement of others but also a sincere desire to help each other move away from judgement, as it has done none of us any good.

i'm done with the gossip. i have been an active participant in gossip for far too long. and in my circles, as dramatic as it may sound, gossip does have the power to actually kill people. not theoretically but truly.

i tell you this so that you might understand the gravity of this undertaking.

i need to be kind, honest AND prompt. i need to love these women but yet have no ongoing relationship with them. is that possible?

i have a feeling outlaw might have some great insight into this stuff as she's the tops when it comes to interpersonal relations. being a counselor and all. though i'm not sure that she visits anymore.

so how do i tell these women (perhaps to their faces) that i don't want to pursue any further friendship with them? that, although we have a history, and although i do love them, i choose not to be in contact with them anymore?

have you had any experience with this, innernets? has it come out poorly or did you get through it with grace?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

don't tell mom the puppysitter's blonde

so i had one of the puppies at the house this weekend.
her mom goes away sometimes and so we get to puppysit.
the last time her mom went away, she brought back this cute little
picture frame with three little doggie faces carved in it.

"perfect for a picture of all three of them," she says.

ha. easier said than done.

also you should know that the frame is situated such that the picture
is vertical. and trying to get any picture of these
three fuckers is a feat.
much less a vertical one.


Monday, August 21, 2006

wasn't that an andy kaufman song?

hi blog.
yes i had a nice weekend, thank you. yes it's nice to have free time on my hands. yes and also infuriating. well, because i can't sit still. i have to always be doing something. so when i'm doing nothing i make phonecalls like crazy to try and set up plans and i offer the plans on people's voicemails when they don't answer.

but see, the problem is, blog, that i do that to like 5 different people and then they all (ok well not ALL i'm not that persuasive and/or popular) call back to say "sure let's go!" meaning let's go do whatever it is that i've suggested that we do.

then once i've committed myself to everything i realize i can't do it all then i have to blow someone off and that is never good or fun. hopefully they understand that i'm just not very good yet at having any amount of free time.

what's that picture up there, you ask? good question blog!

that's the airport in the city of abu dhabi in the united arab emirates. on saturday the boy's boss asked him how he'd feel about going over there to work for 6 months. he'd have to miss at least a semester of school but the pay is very good. good enough that he'd be able to fly me over to visit sometimes.

is that scary? for any number of reasons?

um i can say this though... statistics say there is NOT ONE person living with HIV-AIDS in the ENTIRE emirate... uh. i don't know what that means.

Friday, August 18, 2006

ahahahah how appropriate!! RAWR!

You are Hulk

You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

more like "once you flip out there's no turning back and then you have to leave town because you've embarrased yourself so much" !!! ahahahahaha

again with the filching from binsk

Thursday, August 17, 2006

muthafucking snakes on a muthafucking plane

also you really must send everyone you know
a voicemail message from the bad muthafucka himself...

thanks to jill and kimblagh from the rockstar mommy comments

uh ya, you might wanna keep some stuff to yourself

man i crack myself up.

i was just reading on krucoff's blog about this dude getting a gun permit or some shit. (rapt, i was rapt) so i clicked that link began to read about how prospective employers have been googling their interviewees.

ahHA! i think how smart i am to not have my name linked to my blog.

so then, of course, i google myself to see what comes up.

turns out there's this really smart chick doctor or biomed genius slash business owner that has the same name as me. which is weird if you know my real name. not so much if you don't.

also there's this quote that i wrote and sent into sassy magazine when i was in high school that people have listed on their "favorite quotes" pages of old.

and i think "hey i'm gonna write about that on my blog... the famous chicky and the quote... i'll link to both it'll be great..."

uh ya, does anyone else see the idiocy there? heh.

p.s. it's a great fucking quote. i rule. you should look it up if you know my real name. but DON'T EVEN TRY TO POST IT ON HERE, because, well... i think you can figure out the rest.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

ok you people are freaking me right the fuck out

i've heard of this happening...

yesterday it comes to light that one of my cousins is reading my blog. (albeit the cool one -- yes i'm just saying that cuz i know he's reading -- see how i'm catering already???)

then today my sister sends me an email saying that i should never feel pressured into asking her to be in my wedding!!!

SNAKES ON A PLANE she's reading TOO???

(figures the first comment from her would be the only time in my life that i've ever mentioned a wedding)

holy geez i have to rethink everything.

so then my grandmother just calls me (at WORK!?!?!) to say good luck at grad school.

jesus let's just hope she heard that from my parents. ya, in fact, i'm pretty sure she did seeing as how she'd have a FUCKING HEART ATTACK AND DIE if she ever read my blog.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

50 things thanks, shawna

1. My roommate and I once: woke every day at 1pm to dance to the theme of the barney miller show. dum. da da dum. da da dum. da da da da da da da da da da dum.
2. Never in my life have I: seen a shooting star. meteor shower yes, shooting star, no.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile is: my ex. the real ex. pictured in the last post.
4. High school was: fucking torture.
5. When I'm nervous: i twirl my hair. i do it when i'm tired too. also when i'm on drugs.
6. The last time I cried was: sunday night.
7. If I were to get married right now, my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: stacey sarah amber wow i never thought of this before. ever. weird. do you think i should ask my sister? i was her maid of honor in her first wedding and she didn't have attendants at her second but she lives in canada. this is a stupid question it's giving me angina.
8. Would you rather run naked through a crowded place or have someone e-mail your deepest secret to all your friends? email friends just not family, ok?
9. My hair: a poodle.
10. When I was 5: i moved into a log cabin.
11. Last Christmas: i was in toronto
12. When I turn my head left: i see pics of my dee-oh-gees. and one of me and my boyfriend.
13. I should be: working
14. When I look down I see: my $3.00 shoes that i wear/love more that my $180.00 pair. lesson learned.
15. The craziest recent event was: me getting accepted to grad school
16. If I were a character on "Friends" I'd be: friends had characters?
17. By this time next year: i'll be stressing out about the big three five.
18. My favorite aunt is: aunt donna (and NOT just cuz you're reading, BRUCE...)
19. I have a hard time understanding: indians. dot indians, not woo woo indians.
20. One time at a family gathering: my dad threw my mom's creamed onions on the floor because they weren't the right "consistancy." he's kind of a perfectionist.
21. You know I like you if: i talk to you.
22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd thank: my mom. (oh my god i just started tearing up. i guess you can change that cry answer up there...)
23. Take my advice: never date a stripper.
24. My ideal breakfast is: mom's sausage biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and COFFEE.
25. If you visit my home town: you can stay with me.
26. Sometime soon I plan to visit: the poorhouse
27. If you spend the night at my house: you will be visited by at least one dog in the night, also there will be COFFEE in the morning.
28. I'd stop my wedding if: a cuter boy walked in. ahahahaha just kidding, hon.
29. The world could do without: jimmy buffet
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat/smell/touch mustard.
31. The most recent thing I've bought myself is: a $400 pair of glasses dammit they're like designer and shit but i can't remember which one...
32. The most recent thing someone else bought for me is: the boy has bought me all kinds of shit recently flowers, tshirts, a bracelet. my mom is the most recent though with my early b-day present of a bracelet.
33. My favorite blonde is: bo
34. My favorite brunette is: luke
35. My car must have a sign on it that reads: honk and whistle only when unshowered and in pajamas
36. The last time I was drunk: july 6, 1996. tho honestly the drunk started on july 4th.
37. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds: my two mini doxies
38. I shouldn't have been: on homecoming court
39. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair? uh, yeah, duh.
40. Last night I: made eggplant parmasean
41. There's this girl I know who: was a boy
42: I don't know: johnny depp
43. A better name for me would be: toni
44. If I ever go back to school I'll: holy SHIT it starts september 5th ohmyfuckinggod
45. How many days until my birthday?: 12
46. One dead celebrity I wish I'd met is: kurt. shuddup.
47. I've lived at my current address since: august of last year
48. I've been told I look like: helen hunt, tina fey
49. If I could have any car, it would be: dodge magnum. it has a HEMI.
50. If I got a new cat tomorrow, I would name it: dead by 5 (the dog would be named killer)

one time i lived in helLA

and there was a launch party at
the mondrian complete with helicopters
and polaroid cameras.
it wasn't the first time i'd been kicked out
of a nice hotel.

but i think i was definitely the best dressed i'd ever been whilst getting kicked out of said hotel.

and there were great company parties at mexican restaurants.
i can't remember if it was this one or this one, or neither.
but it was fun.

ya and now because this has become a completely self obsessed blog,
here is a picture of me when i was younger
and pretty and fucking smiley.

ok now i think i will go buy a nosering.
afterall, the only reason i took it out
was for that shitty restaurant gig.
that gave me shopping money...
now i will go cry...

Monday, August 14, 2006

flirting with a gay dude

this weekend i quit/got fired from my waitress gig. i was like "dude i'm gonna walk out right now, this place is driving me nuts." mgr was like "i said i'd do your checkout later, but if you want to go, there's the door... in fact why don't you go."

it's probably for the better because i'm going back to school on the fifth and i was starting to believe that i could work both jobs, go to school, and stay sober. mostly in my head it was all about the scheduling.

like, well the one class is all day saturday and the other is monday night so i could still work all week and then go to job 2 friday night and saturday night. heh.

forget about how i was going to take care of my dogs.

so yeah, it's better this way. i also think that i probably wouldn't've walked out if i didn't know in my heart of hearts that it was time. everytime i try to put in my two weeks there, they talk me into staying.

not this time. heh.

then on sunday i had a super secret awesome trip planned for me and the boy! in the morning we went to the national building museum in washington dc. see he's a civil engineer with his heart in architecture and building. so... anywho that part was really cool.

then we go on a seg tour! how cool! seg tour.

it's just us and one gay couple. very cute little dc gay couple. the tour guide was kinda nervous and geeky but we really had fun. well... i mean i had fun.

halfway through the tour the boy starts being a little weird. like, distant. i keep saying "is anything wrong?" he says no that he's a little bored with the tour. he's bored with the segs.

he already upgraded his seg to expert mode and is done. he's bored with it.

on the ride home he pushes eject on my current favorite cd. just happens to be during my favorite part. the blank between a good song and an even better one. i get a little pissy. no prob.

it's all downhill from there though. and it ends up coming out that we didn't really spend anytime together that day because i spent too much time "trying to be entertaining" and did not pay nearly enough attention to him.

i do that.

Friday, August 11, 2006

why thank you, mr. bresny...

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Of all the times in your life when you have been in captivity, this has to be one of the least arduous and frustrating ever. I'll go so far as to say that I have rarely seen a more beautiful prisoner than you; for a drudge in bondage, you're ravishing. As hard as it may be to contemplate, however, it's almost time to escape. Your dark though sexy night of the soul will soon come to an end. Don't you dare linger any longer than you have to.

holy mania hang on....

oh holy wow it's such a beautiful day here in baltimore!!
70 degrees outside this morning with a beautiful breeze
only a high of 81. sunny and CLEAR.

CLEAR, turtle, did you hear that? i'm not sure if you know what that means, being from california and all but
all clear and sunny and wonderful no i did not start taking medication this is the upswing so grab hold these are the best and most productive days!

i've planned a great trip on sunday for me and the boy. i can't tell you about it yet because sometimes he still reads my blog even though usually it upsets him. but it's AWESOME!! and no it's not six flags fucker.. it's way less exciting than that...

so it's supposed to be nice all weekend jesus can i stop talking about the weather already????

oh yeah, DAIBH!! i got approved to register for classes last night!!! meaning it' snot official official yet but it looks like i've gotten accepted to the program!! (heh i said snot)

so when i said i would take it easy and maybe start with one class i meant THREE. yikes three classes. it's okay it's only ever 2 running concurrently and on of those 2 only meets 4 times throughout the semester. holy MBA batman can youfuckingbelieve that???

ok i better settle down i've got a 19 hour workday to get through :)