kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, December 31, 2004

wow i say fuck a lot

everybody's whining about new years... who fucking cares.

mostly it's just another day off work, which is good enough in itself.

what if i just stayed home.?.?.?. GASP!!!


remember Y2K???

that was my first new years in LA. what a downer. nothing happened.

i had great sex that night. that was good.

it's always about the sex with me isn't it?


my first thought about every guy i see is literally: would i fuck him?

and i usually decide right then and there and don't change my mind ever.

mostly because i don't drink anymore. heh.

so if i know you and you're a guy... or i even know of you... then i've already decided whether or not i'd sleep with you.

AND... if we've met and we haven't fucked yet... you probably know what my decision was. in some cases not though.

if i really like you i won't sleep with you on the first date. heh.

that's so fucked.

happy fucking new year.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

obligatory "my nephew is the cutest ever" photos

obviously taken during the one month long canadian summer.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

frankenpussy and a sore ass

"whadja get for christmas?" - auntie me

"a snowboard" -- 12 year old nephew

"cool... we should go snowboarding"

"have you ever been?"

"nah, but it can't be that hard..."

"okay, we'll go when you get here."


i pay a price to be the cool aunt.

sometimes it's a tongue lashing from my sister for taking her eight-year-old to the tattoo parlor with me to get a tattoo. (me, silly, not him...)

and sometimes it's the sorest butt this side of the canadian border.

did i really say "it can't be that hard..."???

i lied.

and the ground is harder.

it took me two hours to go on two runs... probably because i was too cool for the bunny slopes (or a fucking lesson....)

my ass hurt so badly yesterday i could barely sit down.

after the second run we went into the chalet to eat a thing called poutine (said poo-teen.)

it's fries and cheese curds with gravy and it's awesome.

but not even that could make me want to go back up on that mountain. the last fall i took i almost cried.

i hit the deck so many times and i just could not conceive of my body taking any more of that.

so for the 31st time that day... i quit. and this time i meant it.

so today my whole body hurts. just like they say... i got hurts in places i didn't even know had places...

but in the same way that my dad can't stop giggling when he says the word "poutine"... i can't control the urge to do it again.

i can't believe it, but i want to go snowboarding again... i'm fucking crazy... it hurts so badly. i just want to master it. i can't help it.

now my dad won't stop saying poutine like "pootang"... as in: "shut up and eat your pootang heather..."

yes, he's very funny.

i'm blessed to get to see them all this holiday season.

even though it's fucking -8 here. my sister is fucking crazy.

Monday, December 27, 2004

why he's still the boss

"do you know something that i realized over the past few years?" -- me

"what's that?" -- the boss

"it's shit you told me before, but i never admitted."


"yeah... i'm a brat. and a know-it-all"

"oh yeah?"

"yeah, but i've been working on the know-it-all thing, and i think it's getting better."

"oh, you figured that one out, didja?"

"yeah... but i'm still a brat."

ho ho ho

on christmas night i hid in my ex's bedroom waiting for his roommate to go to sleep.

so that i could give him a blowjob.

hey, it's really not as glamorous as it sounds.

see now i'm the "ex."

and he lives with a girl. a girl that's really into him from what it sounded like when i heard her being all cute with him on his cellular phone. (while i was giving him said blowjob.)

is that bad?

so yeah i had to sneak into his house while his roommate was out trying to score pot. his roommate is apparently a friend of his new girlfriend's.

is this confusing?

i had to stay quiet as a mouse.

so i hid in his room until the roommate was distracted enough so that the boss could slip out and into the bedroom with me to get a blowjob.

it would have been more than a BJ. really it would've... but i've got the frankenpussy to deal with.

hey at least i got to see my dog. he's awesome... i'm sure his new mommy thinks so too.

so why was i doing this? stealing minutes with an ex while his current was visiting her fam? who fucking knows. i'm pathetic i guess.

i'm just a sucker 'cuz he says i give the best blow jobs ever.

why am i still in love? why does he have my van, my motorcycle, another motorcycle that i'm paying off on a credit card, my dog and my heart?

i wonder this a lot. but seeing him made me realize why i feel like i owe him.

cuz i fucking stole everything i have from him. my opinions, my jokes, my mannerisms, my style, my music, fuck i even stole "kalipornia" from him. yup, it was his.

i stole it all and claim it as my own every day. so, naturally i feel like i owe him. christ i do owe him. he made me into the woman i am today.

he made me take a motorcycle driving class 5 years ago. now a motorcycle is all i have. when i wanted to learn how to stop on hills without dropping the fucking thing, he took me to san francisco. that'll teach ya. he made me figure shit out myself.

and now he lives with someone else. another girl. (who, by the way, is very nice.) he's been living with her for years.

i should probably get over him soon.

or i could just keep hiding in his bedroom like a teenager... waiting to give him a blowjob.


Friday, December 24, 2004

santa claus is a fat bitch


getting into the holiday spirit by listening to some christmas tunes by ICP.

i love to be offended by these guys.

almost got into a fight with a signwalker yesterday (sorry, anti, but he almost put my eye out.)

(also, fuck you too. i'm having a great time.)

so, xTx gave me an idea.

now that i have frankenpussy, i've been reflecting on all the words we have for the cooch.

(not to be confused with the character from vision quest. )

she says "nay nay." now that's funny.


help me out here.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

coochie blog

hi. i'm back. sorta.

so i had to have emergency surgery on the putang. very nice, i know.

back at work for a few minutes to fix everything that got fucked up while i haven't been here.

no riding the motorcycle for 2 weeks.

i forgot how much i love the bus.

"next stop, crackhead city." -- zany bus driver.

i love the bus.

i thought i was going to die at some point in this whole escapade. (yes, i'm very dramatic.)

but i thought if i had to go... at least my last show would've been SLAYER!!!


i'll post more later. just sayin' i'm alive.

just kinda pissed that i'm out of action for the holidaze. damn. that new york dick is so fine.

Monday, December 20, 2004

whiney ass bitch

ok so i tend toward the dramatic when i'm illin'. who doesn't.

i hated everybody this weekend, 'cuz no one would call me. i thought at some point i was going to the hospital, but i couldn't ride my motorcycle there... so no dice.

southie called me on sunday b/c we had plans to get together. i told him i was feeling bad. he offered to take me to a doctor, but i'm a bastard and i said no i thought i was getting better, but was still in pain, and yeah maybe i should, but it's an embarrassing female problem and i don't wanna get you involved and blah blah blah. to which he replied...

"quit being a whiney ass bitch and do something about it..."

so naturally i hung up on him and sat in my misery for a few more hours.

i really should have taken him up on the offer. fuck.

so anyway i have an appointment with the fucking shove-shit-up-my-gooch doctor at 12:45. i can't wait.


very sick...






anyone know a good hospital in LA?

Friday, December 17, 2004

show us yer tits

"if jesus were alive today, i'd slay him"

praise hail satan

slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer
slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer slayer

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

she's come unspun

i got this from anti who got it from simpleton who got it from melissa.

instructions -

1. open up the music player on your computer.

2. set it to play your entire music collection.

3. hit the “shuffle” command.

4. tell us the title of the next ten songs that show up (with their musicians), no matter how embarrassing. that’s right, no skipping that Carpenters tune that will totally destroy your hip credibility. it’s time for total musical honesty. write it up in your blog or journal and link back to at least a couple of the other sites where you saw this.

5. if you get the same artist twice, you may skip the second (or third, or etc.) occurances. you don’t have to, but since randomness could mean you end up with a list of ten song with five artists, you can if you want to.

my list:

1 - "what you need's a friend" - suicidal tendencies
2 - "i can feel it" - DMX
3 - "no values" - black flag
4 - "bummer" - monster magnet
5 - "disposable heroes" - metallica
6 - "(i'm not your) stepping stone - minor threat
7 - "no sugar tonight/new mother nature" - the guess who
8 - "funkin for fun" - parliament
9 - "pot (live)" - guttermouth
10 - "morphing into primal" - in flames

that's pretty good, actually. though i have to check my coolness at the door, because, in all honesty, this is a work computer that i've only loaded my favorite stuff onto.

fuck the christmas formal

for years my grandmother has been sending 12 little gifts each to my immediate family.

she calls them "the days before christmas presents."

we get to open the first one on the twelfth day before christmas and the last on christmas eve.

it's a cool little family tradition. the gifts are small but fun. (a potholder from her church bazaar, little estee lauder gift bags, a pad with my name on it, etc...)

the christmas eve present is always pajamas or a night gown to wear the next morning for gift-opening pictures. (one year i got a care-bear footed sleeper -- at age 14 -- not so cool when you're trying to be so punk rock it hurts -- i'd obviously kill for it today)

but my grandmother's been sick this year. she lives in florida (oddly enough) and what with all the hurricanes and funerals for her friends... well, she called one day to tell me that regrettably...

she wouldn't be sending the "days before christmas presents" this year.

no big deal mommom. it was always an extra added fun part of christmas.



we'll live without them. i love and miss you.

then a little disappointment set in. they were so fun.

and then it just happens that when i get home from work that day, there was a package on my doorstep. it was from my mom. the "days before christmas presents."

she took over for mommom.

fucking amazing.

so if you're doing the math... today i opened the second present.

my mom loves me even though i'm a slacker not-keeper-in-toucher.... and she knows me. she knows me so well it's scary.

yesterday... the 12th day before christmas...

two packs of christmas cards.

she's so fucking awesome. how'd she know i hadn't bought them yet?

and today... the 11th day before christmas???

a roll of stamps.

just when i was wondering how the fuck i was going to pay for stamps for 30 christmas cards...

i have the greatest mom in the world.

Monday, December 13, 2004

yes but it has nothing to do with los angeles

i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
i'm so god damned blessed i should be glowing.

friday night the roommate and i and some dates went to a ho-down. and yes it really was a hoe down. very social. kinda boring. topped off by great conversation, a catfish sandwich, and a
nice kiss.

saturday i saw bad education. god i love that boy. though by now i'm positive that he goes both ways. that's hot.

saturday night we were invaded by very nice aliens. some of them stayed. one of them was an energizer bunny...
"who wants a blow job?"

did you know that the velvet margarita cantina has dimes glued on the walls and floors?
just dimes.

sunday was NFL with the aliens.is it weird that i still create lasting relationships with my bartender even though i don't drink anymore? let's call it habit.
or insurance?

sometime during this last week my great friend sharyn-who-doesn't-blame-me-for-not-keeping-in-touch-as-well-as-i-should emailed to tell me to "stop by" sometime. she said she and her husband would both be home on sunday evening.

i almost didn't.

when i got there (around six... is that evening?) she had the table set up for three and asked me if i was hungry. of course, when am i not?

the greatest thing is that she wouldn't have been mad if i didn't come.

but i did.

and she gave me the big news. they're pregnant. no one's done it better. dated for 3 or 4 years lived together for 2 or 3 married for 1 or 2 and now pregnant.
that's fucking insane.
and completely fucking awesome.

just after dinner
a new boy came a-text-messaging.
a really cute boy.
who i've been meaning to get around to.

"what r u doin"

"hi. dinner. almost done. you?

"meeting...what are u doing later"


"yes you are... i'll call u after da meeting."


"are u gonna b ready...you are'nt gonna hurt me are u... should i b sacred?" [sic]

"i wont b ready right away. you'll have 2 talk dirty 2 me. yes b scared."
"nah my roommates home so we cant b too crazy"

"i dont have a roommate..."

"ok then b very scared."

and to top it all off... in the latest news:
i win again!!!
i win i win i win.
i was going to take my good friend mark
to see slayer
but then i ran out of money
and had to tell him i couldn't.
this morning he emailed me...

"you wanna go anyway? I am obsessing a little with Slayer and I want to fucking go and you're coming with me. if you still want to go."

if i still wanna go????

praise hail satan.

Friday, December 10, 2004

crafty little bitch

i found the ring that the dog didn't swallow
apparently she placed it carefully in the outside pocket of my back pack
and then zipped it up.
i cried last night
over some tv sappiness about a chick
who survived a plane crash.
after i went to the xenion meeting.
the xenion who spoke was hard core
i don't know if the kids understood.
it's hard for people who aren't xenions to understand us.
and it's hard to admit you're a xenion.
i mean we look the same as humans.
we're just bodily and mentally different
we have an allergy
the kids don't understand this.
they're too busy trying to pretend they're human.
trying to have a good time.
trying not to notice
that they're dying
from the inside.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

being bad feels pretty good, huh?

played hooky from work yesterday and it felt good.

do you experience elevated scrotal temperatures? heh heh.

remember me of the cell phone brain cancer thing? look how many of us aren't using those anymore.

poor dimebag darrell.
and columbus is such a cool town.
i mean i loved the cowboys from hell too,
was a bit angry when they broke up
but not angry enough to kill one of the best guitar players left
i mean maybe they hit it and then quit it so's they didn't get old and stupid
like the chili's.
didja ever think of that, nathan?

i just found out that johnny eck was born
on the same day as me
61 years earlier
in the same town.

if you haven't seen freaks...
well... you should.

"I met hundreds and thousands of people, and none finer than the midgets and the Siamese twins and the caterpillar man and the bearded woman and the human seal with the little flippers for hands. I never asked them any embarrassing questions and they never asked me, and God, it was a great adventure." -- johnny eck

why doesn't anybody do the black rider anymore?

apparently tony's new blook is selling like "hotcakes."
as well it should.
can't say i've read it but i've seen it.
and now we can see him on tv.

question of the day:
how can anyone spend $80 on half price sushi?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

why no boy will ever live up to my expectations

he has lots of tattoos
he's street smart as hell
he has great instincts about people
he let me go crazy sometimes
he can watch a show on the history channel and remember all of the facts
he never babied me on my motorcycle
he taught me that feminists have to take out the trash
he taught me how to be poor
he had a van
he's shaped like a "v"
he plays guitar
he makes crazy friends
he cooks amazingly well
he trained my dog
he's got great taste in music
he's opinionated as fuck
he eats pussy like a mad man
he's mechanically inclined
he's openminded
he put up with me for five years
he's the hottest boy i've ever known and
he lives with another girl

Monday, December 06, 2004

southie, the camera and kansas

ok, so things are getting complicated.

though i think only in my head. as is usual.

for months, nothing interesting was going on in my love life. i mean sex, sure, but feelings? no way.

and now something's going on. something weird.

southie is an old boyfriend. we decided (i thought) that we were better off just fucking. that way he doesn't get mad when he sees me talking to other boys and i don't freak out on him like a girl.

so we do the booty call thing. i rarely call him. mostly because... well... i just don't need him to think i want more. so he calls about once a week maybe.

but friday night we're together. i make the mistake of telling him that sometimes i miss him when we don't hang out. he asks me when i'm going to come to my senses and come back to him.

i didn't know he wanted more.

saturday i go to do the extra thing and sometime during the morning my favorite camera man ever calls me. from the beginning he was my favorite. smart, quick on his feet, great footage and sound every time.

in the beginning it was basically just me and him shooting most of the shit there. all the usable stuff anyway. then the company grew and we stopped working together so much. the idea was separate the best talent from the best cameraman, so that they can help shittier talent and shittier crew. they broke the best team up for two or four half-assed teams.

anywho, i was with chris the entire time. very loyal. amazingly so. but always had the thought that the camera and i would be great together as a couple. i think i even wrote him an email when he was going through a break up saying that she was an idiot and if i were single that i'd pounce.

saw him on tour with reo speedwagon and he put me on the jumbotron.

when i came back to town with no chris, he had a girl. who rode motorcycles. named heather. heh.

so he calls yesterday. apparently they broke up. i went to see him. we talked for 15 hours straight. i'm not shitting you.

last night the best roommate ever had a dinner party. kansas was there. as smart, witty and gracious as ever. and amazingly cute. great sweater. i like him. a guy like him doesn't come along often. usually.

so -- southie the lay with the fucking best body, great sex and tepid conversation, camera the best friend ever, who's now maybe more, and kansas the underexplored. wtf?

...and i may be going back east in baltimore where it gets even more complicateder...

i'm not gay

this weekend one of my friends was shooting a movie.

and they needed some extra extras.

so i showed up.

the movie's called "i'm not gay."

this guy is in it.

so is the new gorton's fisherman. (who replaced the old one who happened to be tarzan.)

and lots of these guys.

it was on the set of "the people's court," which i will never look at in the same way. it's held together with staples and duct tape. the judge's chamber is just a door to another set. the "public" seating is just a bunch of old church pews. the gold eagle is a fake. i can't believe i actually thought it was a real courtroom.

the hallway where doug luellen does his exit interviews is the hallway to the bathroom. the other courtroom is just a fake door.

i should've brought a camera. the old set from "escape from alcatraz" was still there. two floors of cells and a detectives office to be used whenever for whatever.

i wanted pictures of the cells. me in the cell. friends in the cell. me at judge wapner's desk..

i wish i'd had a digital camera.

the was a poor man's gary shandling who was there as an extra too. only he was so annoying that we kept fake punching him even though we really meant it.

i met a very nice girl on the set who got my number because we had so much fun, but i forgot her name.

i carried a rainbow balloon arc and chanted "i'm not gay."

i sat on a jury and tried to look like a different girl than the one that was in the march (which was me too.)

and when kurt fuller was leaving i ran up to him to tell him i loved him in "no holds barred." he said thanks and something about good looking extras, got in his car and drove away.

"pervert" one of the other girls said as he roared off.

i couldn't help but wonder if she'd've had the same thought had it been brad pitt who complimented her.

Friday, December 03, 2004

except for the west wing

i just shouldn't watch tv.

it makes me angry. i think everybody's stoopid.

i spent some three odd hours in front of the tv last night.

first the apprentice. then it was OC or CSI so i went to ralphs and to get some champurrado.

mmmmm, champurrado. (at least i've stopped calling it chupacabra.)

i came back and watched primetime even though i didn't want to. brad pitt was on. i think some other people were too. something to do with a new movie called ocean's twelve, maybe you've heard of it. in la you can't miss it. they've been on billboards since what seems like last fucking year.

but brad pitt sucked me in. don cheadle was funnier, smarter, and quicker than the rest. but i didn't tune in 'cuz of don cheadle.

dianne sawyer tried to make us believe she is just like us normal folk. in awe of the super-stardom by which she was surrounded. clooney, cheadle, damon, zeta-jones, garcia, and, of course, pitt.

if diane sawyer's normal folk, then selma hayek is an actress, and if selma hayek is an actress, then i'm a god damned movie star.

(btw -- hayek's on inside the actor's studio this week. you missed J Lo.)

and what's up with the apprentice? these are really the people best fit to run trump's businesses? the losing chick took her skirt off -- off i tell ya -- to sell a candy bar for $20.

the two girls on the winning team sold all of their candy bars for $5 a piece. because they sexed it up. not too much though -- they were still able to sell to families and women and shit.

what i don't get is that not one of the people on the boys' team realized who fucking eats chocolate.


women, you morons.

so kevin and kelly (one black one white -- relatively good-looking men) could've gotten $10 a bar if they'd just sexed it up a little. they were wearing ugly tshirts and had no sex appeal whatsoever.

if a hot guys in tank tops were selling these gd bars they could've gotten every PMS-ing woman on the street to buy one. no matter the price. whatever. i have no idea why i care. i mean i don't. i don't care. i just got caught up in it.

which brings me back to my original point.

i just shouldn't watch tv.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

diffusion of THC thru a semi-permeable membrane

have i told you that i have the coolest roommate ever?

i have? oh... ok.

well, last night i got home from running around and was getting ready to make some eggs for dinner... because, well... because that's all i had to make.

she comes out of her room and tells me that there's a stuffed mushroom in the fridge that i can have.

a fucking crabmeat stuffed huge god damned mushroom.

and she said i could have it.

not for nothin' but it was awesome. definitely put her over the top for the favorite roommate ever bid.

amanda jones hates me again. she's trying to solve her wife-beating husband problem. at some point she filed a restraining order. the cops came to talk to her. yada yada yada.

last night he shows up at the meeting. she leaves with him. in the middle of the meeting. leaves me a note that says

"i am sorry but i have to get this problem taken care of. amanda"

yes, because she's handled it so well thus far... she asks my advice on everything else, but this one she's handling herself.

yesterday she was getting piss-tested for her sober living program and she called to ask me that if her husband was smoking pot and she had sex with him, would she test positive for THC?

i wonder if she actually thinks this could happen or if she's covering herself. i say

"nope, that wouldn't do it. you can't use that excuse"

she says

"no i'm just wondering 'cuz i'm nervous about it."

she came up clean.

who fucking knows.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

sluts enjoy it, hookers get paid, where does that leave me?

i fucking did it again.

i slept with someone i didn't even want to.

i do this shit all the time. i mean, i like sex, but i knew this wasn't going to be any good. and it wasn't. i just did it because he wanted to. i knew it wanted to so i just let him.

it must have something to do with self value. or power perhaps.

the thing is... it was like a pity fuck.

which is not only worthless, but demeaning to him.

i made some comments afterward about it not meaning anything. because that's what i do. i made these comments before we fucked too. but i always like to reiterate afterwards so that no one catches feelings. yeah, right.

so he makes some silly comment about me possibly hooking him up with one of my friends. a particular one. and i find myself saying:

"you're crazy if you think she'd even look at you twice."

(because she has self worth)

(and knows better than to sleep with a 25 year old boy who doesn't even have a couch or the decency to clean up when he's invited a woman over to his home)

what am i fucking 15 years old? sleeping with boys because they want to?

and then being mean to them because i made the wrong decision?

i couldn't even sleep there. i just kept beating myself up about it and i couldn't breathe. so i called a taxi and left him there in the middle of the night. classy. just like a hooker. only i'm not smart enough to get paid for it.