kali pornia

i want to be more like the ocean. no talking and all action.

Friday, June 30, 2006

and to top it all off.. the fucking cute, talentless kid from my groundlings class has a new commercial. fucker.

rawr argh blergh

i am grouchy today
fuck i don't even really have the energy to be
full on grouch kali.

i'm spent.
the boy came over yesterday after work
he kept telling me
he felt like he was going crazy
which is really weird
to hear from him
really weird.
i've never seen him act that way.
he would't sit down.
that's weird because he's one of the most sedentary beings
i know.

after much deliberation
i pulled out of him
the fact that he feels like we're
really breaking up.
like not see each other any more breaking up.

ya i know, it feels like we already did this
but really we didn't.
so after some crying and hugging
we gathered the rest of his things
underwear, mostly.
and he left.

so i guess i'm not really grouchy
maybe i'm just sad.
eeewww. i hate sad.
i'd prefer angry.

oh yeah, that's a picture of
my other neighbors
dirtball donna and mike the dyke.

i have some good stories about them
that i'm apparently too sad to tell.

winnie is sad too.
she misses her boyfriend.
lucky bitch, he's back on saturday.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

my favorite neighbor

this is,
uh... let's say...

he's my neighbor.

he's an ornery old man
and he's the best neighbor i've got.
he lets me park behind him
as long as i leave enough room
for him to get out.

it is a constant battle
about whether i am
pulled up too far
or not far enough.

he has a hernia
the size of a medicine ball
i was going to say
but it's bigger than that.

he still drives.

this is smith and his wife.
they've lived in the city
their whole lives.
mrs. uh.. smith
grew up one block away
from where we live now.

she never learned how to drive
because, well, why would she?

somedays i think that smith
looks really bad
and i'm afraid his
hernia will break through
his stomach lining and kill him.

then i worry about what mrs. smith
would do.

then two days later
he's out on his porch
strumming his guitar
calling me over to his porch
to tell me
that i haven't pulled up far enough.
or that i've pulled up too far.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

bike's fixed, fuckers

so i put the
fucking $30 bracket
on the bike this weekend.

the boy helped.
(i get really frustrated
at some point in
all motorcycle repairs)
so he did the tedious work

all right really he just bent one
piece of the bracket that i
was too frustrated to deal with.

anywho this was all going down
while the cute boy fixed
my car window
for free.

this whole seeing-each-other-once-a-week
thing seems to be working out for me
as normally the boy would
BlOw A fUcKiNg GaSkEt about
a boy there helping
me with anything for free.

also curious that he's helping me
fix the bike
and no lecture about it.

see? it's working!!

via theapt blog

i love this poster series for a frankfurt museum which reminds us that we haven't invented shit for centuries. it finally seems that the idea to look at past in order to inform our opinion of the present and future is catching on and i, for one, am delighted. one doesn't need to live in the past in order to learn from it.
stefan - Jun 27 - 09:17 AM

it's okay really. that dude in the front
eventually owned that fucker in the back.

take a look at the final product
tell me if you think any differently.

(no offense, blaine. most of your shit is fucking hot. and ya ya i know you taught him everything he knows.)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

and again to balance out the sex...

more sex... if you can call it that

dude i had no idea
how come i never know this shit* is out there?


i'm a ying yang

kind of girl.

so here's something to balance out
all the sex we've been having here lately.


Monday, June 26, 2006

you should hear this

**caetano veloso - lost in the paradise**

ok so now i'm obsessed with this song. i really have no idea why. i think it's his voice. and i've always liked songs that go kinda crazy at the end (think bob marley - running away) you know where the guy singing gets so lost in what he's doing that it seems like he forgets that he's recording.

ok well that's not this song, but it has elements of that.

plus there are some outta control horns at the end. not to mention the guitar. i like that too.

10 things girls should know about getting a boy off

this weekend there was much perusal of the boy's list.

turtle had his day. he covered the shit that boys really think.

what follows now is my list. ladies, i never thought i would share some of these secrets so use them wisely. with great power comes great responsibility
1. easy, nibbler - (by consensus) - some dudes say absolutely no teeth, some dudes say a little is fine... so the rule of thumb should be extreme caution and open conversation. (seriously, gals this seems to be the top of the concern list for men, so we're fucking up out there...)

2. we must revisit the spit, here - lubrication is key no matter what the act.

3. use both hands - it's fun to slide them opposite ways on the same shaft. (use the spit to your advantage, here) lots of constant motion is very very good. don't be afraid to slide all the way off the head and then back on.

4. easy on the head - as a general rule, the bigger the penis, the more sensitive the brain. motion on the head can be used sparingly but with great results. (think:clit)

5. talk dirty - seriously, this can be your greatest tool. sure, it's embarrassing at first, but goddammit, it works. tell them they have a great cock. tell them how hard it is. tell them when and where to cum. i'm telling you, it works.

6. don't show boredom or frustration - that's not hot. it will only make your job harder in the long run.

7. don't be afraid of the balls - as long as your boy practices good hygiene there is nothing to fear here. cup the balls with a free hand, massage them, and if you are very comfortable then by all means suck on them. pull them all the way into your mouth, one at a time or together if you're brave. (this is how i got most of my sex slaves)

8. lick necks - i have found that back of necks, jawlines and adam's apples produce marvelous results when licked, sucked and slid around on.

9. boys like the 69 - yes it's true. generally boys like the 69. yes i know the sit-on-my-face trick is somewhat embarrassing and being eaten out while sucking a cock is a bit distracting, but they really seem to like it. try new positions, like lying on your sides facing each other, if that's more comfortable to you.

10. watch porn together - it's really fun to get into. yes, yes, i know -- we girls are not visual people by nature, but THEY ARE. boys tend to like fucking scenes and head scenes (two girls on one cock is very popular) but you might like the girl on girl action yourself. give it a shot, find out what you like and don't be ashamed.

tesco says the magic words

those three little words

you know

the ones i always wanted to hear.

the ones that make everything else
in the universe
for one brief shining moment.

"kali is right"

Sunday, June 25, 2006

i'm too busy trying to keep my dogs from fucking to post.

seriously. the boy goes to sleep away camp tomorrow.
i can't take it anymore.

Friday, June 23, 2006

10 things boys need to know about having SEXXX

inspired by a chat with michele of FTTW
(not that kind of chat -- unless it works for you -- then go with it)

also inspired by horrible sex with hot young men everywhere.

1. learn to love the pussy. stare at it, learn it, love it. if you love the pussy she will love you long time.

2. spit is key. lots and lots of spit. astroglide tastes like shit and so does all the other lube on the market. lube is for ONE thing and one thing only (and we'll get into that when i make the girls' list.)

3. hesitancy is NOT sexy. just go with the flow. don't look like you're having second thoughts or she will.

4. shave. it makes the deck look bigger if you trim the bushes. plus a chick pulling pubic hair from her mouth is just not sexy. don't make us do that.

5. go lightly on the clit until you know how she likes it. just cuz you see those porno bitches slapping their shit doesn't mean that every girl likes it that way - only some of us do.

6. LISTEN!!! she'll tell you where her g-spot is, but it may not be in words... and if all else fails -- don't be afraid to ask for directions.

7. messy is good. don't be afraid to drip sweat in her cleavage... it's sex! they don't call it "dirty" for nothin'.

8. slow and sexy wins the race -- no just jamming in it there. she will cum faster, the slower you go.

9. suck the boobies. tweak the nipples. once i came solely from boobie play. that was hot.


10. (i hate that i need to say this) SHE GOES FIRST!! it will be much easier if you get her off first. do it with your hands or mouth. then go get some.

this weekend i'll do a girls' list... boys feel free to email me your suggestions. kalipornia@hotmail.com

***UPDATE*** turtle over at fttw did the girl's list, and much more appropriately, seeing as he's a boy and all... CHECK IT OUT

ok so note to self

dear self:

you are 33 years old now
you bruise easily
and your back hurts.

just because the new kids
have no freaking idea
how to act at a punk rock show
doesn't mean you have to show them

also, you are not in competition
with the 22 year old girls
who think that they rule this bar.

there is no need to grab
95 pound lea
by the waist
and spin yourselves into the pit
to wipe out those high heel wearing
born too late bitches with fringe.

also, don't stand so close to the damn speakers
you have to be at work at 8:00 am
and your ears will be ringing so loudly
that you can't hear what your boss is saying.

don't encourage lea
to yell
"speak english"
at the cockney'd mutherfucker
talking into the mic.
because she will do it.

also, next time maybe
don't wear white shorts


p.s. glad you had fun
p.p.s. ouch

Thursday, June 22, 2006

indians and blue collar boys

the other night i'm at
a little information shindig
for the MBA program
(no daibh -- i haven't heard yet
whether i'm officially accepted)
and we're in the general information
auditorium which is 30% female
until we split into
our individual tracts.

so i go to the room where
the MBA/MSITS tract people are to meet.
and it's me
and 5 indian dudes.

this does not bode well
for the curve...

though i do have the fact that
english is my first language
going for me.

also it looks as it
i will have to take the
and since my last math class
was in my freshman year of college
846 years ago
it looks like i'll have to take a class.

the cutest boy
came to look at my broken window
the other night
turns out i need a new regulator and therefore motor
but the good news is that he is
not going to charge me labor
just parts
and considering he has alredy spent
more than an hour on it
and we haven't gotten the part yet...
a whole new windy for only $72.00 plus tax
sounds dern good.

hmmm how will i ever thank him?

tonight at the side bar -- should be fun.
wish you could come with
tho i don't think shonna is singing for them anymore
i'll let you know

stories of the bible in new, easy to understand lego translation

complete with chapters on



and the ever popular
"when to stone your children"

check it out dude
this is the bible
sex, drugs, murder, pillars of salt...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

gospel according to Pitt...

No - What is key to keeping me happy rolls out to the following, the 10 commandments if you will:

1. No talking except inbetween rounds and then it has to be about the fighters themselves.
2. Vegetables are for decoration only.
3. Morning sex is good cuz thats when I am most awake.
4. Comic books are perfectly acceptable decor in the Bathroom.
5. Video games are necessary.
6. Try to make them match. Try To make them match. Try to make them match.
7. I'm not driving fast, I'm establishing my dominance on the road. Think of it as my inner caribou locking antlers with other would-be suitors on the highway for your hand (inner hoof) in mating.
8. I'll pee sitting down, but you have to start drinking whiskey straight.
9. I'll say you're right all the time, if you back me up in public when I announce during that story for the 100th time: "That cop was fucked."
10. There is no 10.

make what match?
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 1:32 pm | #

not telling.... if you have to ask you might be a cronic violator though
Pitt | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 1:34 pm | #

I forgot what I was going to say damit!!
I was so happy I was able to comment I lost my train of thought, UGH!!

Oh well I hope all is well, Take care!! MM XOXO
mystical Me | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 1:42 pm | #

all is not well...i didn't get the 2 cents of any of the female commentors thus far...it's bullshit....

i want to incite rage and feminisimisnim of my readership!!
Pitt | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 1:50 pm | #


what is it? i'm sure i'm a chronic violater if it has to do with anything matching.

i'll even get angry and pretend to be a feminazi if it helps?!?

outlaw -- tell me, pulease?
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:00 pm | #

it's your unmentionables kali...or in your case: your VERY unmentionables!


uh boo......?

Pitt | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:11 pm | #

he means matching ur thongs/g-string to your bra....colour-coordinate them....don't wear white black bra and white undies.....especially NO granny-panties.
outlaw | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:16 pm | #

oops I look psycho now:
white black bra= black bra......
I didnt realize I threw in that extra word "white" in there! hahah
outlaw | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:17 pm | #

you mean like the carpet and the drapes deal? well, duh. i thought it had to do with fashion...

and if you were closer i'd come up and kick your fatty, soft ass for talking about the kitty that way.
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:19 pm | #

thanks outlaw i need help over here... if i were to wear underwear then it would probably match.
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:21 pm | #

he didnt mean carpet & drapes- just the undies and bra
...or else somebody here would be bald! hahah (and I dont mean Pitt)

outlaw | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 4:48 pm | #

hey kali i think you are a violator...i bet you're matching up the undergarment selection for the remainder of fiscal 06 now!
Pitt | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 5:04 pm | #

fuck i gotta go buy some... seriously. you're gonna make me spend an entire paycheck on lingerie....
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 5:09 pm | #

just doing anything i could do to help...

whenever the lucky young subway employee of your choice get's to test drive the new wardrobe of your's, make sure you scream out pitt at least once.
Pitt | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 5:32 pm | #

will do.
kali | Homepage | 06.21.06 - 5:47 pm | #

seriously, that's a vagina...

as always... good stuff over
at that fucking guy's place.

it's a proposed stadium
for the 2008 olympics to be held
in japan.

via boing boing (who calls it a "snatch" heh)
from espresso punk

fuck you no more links today
crimony my linkers are tired

here's where i'm at today

meeting for coffee at 715.

easy like sunday morning.
done almost with a straight face
by the king of sarcasm
mike patton and his faith no more boys.

and then
be aggressive
just to wash
the ick taste out of your mouth

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

completely unrelated

winnie's in heat again..
and it seems as if
the boy dog
is a little excited about that

three semesters ago...

i told the boy that if
he got straight a's
that i would give him
something else
that started with an "a"

so today he sent me this:

the kicker is that he was
taking another class
at another college
and he got an a
in that class too.

i imagine that
this means
he's ready
to collect.

i'm feeling generous

so i will share:
the beatles - why dont we do it in the road.mp3

Sunday, June 18, 2006

you gotta fuck with everqueer

you wish you were here

i'm going to lay on my bed
in the only air-conditioned room in my house
not answer the door or the phone
and watch
to live and die in la
for the hundreth time

Saturday, June 17, 2006

yup, a saturday post. you know i'm single when...

holy 16 hour days batman.
what the fuck.
maybe i'll just become a
nah, it just doesn't suit me.

so i think i'm begining to dig this
single stuff.

yesterday on chat
my ex was trying to talk dirty
to me
i told him to stop
that shit only works on boys.

he said he was trying to
seduce me.

i said that wasn't the way to do it
he asked how was the way to do it?
i said
buy a house and ask me to marry you.
he said
how about shoe shopping?
i said deal.


then i get to work
and a 23 year old boy
tries to seduce me by bringing in
my favorite flavor snoball.

he overheard me talking about
my fav egg custard snoball
and now knowing that i was single
he thought it would be a good way to my heart
good call.

i love those damn things and considering
i work downtown
and the closest snoball is out towards the county.
i asked him how he managed to do that.
he said he bought the syrup and then had the bartender
crush some ice
and he made it for me himself.

damn. that's pretty good, huh?

too bad he's 23.
twenty-three = nothing to offer me.

well, maybe not nothing...

Friday, June 16, 2006

look out raymi's hating on soccer...


menudo del viernes

  • when my friend sends me this email:

    "what's up with you and [the boy,] you don't have to answer, just curious,"

    i begin to think she's not asking out of genuine concern. i fight the urge to reply "noneya"

  • i'm sitting down with the boy on sunday and we "having a talk." i suppose i'll have to figure out what i want by then. hmmm. here's what i really want. i want to act like a single girl but have a steady and safe source of SEX. seriously. i want to do everything i want to do and answer to no one, but i need sex at least 3 or 4 times a week. think he'll go for that? nah, me either.
  • watching sopranos makes me wanna be a comare ["goumada."] that would be perfect. consistant sex, luxury lifestyle, no phone calls to get permission to stay out late or not come home. (but then the sex would be with some big hairy sweaty italian guy - refer to bullet point #2.)

  • my 2 year old nephew has an email address
  • i broke a piece of my car window off last night. yup, just a corner.
  • my daydreams are taking up a more sizeable chunk of my brain operations each day. is that bad?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

yay i'm back

hi i'm home
took the day off and
now i have no idea
how to handle free time
except to sleep.
and sleep is such a waste of time.

it will obviously kill me
to clean or put food in
my bachelor's fridge
ya ya i know but bachelorette
sounds like a fucking tv show

or smurfette.

mmmmm smurfette.

i digress.

(actually i'm not sure it's a digression
if i never really had an opening topic)

alright whatever.

show was good.
but tesco and i had some
awesome conversation.
it is rare that i find
someone who's not afraid to dig in
to the topic of music with me
i tend to be a bit pitbullish on the subject.
so that was nice.

and this morning i spent
sometime talking to ALa
who is way hotter in person
(hard to believe, i know, but totally true)
also just as smart as you think she is.

be intimidated.

i'm finding myself a little jealous of their life, though.
they have a great house and a beautiful family.
they seem. well. settled.
something i have never been.

and now i'm getting stink eye
from my two dogs
because after staying out
all night
i have come home smelling like
another dog.
tsk tsk.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

doubleyew tee eff?

don't you hate when someone
makes you nervous for no obvious reason???

i just got on the elevator to take some
shit to the dhl and fed ex boxes.

i see a dude who i've met once or twice
but not really, you know, suite neighbors
and all that hokey work shit.

so he says
"hey if you call UPS, 'brown'
would you call DHL 'yellow'"
(duh, by the way)

i say "heh. heh. of course you would"

then he says
"why are some dhl, and some fed ex"
(refering to the packages in my arms)

i got all nervous for some reason and
stopped speaking proper english and shit.

"some countries is cheaper through dhl.. er.. fed ex are more expensive, but some countries only is fedexable..."

WHAT? what's with the fucking singular/plural verb fuck ups all of a sudden? and FEDEXABLE? what the fuck was that?

dude's not in any position of authority and he's NOT cute by anystretch.
the only thing i can think of is that he's tall.

he's tall? what in the name of god could i have gotten nervous about.

i'm so weird.
i hate people.

i stole this from jayv

click me

and follow through -- it's worth it.


am i gonna hafta make an ALLIANCE over here?

please about the social d!! enuf already. help me out east coast!!

150 fucking dollars for THIS??!!!

ok poopdick

go vote for your favorite punk rock song.

vote early and often, you fucking creeps. i thank the lord jeebus above for the taste of the contributors.

ok minus the 3 (three?) social distortion songs on the effing list. two of which are after ness got sober (=LAME.) thanks mr bandw.

We've spent weeks, with the help of our readers, compiling a list of the 100 greatest punk songs and now the voting begins! Come on over and cast your votes (as many as you want), complain about the list, bitch about what songs were left out or praise our impeccible taste. Feel free to throw us a link - the more people vote, the better chances there are for a heated contest. You really don't want to see Social Distortion win this thing do you? Then come over to Faster Than the World and cast your vote

see? michele agrees...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

buzzcocks tomorrow night

at the north star bar
in philly.

me and tesco wish you could be there
but that would suck for you
'cuz you'd have to ride in the back
of the cj7
and your hair would get all messy
you know how it does...


speaking of DOUCHE BAGS...

what in the fuck was this guy thinking?

Roethlisberger sustained a broken jaw, a broken left sinus, a 9-inch cut on the back of his head, lost teeth and injuries to his knees from hitting the pavement.

i've seen this wreck a thousand times. my ex was in it twice. a car turns left in front of you. they warn you about it in motorcycle safety class. the #1 motorcycle accident. left turning car. can't do anything about it but brace yourself.

this is an accident you walk away from.
my ex did it twice.

but then again he was wearing a FUCKING HELMET...
fucking DOI.
23 year old superbowl winner
1300 cc's
no fucking helmet.

ya those things are dangerous alright...
to IDIOTS!!!!!!!!

don't you hate it...

when your friend's band
totally does NOT rock?

**edit - after looking at the other bands on my space, perhaps your friend's band rocks in comparison?***

Monday, June 12, 2006


so years ago
baltimore used to be a fucking cool
ass place for local bands.

i was in my 20's and so were they.
i fucking rocked so hard that
some nights i couldn't remember my name.
ok, most.

most nights were show nights
and usually i knew at least one
dude (or chick) in each band
in the line-up.

then around about oh 95ish
shit started falling apart.

kids started dropping off to heroin
while i remained inebriated

i remember seeing guys (and chicks)
from some of my favorite bands
getting skinnier
then they stopped touring
then they stopped playing

i'd watch them come into
the bar for carry out
a ghost of their former selves
and judge the fucking shit out of them
later that night i would drive home
in a blackout.

so to escape the h-train
jenny and i moved to key west.
which is, in the words of my pal turtle,
a story for another day.

the point is that
i don't run into people
from the old days that much.
they're either married,
or dead, or still at the bar.

but tonight i saw a dude
i haven't seen in
a country mile
and all this shit
comes rushing back into my brain
from out of nowhere.

i believe they call it

by 'this weekend' i mean sunday

so this weekend we went to
ladew gardens (as you can see)
flowers. bushes trimmed into shapes.
i HAD to see it, though.
all in all it was a nice day.
we did a bunch of this

old fashioned egg custard snowball with marshmellow

(small -- as a girl cannot be FAT and single)
then to home depot
for a rachet set (hot)

last few daylight hours
were spent looking at the clutch cable

fucking cable didn't break
the damn release assembly thingy
well, not even
just the bracket that holds the bead
at the end of the cable

waiting on word from the shop
whether they sell that piece seperatley
from the drive sprocket cover
to which it's attached.

could be a fucking $150
ebay here i come.

the boy took me to ladew topiary gardens