if you're my family you may not wanna read this...

...


ok i warned you though.

last night was probably the worst night i've had since i've been clean. yes worse than the day it hit me that i cheated on my boyfriend with an unprotected iv drug user. and that was a bad fucking day.

last night i hurt myself pretty badly. physically and emotionally. i couldn't stop saying very bad things about my self to myself. the worse it got the madder i got. at my self. and then i called my self worse things. i felt out of control and bat shit crazy. i was certainly acting crazy. had you been here you probably wouldve taken me to the psych ward. if i hadnt had my friend amber i prolly wouldve ended up at the psych ward. i'm pretty sure.

last night was the first time i envisioned the knife cutting my wrists. you know how they ask you when you say that you're suicidal if you've envisioned how you would do it? ya well now i can't say 'no' anymore. this morning i thought maybe i would hang myself from a rope and jump out the window. i thought maybe i'd bash my head against the bricks before the rope snapped my neck.

this afternoon i got my period.

the night before last i didn't get enough sleep.

apparently that coupled with the fact that i hate myself for not staying in love with someone that i should be really happy with can push me over the fucking edge.

my fists are sore and my head has lumps on it. i haven't done that in a very long time. especially without an audience. i used to think i did it for attention. that blows that theory. except, of course, the fact that i'm writing about it now.

i'm fairly certain i didn't do it for blog fodder.

look, shiny...

i fucking hate the new blogger have i told you this?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It's the perfect time to kill
off old habits that drag you down and to sever bad connections
that bring out the worst in you. Therefore, I suggest you
make an undercover search-and-destroy visit to the murkiest
parts of the underworld. When you get back, invite skeletons
to come out of the closet and monsters to crawl out from
beneath the bed for a nice long heart-to-heart talk full
of tough love. And in general, don't you dare avert your gaze
from any song and dance that might half-scare you and
half-inspire you into triumphing over evil. P.S. In every
decay there'll be beauty; in every loss there'll be a glimmer
of future joy.

the kennedys have so much money..

that they can buy the FDA into creating a new side effect.

i mean come ON people...

Hamas says still seeks Israel's destruction

oh thank god, cuz i was worried...

uhm. hi innerweb.

i can't really remember the last time i was so sick. like sleep for days sick. i should've been darn grateful for all those days i wasn't sick. but, alas. when i'm not in pain i forget to think "thank god i'm not in pain."

a quote from a dear friend comes to mind. "if you've nothing else to be grateful for, be grateful you're not on fire."

can someone remind me of that tomorrow? tomorrow i'm having one of those famous kitchen table talks. human, anyone?

p.s. the only good thing about myspace is the "delete from friends" button at the end of each bulletin.